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Hiraeth

Many things I have been called (not that I care). People will say, after all. <SHRUG> Let them say. I know me and take great comfort in my own loving presence. But there is something a little odd. It's a certain longing or yearning, not for a person or a situation to make my life "right". No. I've been looking at this, querying that inner voice which, in the case of this feeling, is a sort of distant howling. I turn inward and survey, looking for its cause. This is what I see and hear and feel.

There's a vast expanse of landscape about me and it's night. A low, broken cloud base, with bright full moonlight peaking through, lights the water upon which I look down. The light catches, spangling the waves and casting the rolling hills in soft silver that bounces off the water and then back down off the clouds. The flickering orange glow of fires dot the hills. I hear distant weeping, all around, and I reckon the fires are pyres. There's a hollow ache and, as I come back to here and now, a deep longing for a place I have, in this life, never been.

That's part of it -- the first layer -- and it's a "memory" of sorts, but not from this life. It represents, in my psyche "unfinished business": something "unforgiven" against which some part of my passion yet rails, "No. I defy it." And yet the sense of loss is shattering and it leads me deeper, to another level of longing where that pain is healed and another longing has its roots.

I see a world, like a blue jewel in the barren cauldren of cosmos. The water dazzles my sensorium -- every shade of blue and green and freckled with white-rimmed jade islands. They're festooned with color: purple Tibuchina and lavender jacaranda and the crimson tops of Delonix Trees, otherwise known as "Flame of the Forest". Seething clouds of jeweled birds vault into blue abyss of the sky as I descend and find him there, waiting and smiling, his toes buried in the warm sand and the sunlight glinting and catching in his eyes, scintillating like topaz. And I know as he looks at me, for certain, we cannot lose what we love because it's always here, in this world -- the real world. And then I waken and wonder why I left there to come here.

Surely, I did not leave him to come here and remind this sad lot of self absorbed souls of what they ought already know?

And yet, I know that is exactly what I did and I am amazed at my stupid love and the arrogance that it takes to make one think they can make any sort a difference to sleeping godlings who are enchanted with their own dreams of horror.

Yes, I am still "alive". More's the pity, really.



Scotland... Aye.

Hi Al. wink Reassuring, it is, to see you are well. One prays you are also happy. Here's lookin' at you (since you're lookin at me). grin

Comments (59)

Angelpepper
wave Hey! Cousin CaillingC.;
..................................hug
CailinCallaghan
Hi angel ! How are you, sweet lady? teddybear
cheavy
Wow Cai. I just read your profile. You sound pretty cool!
Lukeon
wave CC, good to hear ur still alive and biting...laugh
Minerva88
Hello Cailin, my dear friend. Welcome back!
I have missed you...hug

Watch out with Cheavy here, he will only break your heart.crying wave
CailinCallaghan
Heya Chevy. I am lunatic, but not "fringe". No. This gal is right up front and center: leader of the pack of loons... That's what an intense revelation during a near death experience does to ya, donchaknow. Misfit the remainder of your days. <SHRUG> Ca va. Ca bouge, more precisely.

wave Grand to meet you.
guadal
pepper, she's ur angel...shock sick
CailinCallaghan
Hi Luke. batting Grand to see you. Yes, still nipping anything that gets close enough. Haven't needed to floss or brush, in a very long time (truth be told -- and I am "into" dauntless candor. Don't try it, I recommend. Scares away most as they only pretend not to be faint of heart.) I keep a low profile. Wouldn't mind nipping YOU thought. flirty Don't fret. I rarely even leave a mark. kiss
Angelpepper
laugh guadal;
That! Is So Funny!....rolling on the floor laughing
cheavy
Miner? Have I said any thing to hurt your feelings??? If so that was never my intent. I am not aware of any one else on this site that I am able to talk with as I am able to talk and think with you! You are a mind opener!! That is why you are a Miner.
CailinCallaghan
Hi Minerva. Great to see you, Gal. Cheavy can have my heart to break. (There's not much left of it anyway.) And no, I am NOT particularly blue today. I am considering I'd LOVE to be in Scotland on 09/18/2014: Independance day! HOO-waaah... I think I must have died at Culloden. Being there on Independance Day would just set something right in my heart -- bring it all full circle. Any lovely Scotsmen out there want to import me for the festivities? drinking Ready to GO! Slàinte mhòr, boyos! teddybear
CailinCallaghan
Mikey. Nice to see you are well. I hope you are also happy, enjoying a beautiful summer. wave
rapturecapture
Hi Callin

Nice to see you back alive and well...hug bouquet
CailinCallaghan
Hey RC. Niiice threads. You look grand and it's great to see you. I've been wondering if I might induce you to do a little reading for me and give me your thoughts. I know you write and read and so I could use a fresh perspective. If you're interested, drop me a PM. teddybear
You're still with us then, I was beginning to wonder if you hadn't forgotten us all professor wine
CailinCallaghan
Hi Z. YOU, I truly missed. Nice to HEAR you wondered. flirty I've been busy writing (of course). I must say the series has leapt to a new level of literary attraction. I am loving creating but there are other projects begging to be written in my mind. Are you a reader by any chance?
cheavy
I am a reader. I want to read your thoughts. Really! Nothing else intended. I love to recieve new thoughts to retwist my mind.
cheavy
And to read the thoughts of a self professed luny. I would love that.
Zeurich
Hi nice to meet youhandshake
A reader, no, have only managed 30 pages of the book I'm reading in the last 3 years doh laugh
Minerva88
Sorry Cheavy, It was only meant as a joke!comfort comfort

He is not a "heartbreaker", he is a "HeartWinner" and my Hero!hug
CailinCallaghan
Hi Zeurich! Sorry you're not feeling like doing much today. hug Nice to meet you! wave
CailinCallaghan
Rats... Z, I took you for a literary man. Yet anOTHER illusion shattered. blues So I reckon you to be Anglish as well. How do you feel about the impending independance of Scotland? grin I cannae help it. I am a Celt! (Forgive me, do, please.)
CailinCallaghan
Nae worries Minerva! Cheavy's a gent! (I'm sure.) drinking
cheavy
Cheavys a gent. NOT!!! Yet, I am able to go with the flow.
Miner, You melt me down and polish my rough edges. Love that about you.
I had that discussion here with a Scots couple a week or so ago, I always viewed Scotland as an important part of the UK, now I see how many want independence it's obvious they're not team players I hope they vote yes & stew in their own juice frustrated
CailinCallaghan
That's funny, Z. Very Anglish of you. Whyyy, you could ALmost be American with that perspective. Why, pray tell, would you expect THEIR memory of occupation and clearances and cultural and political oppression, just a scant 200 years old, should be shorter than Angland's memories of their "empire"? I will remind you that, though I love the Anglish and their sense of humour, "Britain" has made its fortune by wresting resources from the lands they occupied -- much the same way America is occupying other lands now too. <SSSSPIT!> The Scots don't need Angland and those are the "Celtic Isles". (Just taunting you, Lad, and lovingly so.) bouquet
We'll see who needs who when the time comes, oh how I'll miss the noise of a cat being strangled or bagpipes as you Celts like to call it professor laugh rolling on the floor laughing
cheavy
Zmount. I love your passon, yet, I am not so sure if the Us and Briton are going to have enough strangh to hold on much longer.
CailinCallaghan
Like NOOOT! Z, yes, I am sure you'll miss that. <SNORT!> So, if a kidnapper/home invader came into my house and occupied it long enough for me to develop stockholm (but took good care of me while he was occupying) you'd call me an "ingrate" for slaying him in his sleep when I got the chance? laugh It's just a metaphor, Lad. No need to take it personally. teddybear
cheavy
Nothing like a Scott. Tough breed I must say!!!
Zmount, your court.
cheavy , after all this talk of independence I'm not going to consider myself British any longer but English, as far as England holding on, agencies are tripping over themselves to uprate the economic forecasts, if Scotland wants to go it alone good luck to them but I suspect the Irish may now be regretting being a small independent nation, perhaps a member would care to comment on that, I wouldn't worry too much about England though of course with all this talk of the dollar collapsing nobody will escape that if it happens, but no matter, the UK would have been a stronger place united I feel, something which will now prove an impossibility regardless of how they vote. beer
CC, England invading Scotland, where in history did you find that, I seem to recall the English bought the Scots off rather than have that kind of aggro, even Romans didn't bother invading Scotland laugh rolling on the floor laughing laugh
cheavy
You are right in some, if not many ways Zmount. The dollar crashing issue may well be a blessing in disgise I am thinking. It is going to be tough on a lot of people, but I am ready. That theroy of fieat dollar was failed from the start. A way of rape. A stronger system will emerge.
cheavy
Zmount, Scotland was taken over when Queen Elisbith offed the head of her cousin, Queen Mary.
cheavy, so I'm wrong in many ways dunno didn't realise I'd said enough to be so wrong confused
cheavy
Right now, the world is a mess. What can I say. Standing together would be the best way, however, just who are we supporting?? That is the quest of the question.
cheavy , Scotland was bought off, in any case dragging up ancient history will hardly aid the cause of of a unified UK, ever country has episodes of it history it would sooner forget, except the French who just rewrite it to suit imo.
cheavy
That was great. Gots to love the French.
CailinCallaghan
Here's the thing: If you've an "occupier" on which to blame your troubles you'll never grapple them yourselves. And it's normal, expected even, for peoples recently given their independance to struggle with a sense of identity and national direction for a time after occupation ceases.

The Celts are hardy people. They'll rebound and get their legs. The Anglish did their best to wipe them out along with their tribal culture. All they succeeded in doing was spreading them all over the globe (by way of exporting the "rebels") and to strengthen their sense of tribe. That's the way it works, after all -- always. Give a group of feuding tribes/clans a common enemy and it unites them. How can this surprise you.. at ALL? After all, the Anglish taught us all that the best way to keep such tribes/clans from uniting to fight THEM was to create the semblance of division among the clans so that they were too busy fighting each other. They used this tactic EVERYwhere. Mind, it was the GOVERNMENT, NOT the people.

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