dilema
this is going to be a confusing one so i hope i can explain in a way that your be able to followi met a guy 4 months ago, his 14 years older than me and at first we had decided it would be a casual affair with no promises made as he had just got out of a 27 year marriage and was not sure if he was ready to jump into a full blown relationship again and especially with one that had small children and i wasn't sure i was ready for the full commitment relationship either after having failed ones before, i had promised myself i would take things slowly and see where it took me if anywhere
few months down the line we are still waiting for his divorce to go through and his house to be sold, his had problems at work, i've gone back to college and started a new job aswell as trying to look after my kids, two of which have caused me alot of grief and have decided to live with their dad and their nan so we have had a lot thrown at us but have helped eachother through it all
also with all that happening my babies dad who had disappeared on me for 6 months had decided to come back on the scene and see our daughter on a weekly basis and cos it went to court he was ordered to see her in my own home, as we have spent each weekend with eachother as a family we have been getting on really well and it all feels really nice
dilema is.............. my ex wants to give it another go and see if we can start over and be a proper family again, the guy i am seeing says his feelings for me have changed and he is falling in love with me but i am not sure what his thoughts and feelings are towards my children, this we are going to discuss when i see him next on friday.......... my babies dad time keeping drives me insane, he is always late and can be very unrealiable but having him around is nice and nice to have the father of my daughter around, think i dont feel guilty if he helps out in a way i expect him to help ot emotionally and finacially whereas with the guy i am seeing he always shows up when he says but with the job he does i never know what his rota is so never know when i am seeing him and some weeks i only get to see him once a week but when he is here i feel he is a part of the family as he is very hands on which sometimes my babies dad lacked and the guy i am seeing does silly things like buy me some new pegs cos he knows the last lot have broke or fixes the cupboard cos my kids broke that or downloads a song cos he knows i like it, always turns up with sweets etc for the kids and he listens and gives good advice but my babaies dad knows what he wants and thats a future with us as a family where as the guy i am seeing still says he cant make any promises to me and he has a awful habit of referring to his soon to be ex wife as his other half and its still their house and their bedroom when he has to go home to pick up the mail or something
Comments (22)
good day.
(ermm .. didn't read much of u blog cause am in a big big rush ...
Never recycle, if it didn’t work the first time round it won’t work the second, third fourth etc.
Never look back only ever go forward in life, leopards don’t change their spots or whatever cliché you want to use.
Think to yourself why it didn’t work in the first place, I can see you are torn, I do understand that feeling especially when there are children involved, you can already see that this man does more for you than your ex, he loves you or he wouldn’t do what he does, he may not be able to make any promises to you now but he may be able to later on. You will work it out, decide for yourself who you want to be with, your children will grow and leave home, you need to be happy for you.
Hope I helped
@ iamwhoiam, thank you for your comment, that had crossed my mind too as where as my ex was on his own for 7 years before meeting me after a 19 year relationship the guy i am with now was only on his own for four months after 27 years and he seems to like the idea of being with a 35 year old woman and likes to show me of to his friends although his soom to be ex wife and kids still do not know about us but then my ex's family never knew about me for the first 6 months and it took him 3 years and a child later to even introduce me to his parents of daughter and i never met any of his friends whereas the guy i am with now i have met both his brothers and his mum and a lot of his friends and work colleagues
think you already know what YOU want . . . read your response in the next blog and you'll know what I mean.
there you describe you idea of a wonderful match, so why are you questioning yourself?
i do know what i want and the thing is the guy i am seeing gives me the things i need, love, protection, companionship, laughs, excitement, etc whereas with my babies dad i used to think that maybe we never had much in common at all but i am enjoying his company at the moment and its nice to have a mummy and a daddy in the same house doing things together as a family and i know he wants the family life whereas the guy i am seeing said he never but his actions says something else, very confusing
@ virgo, the guy i am seeing is going through the hatred stage for his wife as he was with her for 27 years, totally loyal to her and has given her everything, she has not wanted for a thing but she deceded she didn't love him any more and yeah i suppose after being with the same partner for soo long and then a female who is 14 years younger than him and his wife comes along it probably is a huge ego boost for him and where as at first we both said it would be a bit of casual fun feelings have and are changing but his scared i think of commiting again after what has happened and his done the bringing up the kids thing and his not sure he can do it again
the only thing i want to add, dont be afraid to return to ur past, its ur life and it's only u to decide what's better. there are sum cases when all love theorems work inversly, and no1 knows when it's gonna happen.
@ virgo, i was in a 12 year relationship and your right it took me three years to feel emotionally seperated, i have just had his mum call me up to see how i am and to thank me for making her son happy and to thank me for being such a good friend her to her other son as i have been his hairdresser for the past year lol, it would have been my partners wedding anniversary today
sort of makes you think what is he hiding from you , that he dosent want you to find out
A couple of things to highlight, as I see it are, with your child's dad coming back on the scene, has he explained his reason for doing so? (i.e. does the court issue have any bearing?
As for your current partner, there are concerns here as well. While it is great to see you get on well together and have met his parents, siblings and friends, until his children and wife he is divorcing know, that is when the true test will come, (though I would not be surprised if one of the children had heard something from another family member/friend). I think you should both discuss if you feel you have a long future together and if its a 'yes' then you must meet his children, with other family members there, in the near future, to see how they react and also of course his ex will find out. As for him referring to the 'other half', let him know it irritates you, as at times we do daft things without even thinking
Some difficult choices ahead for you, but I'm sure it will work out for you and your children..
Or you could have a talk with each of them and ask them if they could change the things your having problems with them?
Sounds to me like the guy who isnt divorced yet, might still be having feelings for his ex wife or isnt really getting a divorce and is seeing you on the side?
I personally would probably lean more towards letting the babies dad more of a chance because he "is" the dad of your child.
The other guy is not living with you and things sometimes can change while living with someone..Its always easy for a friend or boyfriend to bring treats to a child who is not their own and look like hes just so great, but in a living environment together it might not be the same..So dont be too influenced by his doing those things, it doesnt mean he loves your child, he could be doing it to soften you up.
us fall into. The feeling of continuity of family. This was the hardest part to unravel after my divorce...dealing with the "sense of family". I know it feels good to you that your somewhat of a family, but those feelings are separate and unique from the feelings you should be having towards your ex. It appears your trying to make it all "correct" for everyone versus what is correct for you. good luck and take your time deciding
That being said I don't think you should necessarily pick the other guy either. I am sure your children are important to you, and if he can't accept them then there is nothing to do about that. Also the fact that they (him and his ex wife) are so bonded still is honestly and perhaps harshly a red flag. I don't think he's doing it intentionally but 27 years is a long time, maybe he just isn't ready.
My thought process is keep the relationship with the new guy for fun, and companionship but keep your eyes open if you are looking for a relationship.
I know it's hard, other people don't get your feelings. That is my objective opinion though!
Best of luck!
If he is in, GO for it fully then.
The new guy is just one (good) example of what u can get instaed of your ex. I personally believe in him, but dont choose regarding him now.
Choose ur ex either out or in!
I'd drop him if it was me, and move on without looking back, but that is all depending on your feelings. Think more about your feelings of emotion and romantical love than the crew around you ppl.