Somethings are easier done than said.
Words float on air. They are shaped by lips, by the contours of the mouth.The precise- or imprecise placement of tongue and teeth.They can be used to paint the colours of the world for ears to share eyes' bounty. They can serve to cement lovers, families friends into bonds that glow with passion, with love, with understanding.
They can be the chisels, knives, and bludgeons that take those bonds and shatter them beyond repair or leave the dream crushed and drowning with the dreamer, crawling in the mud stirred up by words that disbelieve, throw water on the fertile soil of creativity.
Words can build or break down walls. trigger tears or laughter. Words can play our heartstrings like a master and open up our purse, our bank account to greedy fingers hiding out behind the music we are hearing.
They dance on paper. On screens across, around, all through the world's community, drawn closer by the threads we weave, the words we trail and leave behind for the Universe to trip upon.
They also build up shield to hide behind, to take a rest behind. a breathing space before spilling out the words that add dimension to imagination bringing thought to concrete, making maybes closer, day by day to statements.
I work my butt off finding the positive in things. It has taken years, and I am far from perfect at it but I hold things lightly in my mind, keeping my opinion tempered with the opposite point of view to minimise the knee jerk judging that everybody does.
We cannot help it. The organism is hardwired for survival which means split second analyses are needed, fight or run, eat or avoid. If our react first think later gene was weaker i suspect we would be the Late Human Race!
I am avoiding talking about my doctor visit. I am frustrated as I came away with very little meat despite burrowing in with questions like a pit bull.
We established firmly I do not have MS, have not had a recent stroke, show no signs of old asymptomatic strokes, TIA's or other brain attacks.
We thoroughly discussed the fact that all my symptoms could be resulting from the three areas of my brain that are remarkable - and I asked about false positives and artifacts, a faint persuing hope dismissed with finality- the largest sitting in the brain stem, that rich conduit of nerves which helps to rule the world. Or at least, move your fingers when you want to.
Then I got into the "W's" What, Why, What next, oh let's not forget the How? As in how did this happen?
This is where my neuro fell back on doublespeak (he has only met me twice).
I was going to try to outline some of the discussion here but I find I am not ready to do that yet.
He has requested that I have lung Xrays, and an ultrasound of my liver and gallbladder. And. a lumbar puncture to inspect the cerebral fluid. He wants them done this week so I m going to be busy.
Basically we are exploring the possibility of some encapsulated pockets of infection which will manifest in some way in the contents of the cerebral fluid where my blood work came back blameless - degenerating cells perhaps?- and checking the rest of the real estate for uninvited tenants sending out squatters. I have had my knee jerk reaction, but I am trying to hold it lightly in my mind