Why seek marriage...

When I was 20, puppy love is so romantic disregard reality.

When I was 40, I dream for life long partner.. but seems too late to win through internet world..

Mostly 99.9% of the "sites" men want to bed only, not committment. My man told me my chance to click and found marriage is "miracle" just like to win mark six.

"why should I want marriage".. a question I've been asking myself when I was young. Before 30s, I enjoy dating but after 30s I feel very tired in searching and dating especially when such need a long way to and from to meet for an hour only. It's wonderful if we can see each other everyday, instead of a long way travel. It can only fulfilled if our home is a same loving home. Though I still wish in addition to a big big bed for two, we still have two big beds belongs to each other at that same home so that we can have a quiet sleep when necessary. If we can settle down, my feelings of being sailing in the endless sea can end with parking. Such feeling of loneliness seldom happens when I was young start sailing.. but at my 40s, such loneliness is so strong especially at those rainly cold dark night, it's so tired for long searching journey, so tired and lonely at every Christmas, every new year, every valentines, every birthdays, every festivals... I know how happy I'll be if I can find someone to give up his forest.

Without such secure parking I cannot concentrate my spirit to work, my heart is so insecure, my energy waste in searching, my time waste for transport, my mood always up and down....

I remember one of my successful client said he loves his family so much that it is the most powerful motivation for his work. Because of his marriage, he has a goal for life -- to protect his family which leads to his successful today which he's so proud to share with his wife.

Why get marriage -- answer should be different for different views. If we are honest, responsible and faithful to love, we know it's a kind of motivation for a goal to work together to build a lovely happy home.

But to the man I love he will only say he'll not marry me because most his friends get divorced after marriage. I asked will you stop driving after you learnt how many car accidents a day?? He didn't answer, because he knows so well He'll not stop driving for such reason..

We will not hesitate to do something we love even we know there is something called "accident". As that's life, We will not choose NO driving/travel/swimming..just because we knows there will be accident as we know well We'll get poisioned even we do nothing just sitting home to eat...

I know so well his answer just an excuse... I should know so well The only answer why he doens't want to marry me is because HE DOESN'T LOVE ME AT ALL... BECAUSE I'M NOT THE KIND OF WIFE HE WANTS.. If one day he met a lady he loves certainly he'll marry her... just like what he told me he likes to live alone.. but indeed he let so many girls stay and live, just not me.. He told me he doesn't like to go out weekend because he loves quiet weekend but why I saw him in a mall with a pretty young girl one saturday evening?... because what he claimed he doesn't like to do is just applicable to me, not other girls.. if he wants to please someone, he'll do it.. Just that he doesn't feel need to please me, that's why he doesn't like to do anything for me....

Why I keep waiting him for 8 years.. will he ever knows the answer?? Why I always keep on pretending trust even I know it's lies again and again... will he ever knows why?? Will he ever knows???? Will he ever treasure my love??... NEVER... As so many times I told him during the past 8 years, I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH TO FALL IN LOVE WITH SUCH A STUPID DEVIL LIAR ... Really hope to meet someone who can help me out of that DEVIL...to rebuild my real trust in man..