HUGE PET PEEVE... 'Taking Care Of' aging parents.
There isn't a week go by when I hear or read how somebody is all stressed out 'taking care of' their parents. Then there are thosewho 'take care of' their parents and aren't stressed out. I find those immortal souls to be Superhuman.
Of course, my 1st reaction used to be sympathy for their plight. I know 1st hand how overwhelming it can be physically and emotionally. The stress is enough to weaken a person's immunity to illness.
Did you notice my previous statement of... "used to be sympathy for their plight"? Now when someone tells me they are 'taking care of' their parents, now I ask for a list of their duties.
What EXACTLY do you DO for your parents? Just EXACTLY what is your DEFINITION of 'TAKING CARE OF'???
Once the situation is defined with a list of their duties, I realize they are NOT 'taking care of' their parents. They are HELPING their
parents. Maybe they are ASSISTING their parents. Some are even SUPERVISING their care. Many are VISITING their parents.
BUT THEY ARE NOT TAKING CARE OF THEIR PARENTS!!! This just eliminated 99% of the people I USED TO HAVE SYMPATHY FOR!!!
Prime example #1.... I 'take care of' my parents, they are in a nursing home.
UMMMMM.... Isn't the NURSING HOME 'taking care of' your parents? Those people really tick me off!!! And trust me... there are PLENTY of those our there. I hope some guilty ones are reading this! Maybe you are visiting your parents daily. Maybe you are making sure their care is managed properly. But let's keep the facts straight. YOU ARE NOT TAKING CARE OF YOUR PARENTS!
Grrr... how dare you take credit for somebody else's tiring labor.
Prime example #2... I 'take care of' my parents. I mow their lawn and shovel their snow. - OR - I clean their house and do their laundry. My all time favorite is, I take them grocery shopping once a week.
These are situations where the parents still live INDEPENDANTLY in their own home which is separate from the adult childrens home. These are parents that need ASSISTANCE. You are ASSISTING and HELPING your parents.
Now this situation can be a bit of a 'grey' area. So I decided the best way to clarify the difference is with this analogy... What's the
difference between a broken leg and an amputated leg? How would you like it if someone told you they had their leg amputated, when in reality, it was just in a cast? (that would be the grey area difference)
Which brings me to the TRUE DEFINITION of 'taking care of' your parents... You live in the same house with your parents. You have quit your job AND YOUR ENTIRE LIFE to care for them around the clock, 24/7. You tend to all their private bathroom needs. You tend to ALL THEIR NEEDS, which includes dressing, bathing, feeding, putting meds directly into their mouth and make sure they swallowed their meds and not dropped them or cheeked them. You have to physically lift them from wheelchair to toilet or bed or
where ever. You have to brush their teeth, clip their nails, scrub their feet, and brush their hair. You leave the house 4 hrs every other month to grocery and run errands because a sitter costs money you can't afford.
Your definition of a vacation is... they fell asleep for a nap and managed to sleep through the night (all in the same 24 hr period)!!!
You now own damn near every piece of nursing home equipment there is. When others walk into your house, they are in awe of how you use the combination of a patient monitoring alarm system with a baby nursery monitoring system just so you can take a shower, rotate the laundry and go to sleep with peace of mind.
When your life has resembled this... You will learn the TRUE DEFINITION OF TAKING CARE OF YOUR PARENTS!!!
Now that I've clarified the differences... can you be HONEST about your role in 'taking care of' your parents?
Comments (2)
I do think you need a break though otherwise you're going to need expert care!
In our region, the patient has to be flat broke before agencies will kick in. In my region, Hospice will only kick in when she is within 6 months of death. She has been a widow since 1975, therefore a large retirement plan is not one of her assets. But she still has enough money, that she has too much. Once she is flat broke..."help" is a paid nursing home or Hospice.
She has LBD... Lewy Body Dementia... imagine Alzheimers, Parkinsons, and Paranoid Schzophrenia all rolled into one. She was in 2 nursing homes, both short term, and it was NOT a pleasant experience. Nursing homes are not equipped nor staffed for the unique problems this disease creates. Therefore I conceded that caring for her myself is the best choice for her.
Alzheimers is a progressive disease of 10-20 yrs. LBD is a progressive disease of 5-10yrs. LBD is usually triggered by an illness or accident. We suspect hers was triggered when she broke her arm June 2004. Then she broke her hip March 12, 2005, and this disease consumed her full force within 2 wks.
I did NOT write this blog so people would feel sorry for me. I wrote this blog because I am amazed how many OTHER people cry a river of "poor me, poor me" about their responsibilities towards their parents, which is usually miniumum compared to the TRUE definition of 'taking care of' your Aging Parents.