To my fellow widows and widowers... ( Archived) (51)

I have a conundrum, one I feel only those who share these shoes can understand, though others are free to express their thoughts on this as well.

I'm in contact with a man who seems to be a lot of what would be a good match for me, and who I genuinely like so far. The problem presents in an unusual manner that I never prepared for dealing with, and it caught me off guard. See, he shares the same first name as my late husband. It's not a common name like Tom, Mike or John, so I hadn't really expected this to crop up.

His response when I told him I don't think I can get past this was humorous and warm, and touched me. But I still don't know if I can get past the name. I loved my late husband deeply, as those of you who have known me the past 10 months are well aware, and my full recovery from my grief is recent.

So...should I try to get past the name and give a good man a chance? Or leave it as I said, that it just can't be? Could you get past the name so soon with someone new?

I'm truly torn here, and unsure of whether or not I can, and should try. I could throw away a perfectly good relationship over something like a name...and yet, it's significant as well. I still really associate that name with the man I loved so very much...but it's good feelings I associate with it, not negative ones like my exes.

...........Okay 'Bossy boots' ......Look at the 'Man' and what comes from his 'heart' and 'Soul'.....Nothing else should matter...........

J.D

I am not a widow but did lose a live-in love to cancer, so I can understand your dilemma. It would be difficult for me too, and it's been over 5 years. Reminders of my man come back to me when I meet a Rick....

Yep, just another militant feminist here, J.D

I think feeling that it shouldn't matter, but finding that it does, is part of the problem.

Projecting to the possible future, if I ever say, "I love you, Gene" to him, will it hurt because of the echo? And would I get over the echo, or would it always be there?

Would this put a ghost in bed with us if it goes that far?

These are the things I need to think of now so that I don't hurt a good man, and/or myself.

I am sorry for your loss.

It will take time and I understand exactly how you feel.

It has been 9 years since I lost my husband and everytime, I see or hear his name, my heart aches.

Just be honest with him, if he is a great guy, he will embrace and comfort you through your emotions. He will not be jealous.

It does get better, but honestly will be something you will always deal with in life.

May your heart go on.

Yes, that's the feeling here. I'm healed enough to move on...but am I healed enough to give someone else with the same name a chance? Will I, or would I, ever be?

And thank you, Vixen. It's why I did welcome the viewpoints of others.

hmmmmm.....I lost the love of my life and his name was John....I hear it everyday, but it still stings! But...you could be giving up on a good thing here...why not come up with a pet name or nickname..is that a corny idea?

Ive never been there Dru, but if you think he is worth it maybe pick out a love name for him and think of that as his name. If you found someone you think might even possibly be for you, I hope you get past this.

You beat me to it.