Real or memorex?

I am lucky in my job. I love what I do, and after a year I have a real friend in my boss. I have actually learned from her that I do not 'have to do it all' . That perfection, while an admirable goal, is not essential in everything I do. That sometimes, tomorrow - or even the next day - is soon enough.

My often twisted and currently macabre sense of humour/of the ridiculous is not really her style, but the learning process has been a two way street apparently.

She just got back from a trade show and when i saw her yesterday she gave me a little 'quark' world with bendy arms and legs for a desk toy, then hesitated a moment and said 'I got you a brain, I wasn't sure...but I got you a brain."

She disappeared into her office and brought me back a bright blue 'brain' stress ball from a company called Livewire. I love it. and have spent a lot of time trying to crush it with my left hand.

i can do absolutely nothing about the mixed messages flashing back and forth from my cerebellum to muscles BUT I am hoping that the same 'muscle memory' that cut my training time after a lay off as opposed to the inch by inch achievement when doing something entirely new will apply to all the muscles hanging around waiting for coherent instruction. So I am using the muscles.

I lack coordination and pretty much all of my finer motor skills on the left side are currently trashed but I can walk, make a fist, do a bicep curl (although raising my arm above shoulder level with anything in my hand pretty much guarantees a whack in the head) and can actually still almost keep my balance walking heel to toe in a straight line. Well, I do stagger, and I have to concentrate so hard my tongue sticks out like a little kid, but I can make it happen.

My theory - and I don't much care if I am right or wrong, it works for me - my theory is that there is likely to be more loss before I get to recovery and I need to remember what my parts are supposed to do! So if i work through range of motion exercises and keep trying to touch my nose with my forefinger and a' spider doing push ups on a mirror' with my hands, when finally reasonably accurate communication is restored my physical being will be accustomed to the motions under duress and will be so delighted to just be able to do it that the road back, while not simple, will be familiar.

Yesterday, in the shower, I rested the soap on my left palm, looked away for just two seconds and when I looked back it was gone. here had been no 'boink' as it hit the tub, no sensation of slipping or release. It was simply gone.

Although I can feel hot, cold and sometimes pressure there is no certainty. And it is very odd to look at a hand, tentatively holding a piece of paper when sensation does not support the information coming from your eyes.

I am a little nervous about embracing these strange distortions and departures from the usual level of reality. A part of me rejoices in the fact that certainty has fled my world. I am not convinced my mind has 'muscle memory' I am not at all convinced I will want to relinquish the sensation of falling through my own flesh, of living on two planes, of being without an 'I' when it is time to come back to here and anchored in the concrete.

Some of this is quite seductive. A part of me is having fun.
Post Comment

Comments (3)

I just cant tell you off for joking at such a serious matter when its you that its happening to - I love your positivity laugh wave
Hi Trish, when you think about what people pay and risk to get their minds altered....all I have to do is close my eyes!rolling on the floor laughing
I'm glad your boss gets your humor. I laughed at her gift of the brain. hug
Post Comment - Let others know what you think about this Blog.

About this Blog

by Unknown
created Apr 2008
1,000 Views
Last Viewed: Mar 19
Last Commented: Apr 2008

Feeling Creative?