Joke of the Day (27)

A man is doing press ups in the park,when a drunk walks past.

he returns doubled up in laughter and says sorry mate but your girlfriends gone home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On for Today:-

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be five cents."
"Five cents?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"Two cents," the barman replied.
"Two cents?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."


KK

best joke ive read in yrs tell me more

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home. The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away and the same thing happened. He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a 150 miles away, turn right then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached an area he'd never seen before and dropped the cat there.. Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jenny, is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated, the man said, "Put that damn cat on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions back!

Got to keep them coming:-


Teacher: "Michael, if you were on a date - having dinner with a nice
young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What
about you Peter, how would you say it?"

Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll
be right back."

Teacher: "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word
bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your
brain for once and show us your good manners?"

Little Johnny: "I would say, Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine...whom I
hope you'll get to meet after dinner...."

The teacher fainted.


KK

javascript:emot('');

A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.
What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning.
There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr.Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me.
I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The pig sympathized, but said, I am so very sorry, Mr.Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray.
Be assured you are in my prayers."

The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a mousetrap in the house!
There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the
sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.
The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital and she returned home with a fever.

Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the
farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.

But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock.

To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.

The farmer's wife did not get well; she died.

So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.

The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember -- when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.

We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.

REMEMBER,,,,

EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY;

OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER FOR A REASON.

One of the best things to hold onto in this world is a Friend.

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)



(its a real treat)



(a masterpiece)


(wait for it)







The bank manager looks back at her and says...










"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."



(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)


Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

Wife says to her husband that they could not afford beer anymore and he would have to give it up.

Then the husband caught the wife spending £43 on makeup.

He asked why he had to give something up and she did not.

She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for him.

He said that was what the beer was for.

The divorce becomes final in a few months!

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains.

To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. But no one wanted to room with Dave because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the Whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Dave and comes to breakfast the
next Morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Dave snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different deputy's turn.
In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all
blood-shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Dave shakes the roof. I watched him all
night."

The third night was Bob's turn.
Bob was a big burly bus driver; a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy
tailed.
"Good morning." They couldn't believe it!
They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Dave into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

KK