Explaining myself - an entry directed outward

Perhaps, if despite having a degree in English, my words are totally incomprehensible, you are applying the wrong yardstick.

This is a blog.

Where I examine the elements of my days, my feelings, my pains and joys and currently some of my frustrations at a piece of work not doing what I had intended. I work through my feelings and my issues and face the fact that as a perfectionist I court pain actively.

I also spit out the things I have been exposed to that irritate or captivated me and these things will be in context for me and nobody else.

I felt swamped, lost and alone this morning. The letter in my mailbox that doesn't understand a thing I write has cut me to the quick and the tears are real, not virtual this time because then I was writing what was in my head and now I am writing something that I know someone else holds to be true. I do not connect.

This does not change the fact that this blog is a deeply personal experience and as such may not be totally accessible to others.

I have never felt more lonely in my life than I do right now.

Post script:(about an hour later)

This totally out-of-character reaction made me sit and think once the storm of emotion settled. Why, what, when how did what others think start to matter to me? What has changed? I have been taking a new herbal supplement to reset balance in some area of my health. About a week, just long enough for a healing crisis to kick in or for adverse effects to start showing up. Very cool. So I will observe my newly emotionally volatile self over the next 48 hours to be sure it is healing and not adverse and then move on.

It occurs to me to wonder how James Joyce resonated for my letter writer....