Never allow somebody to be your priority While just being their option.

Up early this morning , Another storm warning, taking my antibiotics. I was very taken with a blog I read, about being 'played' [it was Nams and that's obvious]...

I thought the poem was sad. The story was sad. We have all been 'played' 'used' unless we are very lucky.

Regardless of Age,, Race, Colour, Class, Education, Intelligence, [Emotional intelligence] we become Myopic when we fall for somebody.

The Red Flags are always there... Often we are so excited by the prospect of this great chemistry, [like a drug], the feelings within us like a shot of Heroin through our veins, the high the person gives us, the thought that 'this is the one ' we deliberately ignore those tiny little voices from the bottom of our stomach 'Our Gut Feelings'sigh

Gut feelings are an animal instinct, how sad that as humans we tend to intellectualise, and rationalise everything in our heads all the time, ~ particularly in relationships. Oh, it's just her way, He says he is busy so must be,
Waiting for somebody to phone... somebody who is a game player.

Probably the most dangerous of all... the controller, the Narcissist. Those who take you up in the air like a whirlwind, you suck you in with a love that isnot love, but who play you, and things happen too quick, too fast, and before you know the person, you are in a relationship, beginning to feel pangs of pain, and making excuses for people.

So, when I read something like this . It makes me sad. Somebody broke my heart a few years back.
As you get older, things hurt us more . We don't bounce back that quickly, and if it is genuine love, we go through a period of grief, and self searching . Eventually, and I am ashamed to say this, It took me 2 years of absolute hell, when the man came back into my life to be 'friends' but tried too for benefits [no I am not that stupid].... but I was lonely, and I knew him well, we had so much in common.

Now I have come to realise , I am, like Nam said, an option,, not a priority, and when that becomes apparent, it is time to say goodbye, Just text, whatever feels right , but don't get sucked into an emotional debate.

This man said and says 'You were the love of my life ' but not so much that he even bothered to phone in the past 3 days knowing I am very ill with pheumonia [ok might seem ok on blogs but cannot speak and hard to breathe]..... no, nothing in it there for me.

So, to finish up... in the Beginning the Red Flags are there. We choose not to see them. I really believe that. We rationalise as I've said,make excuses. Love is very blind, infatuation gives you pink vision.

Somebody who plays games, talks about other women/Men she /he's had in glowing terms and speaks about their great looks, beauty is a game player, letting you know how lucky you are to have him.

Somebody who rushes the whole relationship thing... and wants intimacy emotionally, and sexually too fast, too soon and 'falls in love' too fast, isnot a healthy person emotionally and will be a control freak.

~Somebody who buys you too many gifts in the beginning and then it peters out completely [who wants lots of gits? ] is buying your love and winning you over. not healthy

So, regardless of age, looks, love is not beyond any of us. I have cut ties with my old 'friend' it became apparent that he phoned me when it suited. Never collected me to take me to his house but let me get the bus over nearly 2hours of a journey, why? coz he doesnot like driving. i am embarrassed writing this but sometimes, loneliness and the need for a friend who seems to truly share our hobbies [art and photography] in this case, and politics.... is hard to give up as a friend. But there is a time to say goodbysad flower

Comments (12)

Proficiency1
Golden

hug
I like your blog

We tend to see the red flags and we choose to ignore them, sadly.
I've read the blog you mentioned too and I believe there is a part in there for everyone. Some persons can speak of these things and that's great and that is where true healing begins.
most don't say anything about their encounters because of the scum like attitude of some. Waiting to hear and read things that are dark in your life to throw it in your face.

I've had my displeasures aswell and I'm glad this place is somewhere one could be a little carefree without much regards as this is the virtual world.

self love is the best love of all.bouquet
Redex
GG first let me say sorry about your illness at the moment and for sure things will get better taking correct meds.

Same as life listen to inner self and mostly it will take you on correct path.

sometimes I veered just for adventure and learnt listen to your self. These days I am friendly with everyone, mostly MYSELF. I am lucky that I don,t crave for a partner if one comes along out of friendships I make then good.

Past mistakes GG and hurts get filed no good dwelling on them, they cannot be made better so throw them in the bin.

Maybe am harddunno but just reckon not to expect anything in this life until it happens and keep a smile on your face.

wishing you well my friend and sending smiley vibeshug
goldengloss
Proficiency Thanks for comments. On reading the other Blog, it brought up that awful pain and sadness and I felt I needed to Blog.
I am genuinely not actively seeking a romance just now. I have other priorities I need to get sorted first and if the right person comes along, I wouldnot be bitter or make him suffer for the sins of my x. No, It would be nice, ,but I am not actively searching so I feel free to write here.


I am aware, and have been told, my writings and replies are far too long. But I am hardly going to change now.
If I help just one person on the site, or it reinforces the Red Flag warning... then it is not a wasted blog.

Have a good day in Montego Bay,, cold and very windy here.

Take care lovely lady,

GGhug
goldengloss
Redex you are a wise woman, and that wisdom, I suspect has come from much experience in life and you are also very pragmatic and realistic.

I agree with you 100%. You have to get on with your life. But, like you, I am not looking, and that is genuine. If I were, I wouldnot be writing blogs like this to scare people off. I have always dated non bloggers anyway.

Friendship is v important to me, and as you get older, It is paramount. The trust, and fun and shared activities, that a new frienship can bring, without that Adrenaline rush that we go for when younger... is much more lasting, and the love comes and the passion will come in time, if it is meant to be.

Thanks for your comments regarding my illness. I have had this for so long now. I am on 5th Dose of very heavy Antibiotics. I rarely take them, but my body is not responding and they are very strong.... so sick being sick.

Still great recipes, poetry and all manner of things on C.S. and thank God for T.V. [not an avid watcher] but some good Series on BBC 1 and 2 and our own stations keep me sane. I am beginning to feel like I am in solitary confinement, the place I rent is so so small.... Stir crazy for a long walk in nature and just not able or allowed to go out. Another storm here today... Just want to get this out and off my chest and be well again to be able to speak without wheezing pain and coughing. Also it is contagious.

Better days ahead. March is a good month. lovely days and cold days so here's hoping....

Take care Redex and enjoy your new abode and the surroundings. bouquet
seagrit
Hi Gold,

You know you're worth your weight in gold! laugh Don't let anyone take advantage of you, ever...

I know how people/men can impose on you, particularly when you are vulnerable and we can all get caught out but just remember that you're better than that. And there's no crime in being naïve either... cheers
goldengloss
Seagrit Thanks for your lovely reply. I used to go blushing to those self help shelves in the book shop when i was in my 20s and 30s 'Women who love too much' 'Men are from Mars, women are from Venus', and probably the best was a more recent one I got from a friend 'He's just not that into you'. Assertive classes etc.,

In the end, we are who we are, we are too niave , or some of us are too open, our faces and eyes tell everything , like a child, we have go guile. The price we pay for that is, decent people are attracted by vulnerability, but nasty people take advantage... either way, I have come to the conclusion, that we basically don't change.

They say madness is not learning from experience though and I genuinely feel I have. Those red flags i wrote about and players, and having more self respect, these things CAN be changed. The badic personality cannot.

I have a friend who is extremely streetwise with men, she never seems to get hurt, she gives very little, expects alot is a high maintenance lady, and very pretty woman, she is always immaculately dressed in the most expensive outfits... hair perfect, many holidays , and her men always look after her well financially.

She walks out of a relationship and straight into the arms of another man, usually rich. She doesnot give her heart. I am not berating her, She is a funny person at times, and I do enjoy her fashion sense and the magnficent clothes she wears and the Diamonds and bracelets and rings bought by various men.... but.....


She is one of the most deeply unhappy people I know. Dumping on me so much that I had to call a halt and say 'you need professional counselling' So the 'cute' women don't always avoid pain either. hug Have a lovely day
Proficiency1
Thank you Golden.

The long writes not a problem for me, mainly because you express yourself very well.

Yes the weather is awesome here and I hope yours will improve very soon.
Roughroadergirl
Hi GG I'm sad to read that you have experienced this, but it's nothing at all to be ashamed of. We have all been there in one way or another. I've briefly mentioned before a very intense relationship where I literally would of walked on hot rocks for him, travelled miles to see him if only for a few hours etc. I changed during the time I was with him, became a shadow of myself and the things that first attracted him to me slowly started to melt away. Unfortunately due to their own insecurities they start to reflect negativity on to you, to try to gain control of you, thinking that if they belittle or have you on a tight rein you won't wander.... The thing is it works for a period of time and you love that person so much that you are oblivious to their adenga and slowly fall in to line...but in time the nagging doubts in your mind become more regular, the put downs too many, the rows too prominent. Even the making up seems a pointless exercise as within the next few days you know you will be in the same place of despair once again. You begin to loosen the reins and find the courage to struggle and fight back...
I found the strength to eventually jump off of the rollercoaster, the extreme highs and lows was doing me or my health no good! It's about finding the right ride in life, if we didn't try we wouldn't know...but I'm looking for a log flume type ride now with a lazy river entwined. I want to feel that rush of love and excitement at times but also be happy just cruising along content that I'm loved unconditionally...
It's what we all deserve, and you as much as anyone. You have taken the first steps to finding the right ride by letting the faulty one go...
kiss
seagrit
Hi again Gold,

'It ain't necessarily so' that good looking/well off people are so 'well off' after all! To my eyes, it's all fake and bullshit...

Who cares what designer clothes/car you drive? (I don't drive; walking's better) But anyway, like your 'friend' who revolves around that kind of scene, it's all a bit bullshity and false... There must be some genuine types out there as well...

When it comes to getting involved, it always goes wrong when I mention 'accounting'....laugh
goldengloss
Seagrit ~ Thanks for wise words. I don't drive either. I manage without. I agree totally with you, as I have matured in my 30s I became disenchanted with materialism, of course I like a nice perfume, the usual thing, the wants sometimes as well as the needs.
But, I am quite pleased with myself that I have downsized my life, Rid myself of alot of jewellry and clothes.
I cut my own hair, and don't have 3 to 4 blowdries a week like person mentioned.

I actually think people like that have a very low self esteem underneath or else they are simply Narcissistic, I don't have much in common with this person, they were friends from a v early age, but the designer sunglasses at 400euro and recently a coat at 5.000euro, I found quite disgusting.

I love the simplicity of less is more, gardening, nature, people, conversation, learning, reading, you know what I mean. To me , having a wardrobe or wardrobes full of expensive colour co ordinated clothes would be so anxiety provoking, I am wearing a warm T shirt top today, with jeans [ankle graze] and gaudy pink sneakers [coz they are fun and I like them]. That's me nowadays .
goldengloss
Rough Thanks for such a helpful and well written reply. Your reply reminded me of that song 'Killing me softy' you read my mind and said it right out loud. Exactly the same... they project negativity on to you ,their lack of confidence and they slowly grind you down, bit by bit, it is insideous. You don't notice that you are losing confidence or that you are being controlled.

Then, you realise you are walking on eggshells because you love them and those moods scare the sh-- out of you. They did for me. The anger was palpable. The things they love about you, become the things they hate.... why do you wear that mascara? you don't need make up. That colour is too bright for you . etc., you are being molded and controlled.

Sorry you had such a rough time. but you gained so much wisdom and you now know exactly what you want from relationship. That soft flowing river rings very true with me too. No gushing.... no rushing. Nice n easy does it.

Finally, isn''t it amazing that when we love too much, too hard, people who don't love themselves and therefore, are not capable of loving us, walk over coals for them, such is the depth of our love . Cringe making for me !!!
Not embarrassed but I cringe when I think of how my standards dropped in how I let myself be treated.

All in the past now, but my physical and emotional health suffered alot. I had never loved so deeply before.
I don't hate the man. I think he should have a Govt. Health warning and I pity his next victim. He has lost me , as a lover, and most importantly as a friend. I feel a lesser woman would have been better for him. Take good care, be safe in the knowledge that you are young , and you won't let it happen again.hug
Hi Golden

I am sorry to hear your story , Life contains many stages ,Flavors and colors , Please don't be disappointed

Always remember , god is always with us , God helps us and never leaves us alone in Tough time teddybear hug
Juneau: "Famous Legs!"(meet us in the quizzes)

Would YOU like to post a blog on Connecting Singles?

Would YOU like to post a blog on Connecting Singles? Have you written blogs that you'd like to share with other members? Posting your blogs shows your skill and creativity and helps members get to know you better. Your blog will appear on the Connecting Singles Blogs page and also in a link on your profile page. Click here to post a blog »

 
We use cookies to ensure that you have the best experience possible on our website. Read Our Privacy Policy Here