Blindsided By Life

I've dreamed of living in Ireland for years now. It is a dream that has sustained me through my darkest days. I plan to move there, with my son, after he graduates high school next summer. Yes, I had my life all planned.

I don't know if my dreams of Ireland are going to come true now! Something has happened to throw that dream into chaos! I am so angry and confused.

I was careful to only correspond with men from Ireland. Well, last month 2 of them broke contact with me when I told them about my past baggage of the abuse and suicide attempts and mental health issues. Most men can't handle it and I don't blame them. One of the men couldn't handle the fact that I have seen and interacted with spirits and grew up in a haunted house.

They both ended up calling me a freak and leaving skid marks on the pavement in their haste to get away from me.

I cannot help the fact that my 150 year old childhood house is haunted or that I could sense and see the things I do! I grew up believing everyone could and it was no big deal. My mother told me to never mention it out loud again and to never tell anyone. Well, that made me feel like a freak for sure.

I have been corresponding with 3 men from Ireland, since the "freak incident." Everything had been going well for this past month.

Unbeknownst to me, a man had slipped in under my radar. And he is not Irish! How could I have let this happen?! We got to know each other in the forums. Just friendly banter really. He got to see all my secrets because of my inability to lie and keep my mouth shut.

He even joked with me about knowing my bad qualities and asked if I had any good qualities as a selling point to recommend me as a potential partner for a man. That remark kind of stung. He emailed me to apologize and we have been corresponding ever since. He got to know me better on the forums and through our private correspondence.

I should have seen it coming, but I didn't! He is so kind, compassionate, caring, understanding, loving and passionate he completely blindsided me! How could I stand against such an onslaught?! I had also stopped corresponding with the 3 men from Ireland a week ago and I didn't even notice!

When he confessed his feelings Wednesday night and I realized mine, I was livid with anger! How could I have let this happen?! I let him have it with other things from my past to discourage him and he took the revelations with style and grace! I then asked about any bad qualities he had and if he had any beliefs that were sexist, racist, homophobic or anything else objectionable. He responded calmly that I knew him well enough that I already knew the answers to those questions.

Dammit, I did! I raged at him for a couple hours until I calmed down. He was loving and kind through my whole tirade. Of course! He's perfect for me! But he's not Irish! I'm so screwed.

I told my 17 year old autistic son about my problem. He looked at me confused and said, "You have a man who knows all your flaws and accepts you and loves you anyway. What is your problem, again?"

Men! You see what I'm dealing with?!