The hot date.

After meeting on CS, me and this Irish bird started chatting and sending little smiley emoticons to each other. We chatted on Skype and arranged to meet up the following week. Upon arriving in a strange land, full of strange people, with their strange customs and ways, I felt alone. But my anxiety was short-lived because there she was all of a sudden in front of me. Her radiant smile lit up the room and her luxuriant red hair drew obscene comments from the Turkish baggage handlers, and I felt like the luckiest man on Earth.

So we held hands on the beach, then went and had a big feed of haggis. After several pints of Guiness, and a visit to a sleazy kareoke bar, things started to get a bit hot and heavy. It was decided we should go back to my hotel and fool around a bit, to celebrate. She had the most delightful body, everything was in the right place. There she was, completely naked on the bed, apart from a pair of woolen leg-warmers.

Now obviously I'm a massive fan of Flashdance, having seen the film several times, and so I didnt think too much of it. So one thing leads to another, next thing you know I can feel her leg warmers brushing against my face. As I'm allergic to wool, I started sneezing. One or two stray nose goblins flew across the room but I dont think she really noticed.

The leg warmers were really starting to shit me, upon closer inspection I noticed they seemed to bulge out a fair bit at the ankle area which immediately gave me cause for concern. She made loads of feeble excuses not to take the warmers off, such as I'll get cold legs etc etc, to which I replied its OK I'll put the heater on. Eventually she passed out and fell asleep, and I thought it would be the right time to take them off. I tried not to make too much noise, but I kept sneezing.

Finally, I could see why she was so reluctant about it. Her ankles were hairier than a Clydesdale horses, and quite mishapen. They were like rainforest trees with buttress roots, and hairier than a wilderbeasts ballsack. So now it was critical that I didnt wake her up, delicately placing a warm blanket on her otherwise awesome body, before quietly packing my bags and leaving. I had to wait 4 hours at the airport, that was the earliest flight I could get back home.

After that, I moved to Mount Isa and had a sex change before taking up a job driving trucks. These days, I mostly just sit around chewing my fingernails right down and look at porn on the internet.