Ever Been Beaten Up By A Woman?

Well, I have.

I picked her up… No! She picked me up in a pub one night. We were playing pool. We were the usual six and four wives. I was newly divorced from my second wife and our gay friend never brings his other half when we get together at a public place.

It was a Thursday in the middle of the month and the pub was empty when we walked in, except for this woman. The place had a U-shaped bar counter and she sat on the other side of it. An attractive woman and she kept on looking at me. Then she stood up, went to the toilet and while I was playing she came out at sat down on my bar stool where my jacket was hanging.

When I finished my turn I walked towards her to fetch my drink and my jacket but she stood up and sat down on the next bar stool. She was a good looking woman. Honey blond hair with a tinge of red in it, the most beautiful large blue eyes, a petite nose with a few small freckles across it, and a full mouth with very kissable lips. She was well proportioned and maybe an inch taller than I; introduced herself as Vlam which translates to Flame in English. That was when I made three mistakes in quick succession; I chatted her up, I bought her a drink and I agreed to take her home when we were done playing.

We finally left and when we were both in the car she told me it was too late for her to go home. I took her home with me. She stayed for three days, living in my track suits and feeding me with the biggest load of bullshit stories on earth. Among others she told me she was a truck driver. Yep, a truck driver! Methinks her husband was probably the truck driver.

On the Sunday morning she asked me to take her to the station. She had to go back to work; said she’d call me when she’s back again. She came back a few days later and again stayed a few. This routine was repeated four times and then the last time her visit coincided with a braai (BBQ) at my place. We were the usual crowd again. Bea was married at the time and she was also there with her husband.

At some stage Vlam cornered me and said that I pay too much attention to my friends’ wives and I told her that she’s not my steady girlfriend and if she wants to stake claims like that, she’d have to be available much more regularly. She looked at me with venom in her eyes and let fly with the fist, hitting me on the left eye. She immediately turned her back on me, bent down and covered her head with her arms.

I stood there flabbergasted. Shit, this is not happening. Did she really hit me? A woman! I felt something running down my face; when I touched it I realized it was blood. I was still too surprised to move and when she discovered that I’m not going to retaliate, she came up and hit me square on the other eye. More blood! This bìtch knew where to hit! She was getting ready to punch me again but by then my friends smothered and restrained her while I stood there bleeding like a pig.

The police came and took her away but released her the next day when I did not want to press charges. I was not going to stand in a full court telling everybody how a woman beat me up. She simply fell off the map and frankly, if I never have to see that woman again it will still be a millennium too soon.