What’s love got to do with it?
The reasons why people enter into relationships or decide to get married are many and varied.In many cases “love” is not the initial primary factor, what seems to count for more is that the person we intend to spend our lives with is a “good” person that will care for us, respect us and provide for our needs.
“I always felt he never loved me”... was an admission made to me the other day, yet this particular woman was married for almost 30 years.
Has this been the case for you or anyone you know and as much as love takes many forms, is it really necessary to “be in love” to have a fruitful and contented life with someone?
Comments (66)
Are you suggesting that love can be a distracting factor in a relationship?
Oh THANKS. Now I've got Tina Turner stuck in my head for the day.
I married for the reasons you quoted and do think marriage is an entirely different kettle of fish. You look there for staying power and a deep and abiding affection. One can be wildly in love with insanely unsuitable people and never DREAM of marrying them!
A lot of people settle for contented companionship rather than be alone. That's fine until boredom sets in and fatal when temptation presents itself, but then most people are boring anyway, and temptation can be resisted. The older we get, the less time stretches ahead to get bored, and the fewer temptations there are. For those 60 and over, a contented life has a lot to offer.
For me - it hasn't got to be perfect, (oh good another song) but I did the contented thing once and it didn't take, I'd rather be alone than bored to tears. I do have to be stimulated and pleased by someone's company, to care very much. But who knows what I will think in a few years ...
I think men take a lot for granted in relationships, so long as they are getting what they want love is not something they consider important hence forget the needs of women.
I would suggest (but dont know) that in general, relationships tend to last for as long a period as the woman loves the man?
"I'm not in love"... 10cc, another song for your head
"A lot of people settle for contented companionship rather than be alone"
I'm sure this is what a lot of people call... "settling for second best"... someone no doubt will mention it!
Thank you for your story, just goes to show that regardless as to the attributes of a good person, sometimes they need a good kick up the bum to make them a little more exciting.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, 'Yes.'
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I entirely agree with that statement.
As for "settling for second best", ummmmm... yes, many people do.
But I am not one of them.
I´d rather be on my "own" the rest of my life than being with someone I don´t love and who is not compatible with me.
Been there, done that, and not repeating it!
I know its Sunday.... a day of sermons
BUT
Sheeech!... give us a break!
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
And that's your blog back, Sola. And, perhaps, the question answered?
A little culture never hurt anyone. Cultured like a pearl, us.
My final lover I will adore, and he me, nothing less will do at this time in my life.
If he does not appear, l'll continue to do the things I love and live in single contentment
"I´d rather be on my "own" the rest of my life than being with someone I don´t love and who is not compatible with me."
All well and good, but, what if you met a guy that WAS compatible?
These are instances where initial compatibility over time turns into love.
I'd settle for a kindly millionaire, though.
"Don´t tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart-
Show me how you can turn away from making another wrong
without abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved."
"Don´t tell me how wonderful things will be... someday.
Show me you can risk the way things are right now in this moment, and again in the next and the next and the next..."
"And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest intentions has died away on the wind,
dance with me in the infinite pause before the next great inhale of the breath that is breathing us all into being,
not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within"-
“I always felt he never loved me”
Yep" i can sincerely say that was the case with me...
he may of loved me somewhat, but not enough to want to be married to me for the rest of his life.. reasons why i refused his proposal..when you feel someones heart really isn't init, how could you happily go ahead with such a thing
But alas, i did marry him for argument sake...
but truthfully, i done more so out of guilt and shame.
It took only my wedding night to know i had made a massive mistake..but sometimes with somethings what to do but sleep in the bed you made.
So when i read where you say "love is not the primary factor"..well each to their own reasons and choices but for me love, as in real love is my ONLY must...
i think once you have that, everything else will fall nicely into place
"My final lover I will adore, and he me, nothing less will do at this time in my life.
If he does not appear, l'll continue to do the things I love and live in single contentment."
Exactly how I feel! Very well said!
You used the word "lover", Do I take this to mean in the physical sense or someone that you are "in love" with?
A tale of heartfelt sadness, all be it little comfort to know you are not alone (thanks Minerva) at least you are still young enough to reap the rewards of any true love that may come your way.
i'm sure it is.. but i'm sure we don't share the same guilt & shame.
Is comfortable boredom better than loneliness?
Lover, Boyfriend, Partner, the Man/Love of My Life, Soul Mate...
If you were more precise, I wouldnt need to nit pick
there are people who are adamant about love and how they wont settle for anything less but etc these people lead a miserable lonely life because of their high expectations and stubborbess...
but then if you find both nothing like it.....
I chose the word 'lover' intentionally..
There have been many, in my life, but my next will be my final and he will fulfil my physical, emotional and intellectual 'needs'
Previous applicants need not apply
But I would also add "Spiritual needs", apart from physical, emotional and mental.
"there are people who are adamant about love and how they wont settle for anything less but etc these people lead a miserable lonely life because of their high expectations and stubbornness"
In other words..... pretty much all the women on CS!
"There have been many, in my life, but my next will be my final and he will fulfil my physical, emotional and intellectual 'needs' conversing"
So love has nothing to do with it!
"Previous applicants need not apply"
Goes without saying!
Precisely!
If we value ourselves we deserve the BEST!
I do not live a lonely miserable life but a happy and contented one. If the right man comes along, then it will be a bonus rather than a necessity.