Joke of the Day (46)
AWWWWWEEEEEEE
That's cute!!!!!
That's cute!!!!!
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Funny when you tell the joke to the friends of your teenage son, using their names! They laughed so much!
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LMAO...
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I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some sticks.
Whenever I buy a DVD I have to sit through a trailer telling me not to watch pirate movies. Yet Johnny Depp stars in one and the posters all say 'Must See'. Make your minds up, Hollywood moguls.
I WAS devastated when my doctor told me that I had just a week to live.Then I remembered that I am a mayfly, and a week was equivalent to a human being living for 500 years. So I cheered up immeasurably.
WHY IS IT Tampax adverts allways show women ice-skating, dancing or playing volleyball? The only activity my missus partakes in at that time of the month is biting my head off.
WHY DON'T Health bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
SAY that slow and steady wins the race. Rubbish! I am an athletics coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I find the best tactic by far is to go as quickly as possible.
My government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up.
Disney World - Where the magic never ends' or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
I was married to a Foriegn lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!' Funny, but the poor guy's face told a different story.
You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips...' wrote the Righteous Brothers in their 1964 hit. Well, to be fair, in order to see that your bird's not closing her eyes when you're kissing with her you would have to have your eyes open as well. It sounds to me like they've both 'lost that lovin' feeling.' I reckon the relationship is dead in the water and they should end it now before they both get hurt.
'An apple a day keeps the doctor away' according to the old maxim.
Well, I'm married to a GP and no matter how many apples I eat the
woman keeps coming home.
Whenever I buy a DVD I have to sit through a trailer telling me not to watch pirate movies. Yet Johnny Depp stars in one and the posters all say 'Must See'. Make your minds up, Hollywood moguls.
I WAS devastated when my doctor told me that I had just a week to live.Then I remembered that I am a mayfly, and a week was equivalent to a human being living for 500 years. So I cheered up immeasurably.
WHY IS IT Tampax adverts allways show women ice-skating, dancing or playing volleyball? The only activity my missus partakes in at that time of the month is biting my head off.
WHY DON'T Health bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
SAY that slow and steady wins the race. Rubbish! I am an athletics coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I find the best tactic by far is to go as quickly as possible.
My government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up.
Disney World - Where the magic never ends' or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
I was married to a Foriegn lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!' Funny, but the poor guy's face told a different story.
You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips...' wrote the Righteous Brothers in their 1964 hit. Well, to be fair, in order to see that your bird's not closing her eyes when you're kissing with her you would have to have your eyes open as well. It sounds to me like they've both 'lost that lovin' feeling.' I reckon the relationship is dead in the water and they should end it now before they both get hurt.
'An apple a day keeps the doctor away' according to the old maxim.
Well, I'm married to a GP and no matter how many apples I eat the
woman keeps coming home.
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OH!!!! GAZ!!!
welcome back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
welcome back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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this place's loads better than the last time i was on! 10/10 to all concerned.Italian Honeymoon
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride
Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in New York to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa?
Luigi said, Everytinga wasa perfecto except for da traina ride down.
Whata you mean, Luigi? Asked Giovanni.
Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station.
My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food.
She broughta vino, some nice cigars for me, and we
were looking a forward to da trip.
Everytinga wasa Okey Dokey until we getta hungry and open upa da
luncha basket.
The conductore come a by, waga hisa finger at us anda say, "no eat
in disa car.
Musta use a dining car."
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga lunch and start to open a bottle of nice a vino.
Conductore walka by again, waga hisa finger and say,
"No drinka in disa car Musta use a club a car."
So, we go to club car.
While drinkina vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar.
"No smokina disa car. Musta go to smokina car."
We go to smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed.
We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka
through da hall shouting at da top of hisa voice,
"Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!"
"Mama Mia, Nexta time, I'ma gonna take a da bus!"
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride
Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in New York to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa?
Luigi said, Everytinga wasa perfecto except for da traina ride down.
Whata you mean, Luigi? Asked Giovanni.
Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station.
My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food.
She broughta vino, some nice cigars for me, and we
were looking a forward to da trip.
Everytinga wasa Okey Dokey until we getta hungry and open upa da
luncha basket.
The conductore come a by, waga hisa finger at us anda say, "no eat
in disa car.
Musta use a dining car."
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga lunch and start to open a bottle of nice a vino.
Conductore walka by again, waga hisa finger and say,
"No drinka in disa car Musta use a club a car."
So, we go to club car.
While drinkina vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar.
"No smokina disa car. Musta go to smokina car."
We go to smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed.
We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka
through da hall shouting at da top of hisa voice,
"Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!"
"Mama Mia, Nexta time, I'ma gonna take a da bus!"
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Thanks, I needed a laugh.------ This thread is Archived ------
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.
What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning.
There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr.Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me.
I cannot be bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The pig sympathized, but said, I am so very sorry, Mr.Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray.
Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a mousetrap in the house!
There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the
sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.
The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital and she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the
farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock.
To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died.
So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.
So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember -- when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.
We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.
REMEMBER,,,,
EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY;
OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER FOR A REASON.
One of the best things to hold onto in this world is a Friend.
What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning.
There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr.Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me.
I cannot be bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The pig sympathized, but said, I am so very sorry, Mr.Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray.
Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a mousetrap in the house!
There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the
sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.
The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital and she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the
farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock.
To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died.
So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.
So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember -- when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.
We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.
REMEMBER,,,,
EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY;
OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER FOR A REASON.
One of the best things to hold onto in this world is a Friend.
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a masterpiece)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a masterpiece)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
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Yup, I grinned. Then giggled...
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Senior Moment
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.! She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three redlights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Damn, am I driving?"
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.! She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three redlights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Damn, am I driving?"
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Another Senior Moment
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She was hysterical as she explained her situation to the dispatcher:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm, Mam, an officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.", He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She was hysterical as she explained her situation to the dispatcher:
"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm, Mam, an officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.", He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
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Thank you Siren -- I love your jokes
YOU MADE MY DAY
YOU MADE MY DAY
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Thank you, nice to know I made someone's, will put another up tonight.
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Created: Sep 2006
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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says,
"We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try
their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for
stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and
along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first
woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day
St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on, very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and slim.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained
to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"