Your Quality of Life

I guess after the last woman that could generate any real feelings for just stopped calling, writing, or even acknowledging me on the net, the reality of spending the rest of my life alone finally started to sink in. I used to get upset about it but that was before my brother in law fell ill to the big “C”. Now I watch from afar as the disease runs it’s course, try to help him and my sister come to grips with what is to come … and spend time, very late at night, sitting in my bed and wondering what will become of me when I have to face a similar fate. My sister and I talk on the phone fairly regularly now days and I’m planning a trip out to KC to see her & my brother-in-law so I can see him one last time and help him with a few private matters that I have rather suddenly become his most trusted advisor on and for.

I have no idea why. Well, that’s not exactly true. Unfortunately, I’m one of those types that gets stronger as the situation gets harder. When each of my parents died, I was the one that everybody seemed to turn to; in tough situations in and out of the military, when everyone started to panic, I was the one that had to be rock solid, give the orders and make everyone perform over and above. All from an early age diet of too much John Wayne, Superman, & Leave it to Beaver. My dad drove me to never be wrong, always have the answers, and not be afraid to tell it like it is. Strange, he always bragged about having those traits, although as I got older I learned they were more boasts than reality. Oh, I still very much loved the old boy and occasionally spend a sleepless night thinking about all the things I wanted to tell him, but a step-mother always stood in the way. No excuses, I should have made it happen, but I was too busy trying to live up to all his expectations that I somehow forgot to live up to some of my own. Funny how you can wake up the morning after a funeral, swing your feet out of bed, then wonder to yourself “now what?”.

The strange thing is that I have no regrets. I am the man I choose to be and I am exactly where I have chosen to be. I could have changed many things in my life, but for reasons known only to me, I am what I am and that’s just the way it is. I am a difficult person at times, hard to live with and probably impossible to love. No pity intended, just facing the reality of that first sentence of this blog. I often wonder how many people out there some to that same conclusion. Especially when we have that time to sit and look inward, wanting so desperately to find somebody we can love and who will actually love us the same way. Perhaps that is part of growing older; realizing the limitations we put on ourselves as well as realizing those same things so limit our future opportunities.

I know when the time comes, I’ll still be the one that has to be strong. There will be no time for tears or begging for another day or two. I’ll be too busy taking care of the others around me and too busy dying to really have time for myself. But then again, that’s the way it’s always been and it’s worked so far, so why change a good thing? I guess that’s my real quality of life, knowing my immense flaws and shortcomings; knowing there isn’t anything more I can do about them, but knowing those are the things that make me uniquely me.