The "I" In Pride
A dear friend of mine inspired me to write this note. I received an email this morning that reminded me of my own experience and ongoing struggle. I had read so much about God's grace, and i had to be honest with God, i didn't quiet understand the whole concept of grace. I knew it was important because i'd read so much about it, but it was obvious i was missing something. I prayed and asked God to help me gain a better understanding.God kicked off my lesson in grace a few days later. I was complaining to God about how i always mess up, and that it feels like no matter what i do, what i read, what i hear, what i learn; i always say, do or think something wrong. I always fail. I always fall. I always sin.
I was acting like the victim in this thing called life, and i pointed my finger at God and demanded, "Why is life so difficult?" "It's just too easy to live in the flesh!"
I had an idea of where i wanted to be, and no matter how i grew, it feels like i always fell short. The person i wanted to be doesn't put her foot in her mouth. The person i wanted to be doesn't have insecurities. The person i wanted to be doesn't lie, manipulate, gossip, judge, lust, abuse alcohol, smoke like a chimney, blah, blah, blah.
The person i wanted to be was PERFECT.
And that's when God pulled a fast one on me. He uncovered my "I'm the victim attitude" and exposed it for what it really was: pride. I wasn't where i thought i should be and i was upset and disappointed with myself: pride. I couldn't accept the fact that i was flawed in so many ways: pride. I didn't want others to know my struggles and watch me stumble and fall: pride. My little pity party was boiling over the flame called pride.
And after God nicely humbled me, He gave me a smile and said gently, "That's why you need My grace."
What i realised is that i didn't want to accept God's grace because my pride was telling me that i should be something that i was not.
But i am a girl that says things that i later regret. I am a girl who can shoot 5 tequilla shots in a row and humiliate myself and my friends. I am a girl who has to fight with feelings of insecurity and inferiority. I am a girl who has to stop herself from judging the actions and decisions of others while my own actions and decisions are disturbing itself. I am a girl who's stuck in the middle of a battle between her own will and the will of the Holy Spirit.
I am not perfect, i never will be. I will fall on a daily basis and those around me will see it. I can't put on a show for others or for me. Accepting God's grace frees me from being hard on myself. I am not loved because i try to be the best Christian girl possible. I am loved because God created me and He chooses to love me. There is nothing that i can do to make Him love me more or less. I am free to be me, imperfect in my eyes and in the eyes of others, but loved by God and a God's girl in His eyes. I will make mistakes, and i won't use those mistakes to justify playing the victim role because God gave me free will to make my own choices.
"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (2 Corinthians 12:9)
Thank You, God, for Your grace. Help us to see the beauty in holes of our weakness, for that is where Your glory shines through. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.
~ Shana ~