It isn’t a life (20)

Well… looks like that I failed to make me understood, I’m sorry. It wasn’t about a way to die I wanted to talk to. Though I myself would rather to die painless and quickly, preferably few seconds before my alarm-clock starts to howl.

What disturbed me so much wasn’t the fact that some person died, people die in one or another way – you can’t do anything to that. And I’m completely fine in accepting my own mortality.

What disturbed me so much was the quick judgment of what was a life and what wasn’t. It felt just wrong, that’s all… Don’t know what exactly, but something felt wrong…




And one more thing felt wrong, but not that much – the fact that I kept my mouth shut. The sore reduced 1 mm during the last 4 days, 17 mm to go, so I can’t afford to make me difficult to deal with… Am I learning diplomacy? That’s very wrong…

I hope you are not learning diplomacy, for that would be a shame!

As for your basic question....yes, it feels a little trite, a little easy to sum up someone's life in the way that person did. Maybe they were in great discomfort and wished it all over, or maybe they were full of hope, thinking of good times before and looking forward to future happiness.

We are all a bit quick to judge the quality of the lives of others...myself included, I admit!

What an intriguing thought and question Tulefel and let me offer you my thoughts and hopes that your own visits to the hospital are helping you. I cannot forget our glass no bottle of wine in Gothenburg.

What is a life? One that is filled with good health, one that is filled with love, one that is filled with the sun, a child's chubby arms reaching up for you, a pair of arms around you? That is what most people (along similar lines will state)

Because that is what we perceive to be a life, filled with laughter and joy and love. When our life is ours isn't it? One not to be judged as to how we live it, how we behave and how we lead that very life.

The sentence the nurse came out with was a kneejerk reaction to a death. We all have to say something when a person dies, even if we do not know them..

My old Uncle, had polio as a child, he could walk aided, badly. But he did and he had a mouth organ that was his company, his tunes and his carer would take care of him and she stayed with him for 24 years with my dad and I as a child going in when she was not there. When he died, many locals stated he never really had a life.

He did, see. He loved his life, his Radio 4, his classical music, his silly old jokes, the crow that came for his breadcrusts every morning, the children that he would buy sweets for on their way home from school, his harmonica, his old grandfather clock that he worked on. He was alone, never married, never any children, but he had a life, a beautiful one. Isn't our life how we live it, only to have a person when we die, say 'it wasn't a life'

She may have had a life, ill health may have taken her, but she may have one.

I am not afraid to die, that does not mean I am reckless in that I don't care about my life, or that of others around me. It means that I have a life and when it is at it's end, then it will be gone, if a person wants to say about me, 'it wasn't a life' then so be it.

To me what is not a life? Not a life is one where a person does not appreciate what is around them and is swamped in bitterness and regret.

I think that "having a life", or "quality of life", has a lot to do with our need to feel useful, and/or needed, among other things.

I think people are more content if they have a function, even if that function is the acceptance of allowing others to look after them.

A purpose, or belief of a purpose in life, is absolutely necessary I think.

No "other" person, or group of people, have a right to decide a person's quality of life, or whether they even have one.

Oh, dear darling Mr Fallingman! (Sorry, that I can’t pronounce your whole title in dread of an unprovoked bum-attack…)

I’ll never learn diplomacy, I just can’t disappoint you in that way


As to your basic answer… Do you always have to be that wise and tolerant?

I have to disagree with this one… of course we cannot change what people would say after our dead, we seldom can do that when we are alive, but no one can evaluate our lives, only we ourselves. Sure we all would like to be happy, and what happiness is – that varies so much from person to person that every endeavour to force some one’s idea of happiness into our standards will just be a “testimonium paupertatis”.

I’ve also got an Uncle, he drunk awfully until he’s been 55. Then he quit. Few years after that he found a woman (he’s had few relationships before, but no one would want to settle down with an alcoholic). Some time ago he wrote me that he’s happy now, and that what he had when he drunk, it wasn’t a life. There was no regret nor bitterness in his words, he just mentioned it as a fact. I think that it’s only he who has a right to evaluate some parts of his life, no one else, as it’s only he knows what he’s talking about.

Which was my point, T. We cannot control what people say, living or dead. Second highlighted comment, no they cannot, but they do, as the nurse at your hospital did. I don't think it is meant in a bad way, I think it is a kneejerk reaction from people, like when a person here asks for prayers for a person I have never met, people respond in that thread, because they feel they should, but are they really praying each night for a person they have never met? Do I feel sad and feel I should say something? No, unless it is a person I am close to. I know this not the point of your question and I am off the central reservation here, but the comments that people come out with sometimes make me cringe. I buried my best friend yesterday, and one of the reasons, I never posted about in here, was because of the all the sympathy flooding in, people are well meaning, because it is a knee jerk reaction to sadness and death.

And your last paragraph, I completely agree with.

For you I shall make a special effort not to be either!

Such an impossible darling

Thank you all, who contributed in this thread. If I didn’t answer to some posts it’s only because I’ve agreed with the most that been said, and haven’t had much to add.

The subject wasn’t especially merry, but the life isn’t constantly joyous either, there are very uncomfortable situations (psychologically) and it isn’t always possible to walk away pretending that you are blind, deaf and dumb. It happens that some close to you person is experiencing some traumatic event, and you have to react… because you care, because you want to support and share the burden… But if you’ve never reflected on unpleasant subjects, then chances are you’ll come with the ugliest platitude ever to your own embarrassment…

This conversation helped me a lot. And I thank again all the courageous participants.