does being too independant cause relationship problems? (35)

Aug 24, 2010 8:12 PM CST does being too independant cause relationship problems?
carenza
carenzacarenzanear the sea, South Holland Netherlands82 Threads 1 Polls 3,113 Posts
Today I talked to a dear friend of mine.
I have not spoken to him for almost 4 years and we were catching up on things.
I told him I ended my relationship with the father of my wee girl almost 3 years ago and since that break up, ex and I are fihting a nasty juridical battle over my girl. I told him about my worries as a single mom of a 3 year old, working fulltime and therefore not being able to meet new people, make new friends and perhaps a new partner.

He was a bit shocked to hear I'm single again and he sort of blamed me for letting this relationship end. Not in a bad sense, he just told me I was too independant to start and stay in a relationship.

Now I'm thinking....can it be possible that a person is too independant?
And am I really to blame? Is it because I'm a woman, do people have that same opinion about men?

This whole conversation confused me a bit and I can't stop thinking about it....

My friend told me that men bounce back on too independent women, because she gives a signal she doesn't need them.
I told him about my account on this site and he reviewed my profile...said the sentence 'I don't need a son to take care of' is too much negative and too scary for potential new partners.
(I don't think I will find a partner here but that's a different tale)

It's hard to explain in English, wich isn't my native language but I hope you understand what my issue is.

I do feel a bit punished for being independent....the way I have always been
My friend told me it sometimes looked I'm not so feminine in my behaviour....and that scares men too because they are in search of a woman or girl to take care of them.
Men do not say that, but it's an underlying wish, according to my friend.
What do you think?
Aug 25, 2010 6:49 AM CST does being too independant cause relationship problems?
rytcharlie
rytcharlierytcharlieprovincia di Lodi, Lombardy Italy34 Threads 2 Polls 1,412 Posts
I think you should realise that your friend is speaking from his viewpoint and for every man who wants a dependent woman, there is another who doesn't. Isn't it all about what you want and how you want your partner to be? There is no right or wrong in that.

Personally I like independent woman as finding myself the be-all and end-all of a clingy woman is stifling. So I'd be yourself and look for whatever will make you happy.

As a divorced father, I could take issue with your possessive adjective in relation to your daughter, but that's a different thread.
Aug 25, 2010 11:29 AM CST does being too independant cause relationship problems?
carenza
carenzacarenzanear the sea, South Holland Netherlands82 Threads 1 Polls 3,113 Posts
rytcharlie: I think you should realise that your friend is speaking from his viewpoint and for every man who wants a dependent woman, there is another who doesn't. Isn't it all about what you want and how you want your partner to be? There is no right or wrong in that.

Personally I like independent woman as finding myself the be-all and end-all of a clingy woman is stifling. So I'd be yourself and look for whatever will make you happy.

As a divorced father, I could take issue with your possessive adjective in relation to your daughter, but that's a different thread.


thanks rytcharlie.

I'm not going to reveal a lot about my ex partner, I wish him well but he forced me to start a juridical war on behalf of my wee girl.
In my pregnancy he texted me and wished I would miscarry.
I had a terrible pregnancy and my girl was born 10 weeks early.
Because of my medical situation (threatening stroke) I had to be transferred from the hospital in The Hague to an academic hospital in Leiden and when I phoned him to tell him that, (in the middle of the night) he wasn't there....after this ordeal I found out he was ehm....banging around with someone else at that time.
He only wants to see my wee girl because he can't stand loosing grip on my life....

Not every father is the same....there are very good fathers and very bad mothers...
but in this case I have reason to believe my girl is not safe with him...I can't tell you more.

but thanks for sharing your point of view.....you're right and I appreciate this very much
Aug 25, 2010 11:34 AM CST does being too independant cause relationship problems?
carenza
carenzacarenzanear the sea, South Holland Netherlands82 Threads 1 Polls 3,113 Posts
phoenix,

thank you too for your point of view. Much appreciated too

one thing...
Satin is fine but lace?....eh...no....put that down on experience with a painfull behind after wearing lace underwear
I won't bother you with any details

laugh

What's a frumpy cardi?
Aug 25, 2010 1:54 PM CST does being too independant cause relationship problems?
carenza
carenzacarenzanear the sea, South Holland Netherlands82 Threads 1 Polls 3,113 Posts
Phoenix:
You can talk about having a sore butt while wearing lace underwear anytime..Don't let me stop you..


I knew you would say something like that...I'm beginning to know you a bit....laugh

And for your information....I don't wear cardigans...
just little black dresses and high heels...

now I know what a cardigan means.....what does frumpy mean?
my online dictionary doesn't know the word...
Aug 25, 2010 2:05 PM CST does being too independant cause relationship problems?
tomboygirl
tomboygirltomboygirllarnaca, Larnaca Cyprus3 Threads 1,555 Posts
carenza: Today I talked to a dear friend of mine.
I have not spoken to him for almost 4 years and we were catching up on things.
I told him I ended my relationship with the father of my wee girl almost 3 years ago and since that break up, ex and I are fihting a nasty juridical battle over my girl. I told him about my worries as a single mom of a 3 year old, working fulltime and therefore not being able to meet new people, make new friends and perhaps a new partner.

He was a bit shocked to hear I'm single again and he sort of blamed me for letting this relationship end. Not in a bad sense, he just told me I was too independant to start and stay in a relationship.

Now I'm thinking....can it be possible that a person is too independant?
And am I really to blame? Is it because I'm a woman, do people have that same opinion about men?

This whole conversation confused me a bit and I can't stop thinking about it....

My friend told me that men bounce back on too independent women, because she gives a signal she doesn't need them.
I told him about my account on this site and he reviewed my profile...said the sentence 'I don't need a son to take care of' is too much negative and too scary for potential new partners.
(I don't think I will find a partner here but that's a different tale)

It's hard to explain in English, wich isn't my native language but I hope you understand what my issue is.

I do feel a bit punished for being independent....the way I have always been
My friend told me it sometimes looked I'm not so feminine in my behaviour....and that scares men too because they are in search of a woman or girl to take care of them.
Men do not say that, but it's an underlying wish, according to my friend.
What do you think?


I can see why your friend made you question yourself,whenever I experience conversations in which someone suggests I am at fault for my current life alone,I analyse and agonise for a while too.

You obviously want to do everything right by your daughter,and leave the way clear to bring a new partner into your life,or you wouldn't worry so much.
but..the way I see it,you have no choice but to become as strong and independent as you can,in order to flourish and help your daughter flourish given your current circumstances-so its not like you have any other healthy option.

As to the issue;I find more men find me initially attractive as an independent,strong persona.Confidence is attractive,and independent people often appear more confident.
Most men need some signs of emotional dependence to feel secure once in a relationship,but too much is a burden on a man,and weakening for a women-there's a ballance in everything.Once IN a relationship,a meeting in the middle,a willing to sacrifice some things,compromise and finding a way to gel,is necessary.
But while you are single,guts,strength,independence,organisation,and some fierce multi tasking,are what you need!lol
Aug 25, 2010 2:18 PM CST does being too independant cause relationship problems?
carenza
carenzacarenzanear the sea, South Holland Netherlands82 Threads 1 Polls 3,113 Posts
tomboygirl:
As to the issue;I find more men find me initially attractive as an independent,strong persona.Confidence is attractive,and independent people often appear more confident.
Most men need some signs of emotional dependence to feel secure once in a relationship,but too much is a burden on a man,and weakening for a women-there's a ballance in everything.Once IN a relationship,a meeting in the middle,a willing to sacrifice some things,compromise and finding a way to gel,is necessary.
But while you are single,guts,strength,independence,organisation,and some fierce multi tasking,are what you need!lol


thank you tomboygirl
I'll take your wise words with me.
Aug 25, 2010 7:46 PM CST does being too independant cause relationship problems?
wordsmith99
wordsmith99wordsmith99Lyon, Rhone-Alpes France2 Threads 399 Posts
Blimey, with friends like that, you don't need any more enemies, do you?!?

I haven't clue what "too independent" means. Is it even possible? (Don't think so, actually.)

But personally, I avoid people who make me feel bad about myself... and I certainly DON'T call them "friends"!

Tippex him, relegate him to outer-circle party-filler, do not ever talk to him about your private life again.

Now go find some mates who DO like you, and who make you feel GOOD about yourself.
Aug 25, 2010 9:32 PM CST does being too independant cause relationship problems?
RayfromUSA
RayfromUSARayfromUSAvienne, Rhone-Alpes France86 Threads 29 Polls 6,611 Posts
WS is right.

Never trust and "ex" to be totally objective.
Even if they are good friends there is always some lingering hostility or hurt feelings.

He chose a vulnerable moment to subtly lay the blame on you for their failed relationship. That's not really an act of friendship.

A real friend would be trying to boost your confidence, not undermine it.
Aug 25, 2010 9:42 PM CST does being too independant cause relationship problems?
RayfromUSA
RayfromUSARayfromUSAvienne, Rhone-Alpes France86 Threads 29 Polls 6,611 Posts
Having said that, there is indeed a time for a friend to lay the truth on the line and speak frankly. But an ex is never going to be fully objective even if he/she tries to be.
Aug 26, 2010 3:35 AM CST does being too independant cause relationship problems?
twinself
twinselftwinself..., Majjistral Malta36 Threads 1,347 Posts
carenza: Today I talked to a dear friend of mine.
I have not spoken to him for almost 4 years and we were catching up on things.
I told him I ended my relationship with the father of my wee girl almost 3 years ago and since that break up, ex and I are fihting a nasty juridical battle over my girl. I told him about my worries as a single mom of a 3 year old, working fulltime and therefore not being able to meet new people, make new friends and perhaps a new partner.

He was a bit shocked to hear I'm single again and he sort of blamed me for letting this relationship end. Not in a bad sense, he just told me I was too independant to start and stay in a relationship.

Now I'm thinking....can it be possible that a person is too independant?
And am I really to blame? Is it because I'm a woman, do people have that same opinion about men?

This whole conversation confused me a bit and I can't stop thinking about it....

My friend told me that men bounce back on too independent women, because she gives a signal she doesn't need them.
I told him about my account on this site and he reviewed my profile...said the sentence 'I don't need a son to take care of' is too much negative and too scary for potential new partners.
(I don't think I will find a partner here but that's a different tale)

It's hard to explain in English, wich isn't my native language but I hope you understand what my issue is.

I do feel a bit punished for being independent....the way I have always been
My friend told me it sometimes looked I'm not so feminine in my behaviour....and that scares men too because they are in search of a woman or girl to take care of them.
Men do not say that, but it's an underlying wish, according to my friend.
What do you think?


I *hear* you... if you're into them: you're clingy. If you're indepedent: you don't need them....either way they will *fly*! dunno laugh
Aug 26, 2010 5:41 AM CST does being too independant cause relationship problems?
rytcharlie
rytcharlierytcharlieprovincia di Lodi, Lombardy Italy34 Threads 2 Polls 1,412 Posts
twinself: I *hear* you... if you're into them: you're clingy. If you're indepedent: you don't need them....either way they will *fly*!


yes that's so true .. but just because being too relationshipish causes independence problems .. cheers
Aug 26, 2010 6:37 AM CST does being too independant cause relationship problems?
Phoenix
PhoenixPhoenixSarkoville, Ile-de-France France110 Threads 32 Polls 2,591 Posts
rytcharlie: yes that's so true .. but just because being too relationshipish causes independence problems ..


Nooooooooooo....You can't openly agree with a fit nublie charlie..Tell them, they have to find a happy medium..a compromise.. If you agree straight away, you'll snooker yourself at a later date...
Aug 26, 2010 9:45 AM CST does being too independant cause relationship problems?
rytcharlie
rytcharlierytcharlieprovincia di Lodi, Lombardy Italy34 Threads 2 Polls 1,412 Posts
Phoenix: Nooooooooooo....You can't openly agree with a fit nublie charlie..Tell them, they have to find a happy medium..a compromise.. If you agree straight away, you'll snooker yourself at a later date...


ow I see .. thanks for the enlightening .. but actually my parachute is too big to get snookered .. dancing
Aug 26, 2010 11:52 AM CST does being too independant cause relationship problems?
carenza
carenzacarenzanear the sea, South Holland Netherlands82 Threads 1 Polls 3,113 Posts
rytcharlie: yes that's so true .. but just because being too relationshipish causes independence problems ..


rytcharlie,

what do you mean exactly?
define being too relationshipish....

my online dictionary does'nt know the word....dunno
Aug 26, 2010 11:56 AM CST does being too independant cause relationship problems?
carenza
carenzacarenzanear the sea, South Holland Netherlands82 Threads 1 Polls 3,113 Posts
rytcharlie: ow I see .. thanks for the enlightening .. but actually my parachute is too big to get snookered ..


sorry for that too.....but now I'm really lost....


and P,

I don't understand your last post as well. what do you mean with medium and snooker?

blame it on a hard days work.....
my back aches and still not finding time to relax...
too much to be done this evening....
Aug 26, 2010 11:59 AM CST does being too independant cause relationship problems?
carenza
carenzacarenzanear the sea, South Holland Netherlands82 Threads 1 Polls 3,113 Posts
thank you twinself...

that's the way I see it too...
subconsciously I guess...

but I wasn't thinking about it too deeply untill my friend made me aware...
Aug 26, 2010 1:10 PM CST does being too independant cause relationship problems?
Phoenix
PhoenixPhoenixSarkoville, Ile-de-France France110 Threads 32 Polls 2,591 Posts
carenza: sorry for that too.....but now I'm really lost....and P,

I don't understand your last post as well. what do you mean with medium and snooker?

blame it on a hard days work.....
my back aches and still not finding time to relax...
too much to be done this evening....


A happy meduim doesn't mean a stoned fortune teller...means in this sense a meeting of minds a 50-50;60-40....Snoorker means being backed in to a corner (in this sense)...

How come you could understand Twinny but not Charlie or myself or is it a female thingy that blokes will never grasp..

I don't try to understand nubiles...I just accept them for what they are...And thats better company than blokes..I personally think there should be more women in this world and less men.. (For one it means I've less competion)
Aug 26, 2010 1:55 PM CST does being too independant cause relationship problems?
rytcharlie
rytcharlierytcharlieprovincia di Lodi, Lombardy Italy34 Threads 2 Polls 1,412 Posts
carenza: rytcharlie,

what do you mean exactly?
define being too relationshipish....

my online dictionary does'nt know the word....


you won't find the word in your dictionary because it doesnt exist
Aug 26, 2010 1:59 PM CST does being too independant cause relationship problems?
Phoenix
PhoenixPhoenixSarkoville, Ile-de-France France110 Threads 32 Polls 2,591 Posts
rytcharlie: you won't find the word in your dictionary because it doesnt exist


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by carenza (82 Threads)
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