feeling empty headed
This morning I cried. It was literally all I could do for some reason. my thought processes have beciome unfamiliar to me and i sit with the inside of my head feeling like a shiny brass bowl, empty apart from the occasional flicker of images I cannot quite see, sounds I cannot quite hear.I have not dreamed a single picture in my head since the radiation started or ended.I am not sure if I am actually sleeping, pr just in some extendeds meditation state and my eyes feel odd as though they are trying to see invisible thuings that are ver importasnt but they haven't caught the focal length yet.
I want a massage very badly to let my body know it still exists in three dimensional space and time.my edges are turning to smoke on the left side.
It is at the same time the most beautiful and teriffying experience of my life because I have no reference at all for where it will take me and I have no idea if this is something you come back from. I am not sure I am sane right now.
Everything has become a tremendous effort to move. To get out of a chair, to work with tiny little weights or do lean ins against the wall to maintain muscle tone.
I am, as much as I can, still producing; a DVD REview programme and I would like ver muuch to work with my favorite client on her next series of four half hours, because then when I start chemo on July fourth I can take a real break to see what that new path brings me.
But for another first, I am not DRiVen to make it happen,I can contemplate saying this is too much right now. And it makes me cry because I have always been able to find a way to make things happen, because I have always believed . I have never had an empty head and I don't know how to use it.
I very rarely spend a great deal of time soul searching any more, I do my best to practise what I believe and try to be open to learn because as I got older so much of what 'mattered' turned to passing fancy, lost in time.
I have strong beliefs that serve me well and I have an immense faith in the richness and rightness of life, no matter how inconvenient it may feel to me at times. Is this faith faltering? Or am I just hitting a wall so far beyond anywhereI have had to go that I have to stretch? Or am I literally feeling cells dying as I need them to, is this a purely physical phenonmenon of literally emptying out internal destruction on an unprecedented scale?
Maybe I just need to get comfortable with NOT knowing. Just rest in the empty brass bowl and look for dust.
Comments (7)
Just hang in there ..
You are coping with this very bravely, just keep on hanging on in there and thinking positive thoughts
I'm sure your blogs are inspiring and encouraging others who are in a similar position to yourself too.
You should be really proud of yourself, just as we're all proud of your bravery
Be strong, it is worth the temporary exhaustion, fuzzyness and skin issues...
I wonder if this is a typical reaction to radiation in that area of the brain. I'm guessing you've asked your doc(s) about side-effects, D? Has there been any effect on the tumor?
I have a feeling you're at your low point right now, and things will start going up the other way soon. I don't know why, but I have that feeling.
Love!
Jeff
Things will get better soon! Just look to the future and remember your goal. Your incredibly strong I believe you have all it takes to get through this. God is with you always!
There was a song that God help us all I sang to my ex when he was going through chemo treatments. He often timed listened it it when he was really down!
Stand by Rascal Flatts
You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand, Then you stand
Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on
[Repeat Chorus]
Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place
Ooohhh
[Repeat Chorus]
God Bless,
Lora
Looks like you are being tested on all fronts...you do have the resources to get you through....go with it and don't fight it you WILL be ok.....
Your awareness of all you are feeling is to be commended and you will learn loads from your experience which will make you an even more wonderful person than you already are.....
You are strong and WILL be ok.....
Love and light to you D.
Eve
Hang in there, all this will pass, you will get through it all.