Murder Rate Finally Plateaus In Chicago As Even Murderers Too Scared To Go Out At Night

CHICAGO, IL—It looked like good news for Chicago as the skyrocketing murder rate finally started to level off, but the reason for the decline turned out to be alarming: murder has gotten so bad in Chicago that now even the average murderer won’t go out at night for fear of being murdered.



“I love murder,” said local murderer Carl Gross, “but I don’t want to be murdered. It’s gotten so bad out here, though, that we regular, salt-of-the-earth murderers are being preyed upon by all the really deranged murderers who don’t follow the murderer’s code of not murdering murderers.”

Bennie Arnold, Chicago resident and occasional strangler, agreed. “I just want to strangle people,” said Arnold. “But now I’m too scared to go out at night to find victims, so I just stay home with the doors locked. I guess now I know how I made regular folk feel… which would really make me think if I weren’t a sociopath.”

Mayor Rahm Emanuel wouldn’t meet with reporters to talk about the crisis, instead releasing this statement through a locked door: “How do I know you’re really reporters and not just murderers in disguise who have come here to murder me? You’re not tricking me. I’m staying in here, safe behind this murder-proof door.”

It’s uncertain how to stop this epidemic where even murderers are getting murdered. President Donald Trump offered to deploy Space Force personnel to the scene until he learned Chicago wasn’t in space and then lost interest in the problem.

“They could try gun control,” suggested Gross. “I mean, that never worked on me—I always still got a gun and murdered people with it—but maybe they can come up with some gun control that would actually work and stop even people like me from getting a gun. Then I’d feel safer and could finally go out at night and murder people with a pipe. I love pipe murder.”



Tag - Satire

Comments (21)

Wow, what a satire that is. sad flower
I was just there two months ago and I'm sure it's worse than our own Oakland area.
I have a brother in Chicago and a brother and sister in Walnut Creek. I fly into Oakland when I visit.
Between the worse part of New York or Chicago, I'd choose to be in the former. Or even California for that matter. Walnut Creek is a nice place.
Crazyheart38
Willy,

now this is scary. There's a plan for me to go to Chicago in few months, will be doing some work there for few weeks. doh
Ading just make sure to stay away from the bad part. I can meet up with you if you like.

That'd be nice. I have a speeding ticket to take care there but my court date is in November.
Crazyheart38
Manang,

Not sure when yet, I'll know next month. My first stop will be CO, then IL...would be great to meet up, yes!laugh
Well I won't be there as I am in Oklahoma. I currently have no plans to travel until next summer. Not sure when the next Cali trip might be. There is usually a reunion there every so often as I also have a sister in Clayton, a sister in Sacramento and a step brother in San Jose.
Ading let me know. I've just been visiting relatives in the whole nation. Just been to new York and stopped by Wisconsin. Flying back to California tonight. Be in PI in November.

I'll meet up with you ading.
Let me know Willy. We can meet up for a cup of coffee.
Still_notaDoctor
Murekans,
Either really good at murdering people, or really bad at burying them.
Only murkuns? I heard Irish people are good at killing, too.
Still_notaDoctor
Only brain cells. Thanks for the history lesson though.
I guess people aren't allowed to respond satirically to satirical articles.
Of course it is allowed.
kpthatsme
I'm not so sure about a plateau.....last weekend there were 72 shootings and 13 deaths. Not so proud of the city that I love. Born and raised here. Kind of makes me sad.
If the killers all turned on each other your problem would be solved.......grin
kpthatsme
So far we're up to 19 shootings and 2 fatalities for this weekend. I often thought that if we could round them all up and shove them into Soldier Field - let them go at it and whoever was left standing - throw them into jail.
Democrat run place, a wreck, as so many others. Whole democrat state nearly bankrupt. Corruption at every level, and unsustainable government worker pensions. Corupt unions. And aweful schools. Yep, democrat social welfare policies rock.
Vierk,thumbs up thumbs up thumbs up
miclee
It's not limited to Chicago. Or the U.S.
This from London/U.K.. ..



Note - That was posted in April.
It was recently reported that the knifing/murder rate has continued to escalate significantly.

cowboy
Alex7: "I Miss You ... "(meet us in the ecards)

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