Wanna hear a joke?? ( Archived) (14)

But first, are there any police officers in the room?

This Snail is at home one night when a Turtle breaks into her house and robs her at gunpoint. the Turtle escapes with her valubles.
the Snail calls the cops and explains what happened, they rush over.
the cops say " don't you worry mamm we'll bust this creep and lock him away, we just need you to give us an accurate discription of him.
after a pause the Snail says, "oh, I don't know it all happened so fast."

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning, "said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat
the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, recently moved to Texas. Ray has always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope." Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??"

Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Ray yells,
"AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!"


To which Bessie replies,
"Shoulda bought a hat Ray.........shoulda bought a hat."

<---a year and a half away from being DEA...but go ahead make us laugh..

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not
phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of
the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone
number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
"Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message,
the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home,
the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered
answer. Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"

"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly
apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team
just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,
"What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled
giggle, "Me."

lmao.. that was funny

OMG! They were all Funny!!!!!!

Thanx for the laughs this a.m.!!!!!!!

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer
of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with
small American flags mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had
been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood
beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."
"Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the plaque.

"Pastor, what is this?" he asked. The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a
memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear,
asked, "Which service, the 9:00 or the 10:45?"
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Two Blondes With Hammers...

Carol and Donna, were doing some carpentry work on a Habitat for Humanity house.

Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,"Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."

Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective!

They're for the other side of the house!"