When I gave up... (44)

Hello there guys, this is symbolistartist. I simply couldn't just sit there and see what people were posting, especially since Gilly, Amaryllis (whose words were full of wisdom and insigh) and Ven stood up for me. I was under the impression I had to wait a month if I wanted to rejoin but I'm in once more. I wish to explain.

First of all big thanks to those who have expressed some understanding and sympathy regarding the kind of person I am. It is true, it's hard for me to feel that I fit in anywhere, and as rightly pointed out artists are a funny sort who don't always get the "normal" ways. Many of us try and try but end up exhausting ourselves and feeling irredeemably different.

I had a really hard time last week after the rejection that I experienced. It took me by surprise, it was a knife in my back. I tried to divert attention from it by being active here and simply having some fun. I certainly meant no harm but some of my jokes were clumsy and for that I apologize. I did however experience rejection here as well and it was simply too much for me. I did ask Guiri on one of the thread whether I had bothered him too much but he said it was okay. Thus his reaction on the thread I had started about him came as a total surprise to me. I just couldn't handle it anymore as I felt that several men were joining up against me. Perhaps a woman who appears tough is threatening, dunno. I'm tough in some ways but in some ways I'm not, and my sensitivity is certainly an issue. I also want to have fun for real and though I feel that I'm doing fairly well in the English language it's not always easy. Let's say, it's not easy for me as a person nor in a foreign language. To all those who didn't get my attempts at being funny; I'm sorry you perceived it all as something negative. Perhaps it helps to understand that I was also going through inner turmoil because of the 100th rejection this year.

I was not trying to come onto Guiri, and in retrospect I know I should have listened to my guts. I was merely trying to do what most seem to be doing here and jokes about gender issues certainly seem to flourish.

I won't be as active as I was, that's for sure. I truly wasn't going to come back at all. However while at first I only saw rather sour comments about me (well mostly) now that I've seen some nice ones I just don't feel okay with just reading but having my hands tied. Let's just see. You're an interesting bunch and I had many fun moments here.

Hi Ven,
Thought you'd understand. I just wrote you an e-mail. But when I saw the efforts of some guys here vs rumours, well I felt bad not to be able to stand up for myself. Quite frankly; there seems to be a lot of emotional confusion going on right now. I had very deep things coming up. And it's bound to show in one way or another. I'm over the worst now though... for now that is. Will go for a walk with my cats and see "Australia" with my mom. Hugs,

hey SA ..

it's great to see you again ..

Hi Sommer,
Yes I see your point.
Yes you can call my symbol of course. I wasn't sure if I'd be let in so soon with my former name. Cheeky, but I didn't want to wait a month to get things off my chest now that I feel I got over the worst emotional turmoil. I was thrown into pretty dark depths.

I did feel that I should apologize, as it seemed very clear that I had offended some people. It was hinted that I was overbearing and stuff... no it's no fun to hear and sometimes things hit a nerve or we just can't take anymore.

But it was good for me to see how this thing works. Those who have shown loyalty certainly have a special place in my heart even if this is just "the silly internet".

Hugs!

Thank you Guiri. It was all a misunderstanding and maybe a constellation of the planets and the full moon... who knows. I wish you had told me you were that bothered. I'll be more careful from now on.

Yeah I get your drift but some deeper stuff comes up at times and is hard to work through. I certainly hope I will come out stronger. Certainly a bit wiser?

and keep up the ==>


salam