guilty by association

This has happen twice now to me.

I want to start by saying that I believe in being an honest person. And, I will continue to be honest even though honesty don't seem to be the best policy sometimes.

I have talked with many women on this site through PM, mostly as just friends. There have been a couple who trying to become more than that, friends, have never reached a level of becoming in a relationship. So, they just remained friends.

I will not name names and will keep everything private in that regard. I do not believe in sharing private information. The information I am going to share here is just a general description of the overall event that had happen to me. It has happen twice, so I think there might be something worthy in sharing this information....either for others to learn from, or perhaps, something for me to learn.

I said it has happen twice. So, it involved me talking with two different women I found attractive at different times. I was not trying to make a relationship connection simultaneously. I don't believe in playing with women like that. But both of these instances happen on here.

I partake in a lot of blog activity and a lot of what I do is just playful banter (I would at least consider it that anyway). These two women I speak of I did meet off of the blogs here and both of them were well aware of my previous blog activity...and with whom. Both of these women, after we have had some continued deep semi-personal to personal dialogue together trying to establish and build a relationship, asked if I had any private conversations with certain other bloggers. Being the honest guy I am, I told the truth...which was yes..and I provided them with the current status of our private conversations and their overall nature....whether if it were something serious going on or just as friends. In both cases, it was just as friends private messaging and messaging that had not happen for at least 6 months.

That was all true and honest information I had provided these two ladies. However, the ladies I had friends only conversations with were also attractive women. Let's face it, both men and women know if somebody is attractive or not...whether it be a man or a woman being appraised for their looks. In both cases when I was honest with these two ladies....they both convicted me of having some sort of love fest...I suppose for a lack of a better way of describing it...with these other women that they inquired about. All of my words of honesty fell on deaf ears with them, and any attempt to further along our attempt at a relationship stopped right there.

My take on this I learned this about them before getting too far involved in their lives.


Am I missing something here?


PS...I do know that some people have been cheated on in their past and they carry that with them into the next potential relationship, so they might be very sensitive when it comes to a potential partner having any sort of contact with an attractive opposite sex individual. I can understand that and sympathize with that. However, honesty is the best my opinion. Perhaps they need some additional time being single to sort out their insecurities? dunno


Am I missing something here?

Comments (172)

No not at all. We (if we are sane) do not wish to maintain relationships with people who hallucinate affairs and then act on the hallucination. It doesn't matter if the hallucination takes the form of breaking into someone's home, then telling arriving police you are the home owner's spouse and authorized to be there, or of the type that accuses you of conducting an illicit affair with so and so. Both are individuals who act irrationally based on delusional belief systems. Neither tendency does a same person wish to appear in their gene pool.


I think when someone likes someone for a possible relationship, or friendship, they must be willing to give them the benefit of any doubts. If not, if they just feel something not right about getting involved in any way with the other person, then they should follow their hunch, their feelings, their heart and not get involved.

But again, if they like the person, maybe give them a chance, the benefit of doubts. Wait and see if that person proves their assumptions right or wrong.

Keeping all this in mind, people must know they are not perfect themselves, nor is their past. They must also keep in mind they are on a dating site or in a singles bar, and chances are the person they like has had some interest from other singles, as well as the person they like having interest in the other singles too. That's why they're here, to get to know a few people, to get a feel for who might be suitable for themselves, for each other and so on.

Once, two people are in a relationship, devoted to each other, then that's a different situation. But until then, nobody owns anybody and nobody should expect anyone else to be completely innocent of flirting or devoted to only them.

Just my thoughts on this.
I have had private conversations with men on here and the question of who else we message never came up. Messaging someone does not make you that person's property. Good thing they moved on as they sound like bad news to me.
I think I'd of drawn the line with myself with it was just friendship and you had made it clear.

Any thoughts outside that is not something you can control.

P.s as a woman I know I am known to overthink things.
I don't understand why some people seem to think that certain people are like their private property.

Nope Johnny I doubt if you missed a thing.
This is one of the main reasons why I stopped all personal conversations with people from blogs and forums. All my conversations with men here were always strictly friendly, but after reading some quarrels people had on forums and blogs, I understood that some people still hoped to meet someone and find a partner here and that my "friendly correspondence" could only bring me and other people problems in the long run.

I only want to have some fun here, to have a laugh, discuss some interesting topics, share some thoughts about this or that, complain about some real life issues laugh , practise English and - in general - have some pleasant virtual place to spend some time on. So, all my virtual CS friendships ended in order to bring peace of mind to me and other people. smile

Dating sites are one thing, but blogs and forums are another. On blogs and forums people really DO make friends, they really do exchange messages and meet people simply on a friendly basis. However, they can also meet a partner and even as a couple they can continue to write and have fun online. This creates a lot of confusion.

I don't know what to tell you - to be honest. dunno People here seem to gossip too much privately and that destroys many friendships and - maybe - potential relationships. People give up on people because other people told them all sorts of things (maybe even complete lies) about them. But they think: "It's better for me to be on the safe side. What if this person is really like .... said so? I can only get hurt, be used or maybe made a fool of." and - give up. I did that, too. I got scared of this place and ran away in panic not once. laugh
rolling on the floor laughing whew,I thought you were blaming

Robert! By association.rolling on the floor laughing wave
I don't know what to tell you - to be honest. dunno People here seem to gossip too much privately and that destroys many friendships and - maybe - potential relationships. People give up on people because other people told them all sorts of things (maybe even complete lies) about them. But they think: "It's better for me to be on the safe side. What if this person is really like .... said so? I can only get hurt, be used or maybe made a fool of." and - give up.

Mariana I totally agree with what you posted here and have had something like you described here in regards to people gossiping behind the scenes about whomever they don't like without knowing anything about them.
The person who they are gossiping about may not be pretty/handsome enough so they refer to them as being ugly and that someone on this site said something negative about them.
it wasn't me

Once someone tells you something about others, you can reject it as a lie or nonsense or the wrong impression of that person, but the suspicion stays. This is the internet, we only have written words, people come from all over the world - how can we know who to trust? It makes people insecure.

For example, there are so many posts about fake profiles, people using multiple profiles, people who haven't changed their profile photos for 10+ years, moderators posing as members - both on blogs and forums. And then - you get messages from two different people and start to wonder whether they are maybe the same person. Or maybe one of them is a moderator simply checking on you to see if you aren't a scammer. All sorts of ideas start coming through your mind...

I have never received anything from people from blogs and forums that could prove their identity, apart from the first name and - maybe - a mobile phone number or some free e-mail address. On the other hand, among the men who contacted me via CS dating site (those who do not use forums and blogs and were interested in dating) there was quite a number of those who gave me the links of their (real) Facebook profiles, wanted to have a video chat and - in general - seemed more genuine than people on blogs and forums. When you add gossips to that - it's only natural for a person to become suspicious. You end up thinking that instead of talking to a single man around your age you are actually talking to someone 20+ years older, married, with 5 children, whose wife will soon start to chase you via e-mail. laugh

That indeed happens and again - you don't know who to trust. And you feel uncomfortable afterwards.

If someone comes here (on CS blogs and forums) to find a partner, then - everyone is a competition. If the person gets rejected - that can create bitter feelings and it will spread all over the place.

I've seen that happening on other forums, too.

So, for me - it's safer to stay out of that all. Have fun online on forums and blogs, but look for virtual friends or a partner elsewhere (if interested). smile
Awww! I Am So! Sorry That This Happen To You And To Those Two People.....hug

PS. Hopefully! You And The other Two People Can Still Remain Friends,

And Let It Be Water Under The Bridge!
@ Miclee

Aww! Hush.........................bouquet
Maiana I trust no one on the internet and if I was looking for someone I would do so in real time not on social media.
I also made up my mine some time ago not to carry on conversations by private mail anymore cause there isn't anything that someone can't say to me on the open faced forums/blogs they can't say to me behind the scenes.It's safer that way and out in the open.
You certainly dodge a bullet, I guess they probably would have been more happier if you lied, then you telling them the truth
No Johnny, you are not missing anything. grin
yes honesty is the best policy ,but also people have a right to privacy, not just yours but the other people you are mentioning. I would never tell another who i talked to, because it is for the privacy of the other person.
I think you were too open and honest, Johnny.
If they were just friends and it was said so from the get go, then why should it bother them who you message....sometimes keep things close to your chest until there is some form of a relationship formed is the way to go.

Its frustrating though as like me im honest to a fault and its hard to go against your nature.
If they gossip about me they're leaving some other poor bastard alone.

I don't give two shit's about internet gossip and shit.
What is the big deal with talking to other women? I mean you are not in an exclusive relationship with either of these two women. Think of it as you dodged a bullet, clearly they are insecure and have issues, best you discovered that now rather than later. They need therapy, you need to keep on walking. dancing
Johnny, some a woman always find something for you guilty to be, and not will rest, and until she go so far and look in your mobile phone. laugh
Thanks all for the thoughtful comments. I promise to respond as soon as I can.

Ash....where the hell are you going here? laugh
Robert, Heff had a secretary named Mary who kept all the photo ops ,etc.
I'm sure as long as she worked for him
there must be a book in the making.

Memo to:Secretary Robert
From: Roaming Reporter Ashlander

wink not a bad job at all.
Nice Keepers.

Thank you Ken for confirmation for what seems to be the right ending of the situations.
Robert, very sound thought and point of view. That does make sense to me. Thanks for sharing. My next blog will be titled: Guilty by Association II, it is all about you being me. Hell, your response here on my blog even sounds like something I would write. laugh

Thanks Ek. I do agree. It was better to find out sooner rather than later with their insecurities. are exactly right about being out of my control. I believe people should genuinely be who they are. If they are in a way that crosses one of my boundaries, it is nice to talk to them and be honest about it. However, if the boundary is still being crossed. I will kindly decide to leave.
Bear, I do agree. If a person wants a partner to stay with them, then be a person who your partner wants to stay with. Communications is critical in my is honesty with it.

Thank you.
Maya, so you just communicate in private with people strictly as friends? I would have for sure thought that an attractive woman such as yourself would have been just a big flirt. tongue Just teasing, I have had private conversations with you and I know that you are just on a friends basis only.

Also, I totally agree with you with gossip behind the scenes. Robert and I are suppose to be the same person you know?

Thanks Maya.
Ash, next blog has Robert's name on it. laugh
Palm, you are anyway. laugh tongue
Pepps, thank you....and it really was no issue. I have learned earlier in my life to watch out about becoming too emotionally involved with anyone....too soon.

It really was no big deal. But, I thought there was some sort of something to be learned out of it.

I know that sounds kinda coldish....but we are living in a different world than we were 20+ years ago when love really did exist. laugh
Packerfan....that is interesting if I would have lied to them. I wonder if they would have found something else to have an issue with? laugh
Ash, you are starting to sound like a woman hater. laugh
Thanks Usha. I think that is the first comment you have made on my blog that did not involve a s*xual innuendo. thumbs up laugh
Mar, you might be on to something there. Maybe the proper thing to tell them was it is not any of their business. dunno

Thanks Mar
Sla....honestly, I really did not mind letting the know. Can you imagine finding out their true nature after things became committed. It could have been a lot of wasted time and whatever else.

There was no details shared about any of the conversations. I would never do that to somebody....unless the shit really hit the fan and I had to defend myself against lies...and they went public first. Then, I would consider it.

Thanks Sla.
Merc, speaking of Ash's consultants, maybe you can become a consultant for me. laugh You take no shit and you wipe no a**. rolling on the floor laughing
Sweet....kinda what I thought. I don't know about the therapy, but I think some time to hash out any problems they may have incurred from a previous relationship. It took me some years to figure out....I think....most of mine. It might have been done in half the time with a therapist though. laugh

Thanks Sweet
Goodness Ben, I am trying to have positive thoughts about women. laugh
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