pushing back the walls
I have not been able to write for the past couple of days. The occasional forum post and a poem that squeezed itself out through the cracks in the wall as I started to shut down.Inside my head it is how I picture the tundra, Vast expanse of cold, unfeeling land, caressed by eerie winds that sing songs from pre-history, while grasses rub against each other, whispering hold on, hold on.
Aunty Maggie died. Not really an aunt, just one of those grown ups around from childhood so you never get to be on a first name basis with them, but another lynch pin from my life, now no longer there. And with her, goes my aunt Nancy, true aunt and strong, now devastated by the loss of her childhood friend.
Telling my sister not to let me get depressed because she could not take losing a niece as well.
Why is everyone around me so friggin' sure I am going to die? well actually I am, we all are; BUT not right now! Not if I can help it! I am certainly not going to top myself.
I sit, I meditate, open my mind to guidance rather than my knee jerk 'no', I have researched how best I can use alternative therapies to support my psyche and my system post chemo. post radiation. I know, oh gods, how well I know, how hard this is going to be at times.
A preference for taking a positive attitude only works if you have thoroughly examined the alternatives. Choice can only be made between options. Anything else is denial.
One day you wake up fine(relatively speaking), the next day they say you have interesting shapes where no shapes should be.
The only difference is that now I know. Nothing I say or wish or pray for will change that simple fact that defines my new reality. I have spent the time since March 5th doing my best to embrace this.
Preparing to relinquish control, to let the doctors do what they say they must - but making them explain to me so I understand why this MUST be and not some other way.
Ready to take back control and responsibility as soon as it is time. Gym membership on hold, osteopath interviewed, exercise prgrams I can do now, even if somewhat awkwardly to maintain as much motor control and muscle tone as the garbled messages from bajancentral will permit.
How dare they choose the dark for me? How can I turn to people filled with fear for the support I need? How can I give them strength right now? How can I cry on shoulders that melt as though my tears are acid?
I know this affects everyone, not just me. But right now, for me, it has to be all about me. The worst thing in the world for me would be to let those walls close down, I just know that in my bones. I don't know yet how to say this to those I need to understand this. But if I practise here first I can take thedges off my anger. I don't want to be unkind.
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We hope that God grants you a good day today. Know that we care!
J & D