On Being Single

Well, I am single, and that's why I'm here. Undoubtedly that is why most of us are here.

I decided to blog about being single, my attitudes toward "singlehood," and my feelings and impressions about being single, for two reasons. First as a way for others to get to know me, particularly potential partners. Also, because it helps me to arrange my thoughts and clarify them in my own mind. So often we just live and exist from day. I think we let life get away from us. On being single, I have certainly done that. About a year ago I suddenly thought one day. OMG! I've been single nearly 13 years! That's almost as long as I was married!

When I first divorced I thought I would be remarried easily within 5 or 6 years of the divorce. Well the reality is that it took me that long just to BEGIN to recover from the shock. Admittedly I still live day to day. Nonetheless I never thought I'd be single this long. I went through a time starting maybe 3 or 4 years ago where I decided that I wanted to remain single. Now I know that isn't true. At least going through that phase did help me to focus on some of the positive things about being single. As before my marriage, I had never really been a single gal. I went from my high school boy friend to college and married my college fella.

So the past 13 years have taught me some survival skills. Taught me to stand on my own 2 feet. But they have also taught me what loneliness means, what fear means, and how it feels to be unwanted. Those are lessons I don't feel I deserved to have to learn.

I suppose I could glorify all of the usual things women say about being single and how wonderful it is, but I don't really feel that way. It has taken me this many years to figure out something so simple. The reason I am still single is because I am afraid. Afraid of failing again, afraid to be vulnerable to another and be hurt again, afraid to let anyone get close enough to hurt me. So that is what being single has meant for me. A chance to build walls and build them high and deep.

It seems like every time I trust a little to let someone inside those walls, they do something to hurt me. Though the hurts were not intended, that makes it more difficult for me to let anyone else in, subsequently.

Amazed that I have the sweetness left that I do. And I do, for the right man at the right time, he will never find a sweeter woman. Not rich, not particularly glamorous, talented or wealthy. But very sweet; down to earth. A housewife by trade and a teacher by training. But so not to break the blog rules, as this is not my profile, I will just say that I mention these things because I think it is a testament to my courage to have come as far as I have and still have a loving heart and an open mind. But as far as being single. It is not anything I have ever wanted to be.

At the same time, I won't "settle" just to end being single. I will only be in a relationship where the love is real. So that is how I feel about being single.