WHat say Ye?? ( Archived) (7)

Aug 20, 2010 9:45 AM CST WHat say Ye??
HJFinAZ
HJFinAZHJFinAZSun CIty, Arizona USA870 Threads 1 Polls 17,068 Posts
Honesty in Relationships


We can be honest and direct about our boundaries in our relationships and about of a particular relationship.

Perhaps no area of our life reflects our uniqueness and individuality in our recovery more than our relationships. Some of us are in committed relationships. Some of us are dating. Some of us are living with someone. Some of us wish we were dating. Some of us wish we were in a committed relationship. Some of us get into new relationships in recovery. Some of us stay in the relationship we were in before we began or recovery.

We have other relationships too. We have friendships. Relationships with children, with parents, with extended family. We have professional relationships--relationships with people on the job.

We need to be able to be direct and honest in our relationships. One area we can be honest and direct about is the parameters of our relationships. We can define our relationships to people, an idea written about by Charlotte Kasl and others, and we can ask them to be honest and direct about their vision of the relationship with us.

It is confusing to be in relationships and not know where we stand--whether this is on the job, in a friendship, with family members, or in a love relationship--what we want it to be. But relationships equal two people with equal rights. The other person needs to be able to define the relationship too. We have a right to know, and ask. So do they.

We can set boundaries. If someone wants a more intense relationship than we do, we can be clear and honest about what we want, about our intended level of participation. We can tell the person what to reasonably expect from us, because that's what we want to give. How the person deals with that is his/her issue. Whether or not we tell the person is ours.

We can set boundaries and define friendships when those cause confusion.

We can define relationships with children, if those relationships have gotten sticky and exceeded our parameters. We need to define love relationships and what that means to each person. We have the right to ask and receive clear answers. We have the right to to make our own definitions, and have our own expectations. So does the other person.

Honesty and directness is the only policy. Sometimes we don't know what we want in a relationship. Sometimes the other person doesn't know. But the sooner we can define a relationship, with the other persons help, the sooner we can decide on an appropriate course of conduct for ourselves.

The clearer we can become on defining our relationships, the more we can take care of ourselves in that relationship. We have the right to our boundaries, wants, and needs. So does the other person. We cannot force another person to be in a relationship or to participate at a level we desire if he/she does not want to participate. All of us have a right not to be forced.

Information is a powerful tool, and having the information about what a particular relationship is--will empower us to take care of ourselves in it.

Relationships can take a while to form, but at some point we can reasonably expect a clear definition of what the relationship is and what the boundaries of it are. If the definitions clash, we are free to make new decisions based on appropriate information about what we need to do to take care of ourselves......

Cont.
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Aug 20, 2010 9:45 AM CST WHat say Ye??
HJFinAZ
HJFinAZHJFinAZSun CIty, Arizona USA870 Threads 1 Polls 17,068 Posts
Today, I will strive for clarity and directness in my relationships. If I now have some relationships that are murky and ill-defined, and if I have given them adequate time to form, I will begin to take action to define that relationship. God, help me let go of my fears about defining and understanding the nature of my present relationships. Guide me into clarity--clear, healthy thinking. Help me know that what I want is okay. Help me know that if I can't get from the other person, what I want is still okay, but not possible at the present time. Help me learn to not forgo what I want and need, but empower me to make appropriate, healthy choices about where to get that.
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Aug 20, 2010 10:57 AM CST WHat say Ye??
sassy49senior
sassy49seniorsassy49seniorItty Bitty, Nebraska USA274 Threads 4,632 Posts
Good morning HJ wave coffee Thank you for this informative thread. hug


I, speaking about myself only, have to be somewhat cautious in any type of relationship I find myself in. I guess most would call me the giver. Because of this I have been used and hurt and few times in the past 7 years since being alone.

I keep telling myself I will change and quit believing all the jibberish that some give me. But that is too difficult for me. I look, I listen, I believe.

Therefore if getting hurt and being used in the process, I have only myself to blame. I have stated in several threads that I truly believe there is someone out there who will love, honor and respect me and willingly to walk beside me on my final journey on this earth.teddybear

While I wait I hope to gain a few more close friends along the way.

Hope your day is as good as you want it to be. coffee typing
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Aug 20, 2010 10:57 AM CST WHat say Ye??
Laura25
Laura25Laura25Somewhere, New York USA50 Threads 6 Polls 8,178 Posts
HJFinAZ:
...

Relationships can take a while to form, but at some point we can reasonably expect a clear definition of what the relationship is and what the boundaries of it are. If the definitions clash, we are free to make new decisions based on appropriate information about what we need to do to take care of ourselves......

Cont.


handshake I agree, Pat, it does take time -- 5 emails {at the least},

don't rush to define anything upon your 2nd, people! professor
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Aug 20, 2010 5:36 PM CST WHat say Ye??
HJFinAZ
HJFinAZHJFinAZSun CIty, Arizona USA870 Threads 1 Polls 17,068 Posts
sassy49senior: Good morning HJ Thank you for this informative thread. I, speaking about myself only, have to be somewhat cautious in any type of relationship I find myself in. I guess most would call me the giver. Because of this I have been used and hurt and few times in the past 7 years since being alone.

I keep telling myself I will change and quit believing all the jibberish that some give me. But that is too difficult for me. I look, I listen, I believe.

Therefore if getting hurt and being used in the process, I have only myself to blame. I have stated in several threads that I truly believe there is someone out there who will love, honor and respect me and willingly to walk beside me on my final journey on this earth.

While I wait I hope to gain a few more close friends along the way.

Hope your day is as good as you want it to be.


And now you know why I do not want posted what was shared with you..rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
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Aug 20, 2010 5:37 PM CST WHat say Ye??
HJFinAZ
HJFinAZHJFinAZSun CIty, Arizona USA870 Threads 1 Polls 17,068 Posts
In real matters of the heart, so many have so little to say..confused

rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
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Aug 21, 2010 11:19 PM CST WHat say Ye??
sassy49senior
sassy49seniorsassy49seniorItty Bitty, Nebraska USA274 Threads 4,632 Posts
HJFinAZ: In real matters of the heart, so many have so little to say..




Is it that so many have so little to say HJ? Or possibly that we can't find many that care to listen. hug
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