A bit of a rant.
I used to think I was patient. Yesterday knocked that myth out of me!Actually, I am not being fair to myself. After weeks of unanswered questions, being put on hold, sent to get another test done, after meeting with the neurosurgeon his certainty, matter of fact approach let me relax and release my death grip on circumstance.
Someone else was going to make things happen. Oh I did my best to help things along. I called to check that ALL I was supposed to be doing was wait by the 'phone.
In other words, I'm here, I am waiting, please do not forget me....
So when nothing happened...I did not get to see the next doctor , probably operating on some other anxious creature sinking gratefully into chemical oblivion for a few hours. And my little bag, carefully packed with my take on pyjamas sits forlornly at the door; reminder of the greatest aberration of my life. I want to go into hospital.
I want to let go, be told what to do and how and when to do it. Right now I find I sit for ummeasurable moments with nothing in my head to move me forward. In bed this morning, the left side of my body gave great galvanic leaps as if to run away and leave the rest of me all home alone.
When the phone rang, my left arm wavered from my side toward it, contact made, then it fell, a clatter from fingers that did not know their grip was not established.
Three days ago, if I watched, my muscles still could speak to my brain through my eyes ( a sweet conceit no doubt, but all I have is words to draw the picture of my fading) and i could grasp and hold securely. That link too has shut down. It is fast. so fast the doors are closing and others hold the keys I need.
One of the odd contradictions (just one!) is the sensations. I say numb but there is feeling of a kind. My side feels tight and stiff, tied up in bandages, a body cast and all the while my muscles feel like water, like the end of a marathon, dissolved and failing. And neither feeling is fact. The truth is nothing more than garbled messages and typos, a failure to communicate that slows me down to almost stop on just one side.
People keep reassuring me that this is not necessarily fatal. And I am surprised because death is their thought not mine. My fear is being trapped inside my flesh with words that can't escape. I have never truly been immortal in my own mind, have always understood the end implicit in my beginning.
I worry about how to balance this new style of existence with my life. How will I do my job? I already put new programming on hold because I cannot physically run the studio solo any more. Midnight till morning on Fridays has reverted from live with me to automated once more.
Today, I feel like letting go. Not giving up, just hanging in the middle of the sea, looking down at the sand, knowing the sun is up there, and I won't fall because the empty space I see is full of things to hold me where I am supposed to be.
Comments (3)
I just want to jump on a plane and head to Barbados just so I can give you a great big HUGE hug. Although, to be honest, I don't know if it would be for your benefit or mine.
Jackson feels the same way, but knows that the hug would definitely be for YOU.
Out of all the folks here that I'd like to meet one day, you are definitely at the top of the list. Your words and courage continue to be a source of inspiration and amazement and I'm proud to count you as a friend.
Mair