To H E L L And Back Again.

Quite a few people have claimed to have died and returned. I am one of those lucky souls who made the journey there and was allowed to return and tell about it. Whereas others mostly claim that it was not their time yet, I was returned for quite different reasons.

I spend 12 days that side; of which the first was wasted trying to find a home for me. They made a whole hearing of it. Peter, who represented the Heavenly cause, said I’m not good enough for Heaven and will only corrupt the good.

Mephistopheles, whoever he is, represented the devil and claimed that I don’t satisfy the minimum requirements and that they are working very hard on their new image and cannot allow corrupting influences at the present time.

In the end the devil gave in and I was issued with six month visa on condition I don’t attend any meetings and don’t talk politics. Politics, of course, is a euphemism for religion that side. My case, he said, will be reviewed then.

The only punishment there is to stand waist deep in a cess pool but that is only during lunch breaks and teatime. The rest of the time they have to stand on their heads. The cess pool is rather small and is reserved only for lawyers, artificial inseminators and used car salesmen.

All the others get VIP treatment.

I arrived there in mid winter and it was quite cold. The fire that everybody speaks about had gone out during the dark ages when they ran out of fossil fuels. A total ban on nuclear power left them dependent on hydro electricity which was just enough for lights and cooking. No central heating anymore.

But it is not that bad. I heard they have a good golf course and when the snow melts during the short summer you can actually get a game of golf.

Accommodation was good, the room service excellent and the food even better. Cable TV and a fast WiFi network with uncapped data was available to all but needless to say, all religious sites were blocked. And everything was for free.

I even met with a few other departed souls and some of the living were also sneaking around there but by convention I may not mention their names. All cloak and dagger stuff that side.

There were plenty of women but I had to pick the wrong one again; the devil’s wife this time. One thing led to another and in the end Satan himself walked in on us and I was banished from Hell permanently. I tried to get political asylum in Heaven but it was refused and I was deported.

So there I was, right back in my recliner where I died 12 days earlier; some even missed me while I was gone but I could not tell them I was dead.

What bugs me now; if I am not welcome that side, where do I go when I die; or am I immortal now?