The Key to a Successful Relationship
May not be linked to external trappings such as .jobs, income, appearance, etc., — these tend to "come and go."Instead it may be Relational Self-Awareness , which is defined as "the ability to take a curious stance vis a vis yourself."
"People who don't have much relational self-awareness tell stories (especially love stories) that are full of blame and shame. They tend to cast themselves as victims and other people as suckers, losers, or fools."
On the other hand, a relationally self-aware person might say something like, "It wasn't the right time for us," or "It was painful, but I learned from the experience."
"Without relational self-awareness, what happens is I slip into into blame — I see it as your fault because I'm blind to my own role in it — or I slip into shame — because I'm not paying attention to your role and I'm convinced that I'm the problem and I ruined the whole thing."
A relationally self-aware partner will realize that you both messed up and "ended up way down this rabbit hole of misunderstanding."
How do you recognise the lack of self-awareness in somebody (or in yourself)?
Pay attention to how they talk about their past relationships; see if they always blame others for every bad thing that has happened to them; see how they treat a waiter who brings an incorrect drink; see how they deal with another road user, etc.
Basically, when the sh1t hits the fan, how do they react.
Can you improve their self-awareness?
Improve your own, and let them learn from you.
(Thisisinsider.com)
Comments (71)
It s basically saying people should take personal responsibility in relationships, and not constantly blame the other.
You had a great relationship, JJ. Not many are that lucky.
You could have another great one too. Not by letting your standards slip, but just realising that it will be a different relationship, rather than worse
That is self-awareness in itself
You can build on that by seeing where you made the mistakes, and not repeat them again
I have never blamed anybody for any relationship that didn´t work out and have always been self aware.
For me I tend to look at it on a spiritual perception - "this was definitely a karmic relationship", "I learned my lesson"," it wasn´t meant to be forever and now it´s time to move on.." - and I´ve ALWAYS forgiven and cut ties in order to move on.
On the other hand, I´ve known people who keep bringing up their ex and have anger and resentment issues.
Cast your net wider. Use as many dating sites as you can manage.
Go on an All-Ireland tour as well...you'd never know who you'd meet along the way
It is hard to change a habit of a lifetime, but possible
I know where I have gone wrong too.
I could/would never say anything bad about any of my exes, they are wonderful people, but just not wonderful for me.
I plan on getting a wonderful-for-me next time.
Others have to look after their own reactions.
Making "unwise" choices and being afraid to repeat the same pattern is part of our life lessons I´m afraid.
However, first we need to heal our own demons so that we can attract different kinds of people in our life.
e.g. if we have "abandonment" issues, we will keep attracting others who will reflect this to us.
If we´re putting ourselves in the role of "victim", we will keep attracting rescuers and vice versa.
I think I may have had 'I can fix this' issues when it came to men
Which reverts back to what you suggest, that I really needed to fix me
Not any more.
They either fix themselves, or they stay unfixed, far away from me
Dare to venture?
We have to presume things won't get fixed, so if issues we cannot deal with exist, then it is better to not start the relationship in the first place.
I think I could stay with that beard for a while though
Good to know you can handle a beard.. even if for while..
...oh and I agree with the last line..
it's food for thought
I agree with this line: On the other hand, a relationally self-aware person might say something like, "It wasn't the right time for us," or "It was painful, but I learned from the experience." It shows a positive attitude and should probably be the way we carry ourselves should we face such unfortunate circumstances.
Seeing how people deal with others such as waiters and road users is a very good way of learning about the type of person you're with.. and even learning about what type or person you are.. just need to pay more attention with the latter.
Another way to learn would be to watch successful couples closely and learn from them. I guess its different for everyone.. personally I learn much quicker and better by observing people. Obviously you would need to be lucky enough to have someone like that around in your life though.
Just a better version of ourselves
But in a relationship, other people depend on you being that better person as well, so it is even more of a priority
I never blame my ex-s for my frustrations, I'm quick to forgive and forget, all I know is that I'm a happy person and would love to be with someone who's happy and has no emotional/mental/physical/spiritual baggage
I haven't been with a bad guy for any length of time. The reason why things didn't work out were differences in what we wanted for the future - I learned how important it is to find someone that simply want similar things and I have things and values in common with.
What astounds me is how unrealistic some people are with what they have to offer. Thinking that someone is a desirable price everyone is waiting/salivating is usually just the opposite.
Be honest and realistic with yourself and others, that gives everyone the biggest chance of meeting someone and make it work for them.
They have to take personal responsibility, as well as you, for any part they had to play in the downfall of the relationship.
I do see a connecting between this and the bitterness/hate some people spew.
As long as this is the case, nothing in their life will change for the better.
Yes, they took responsibility for their part...no grudges from both sides, just the way I want it.
Just like what KN said, be realistic....that's what I'm doing, knowing myself and the person I,m going out with helps a lot, I weigh the pros and cons...if it's a win/win then good...but if not and the the difference is far too obvious then I won't bother putting any effort in it...
As for the self awareness you mentioned,I m not fond of those who get all worked up over the little things,because I d hate to imagine what they d be like over the big things,