Who Should I Date?

Is this person kind, and growing in kindness? How do they treat their friends or family? How do they treat “everyday” people who they don’t need to impress: restaurant servers, cashiers, etc.? These are telling indicators of kindness. How do they handle anger? Are they able to express anger appropriately? Can they talk about frustrations, or do they stuff feelings? Does their room have punch holes in the wall? Do they know the difference between healthy and unhealthy anger? How do they handle conflict? Do they need to be right, even if it’s at the expense of the relationship? It’s possible to be right about an issue but still handle it in the wrong way. So date someone who knows how to apologize. Is this person aware of (and patient with) weakness? We all have pressure points and weaknesses that rub against others. This calls for patience and grace with ourselves and one another. Is this someone I can work alongside? Once all the initial euphoria subsides, the question is whether this is someone alongside whom you can do the regular tasks of life: Can you still be a good friend to others? Is this someone with whom you can enjoy a healthy “normal”: doing laundry, planning your year, working at your job? Are they trustworthy? Are they faithful to do what they say, to keep a confidence? Is their yes ‘yes’, and their no ‘no’? Are they faithful with their (and your) sexuality? Dating is a terrible time to test s*xual compatibility since great sex has little to do with biology and so much to do with established intimacy in other areas: something increased by trust and time. Do they say thank you? Do they practice thankfulness in small and big ways? Do they know who they are and whose they are? Knowing that our identity is found in being unconditionally loved by God is the foundation for healthy love relationships with people. No person, no matter how wonderful, can fill the deep need we have to find our identity in being loved. This is a God-shaped hole in our hearts, and we need to be people and date people who let God fill the God-shaped hole. Is this a person with whom I can grow in my faith? So ask: Is this someone with whom God’s Word has a place between us, and with whom I can share God’s wisdom and encouragement? Great marriages are made of the same stuff that dating relationships and friendships are made of. This means that the popular advice on “getting a girl” and “finding a guy” which focuses on fine tuning your appearance and social etiquette really doesn’t get to the heart of the matter. Being smaller, bigger, more ripped, bustier, more confident (or whatever it is you feel you need to make yourself more attractive) has little or no correlation to actual dating success, which is about figuring out whether you could really live life with this person. Ultimately, we marry someone to live with them, not to go to parties or look good in Instagram vacation shots. Dating well means dating someone who is becoming a person you trust and respect. It means discovering more about yourself so you can become such a person yourself. It has nothing to do with someone’s résumé, BMI, GPA, 401(k), or their hotness score; it has everything to do with discovering one another’s character, even as you’re developing your own. So, maybe it’s time to call it quits on that relationship you’ve been in for a while, because it's not showing the signs of character growth in both of you. Or perhaps it’s time to consider dating with a bit more of an open mind. Even if you don’t know where this will ultimately go, why not see if you can be friends and take it from there? The better we are at relationships in general, the better our dating, and ultimately our marriages will be. There is no secret ingredient to a perfect marriage. It’s the stuff we already know and appreciate about others—the tools we already use for finding good friends and reliable roommates—that we need to put into practice.

Be kind, be generous, and date.