Narcissist ( Archived) (39)

jessejess47: i wouldn't read to much into yet he maybe to shy to voice what he is thinking, not everone is as outspoken as we are you know

NeWildflower: Your post immediately made me think of Toby Keith's song.. I wanna talk about me! Made me giggle.

Gosh, I have no good advice really.. except that if this is the way it has been for several weeks, then it's likely it's not going to change. Maybe he IS listening.. but damn, I'd be wanting a little feedback.. a question or two to let me know that he's not only listening but gives a crap about what I'm saying. That's just me. I hope if he's otherwise a good guy, that it works out the way you want it to.

NeWildflower: Your post immediately made me think of Toby Keith's song.. I wanna talk about me! Made me giggle.

Gosh, I have no good advice really.. except that if this is the way it has been for several weeks, then it's likely it's not going to change. Maybe he IS listening.. but damn, I'd be wanting a little feedback.. a question or two to let me know that he's not only listening but gives a crap about what I'm saying. That's just me. I hope if he's otherwise a good guy, that it works out the way you want it to.

mylifewithu: I have been talking with a man for several weeks and even met him, but there is one thing about him that keeps bugging me.
We mostly talk about him and what's going on in his life. And I discuss it with him.

When I talk about me, he quietly listens, but rarely has anything to say about it. Is he just listening, or does he have a problem talking about others?

We are still too new to each other to know for sure. I looked up narcissism, and this may be what I will find, I don't know yet.

Any suggestions for questions I might ask, or conversations I might ask to feel this situation out more would be appreciated??
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Narcissism is a pattern of selfishness and self-centeredness that, in the extreme, can be a psychological condition called narcissistic personality disorder. People with narcissistic personality disorder lack a healthy emotional core. They are driven by a moment-to-moment monitoring of their worth. Since they find it difficult to provide self-worth, they seek it from external sources. They must be "right" or the center of attention; their relationships, possessions, or careers must be "the best" and "special." As in the Greek myth of Narcissus, who fell in love with his reflection, narcissistic people are in love with their image and consequently see flaws as mortal sins.

While we can have empathy for those suffering this disorder, it can be hard to be around them. Narcissistic people tend to treat others as objects that exist to emotionally feed them. They test others with controlling, ugly behavior. Then, if their partner leaves, they conclude that the partner wasn't good enough, and seek a replacement. If their partner stays, they feel validated in their specialness, concluding: If my partner stays with me despite my hurtful behaviors, I must really be exceptional and desirable.

Some suggestions for dealing with narcissistic people:

Don't expect to change them. Individuals with this disorder rarely think they have a problem until they're on the verge of losing everything. Even then, their primary focus may be to maintain their veneer rather than to get to the root of their problem.

Play your game, not theirs. The minute you start competing, you have lost. When you're around a narcissistic person, focus on being the person you want to be and liking who you are.

Be realistic. While narcissistic people can have moments of generosity and charm, they are unaware of your needs and uninterested in meeting them. If you want support, go elsewhere.

Be honest with yourself. Sometimes we mistake a narcissistic person's certainty for strength. If you struggle with low self-esteem, being around someone who seems so confident may give you a temporary boost. In the long run, you are better off attending to the causes of your low self-image rather than catching "reflected" light - even if it means a period of loneliness.

druidess6308: I agree with this. Time will tell, Lela...but usually if something is bugging you, it's with good reason. Ask him about it upfront. Maybe he just doesn't realize you want feedback. His reaction to you telling him that this is bothering you will tell you a lot about him.

snugglysenior: I met on CS a man from Maine. We did fine in email but he wanted to talk on the phone so one night he called me. He talked about himself for an hour and a half. Never asked me anything about myself. I think a relationship is a two-way deal on everything. People don't change. There was no point in telling him what bothered me about him. The next day I told him in email that it wouldn't work out for us and he agreed.