Alone vs Lonelyness ( Archived) (34)

Nene is right. How long since your spouse passed away? Grief lonliness is very intense. Everything is very intenses when you are in grief. I had to let the tears flow. I had no control of them. It really cleans you out. It has been over a year and a half now. It got so bad I couldn't even see the monitor and I would be angry at myself for crying. I literally hated seeing couples. I have went to many grief share meetings. It really has helped me to deal with the intense rage at God and people. I can remembering trying to bargain with God doing the CPR with Dottie and then Rosemary. The first time felt like a knife being stuck in me. The second time it felt the knife was twisted. I couldn't look at anybody without seeing death. I thought I was the grim reaper. Kind of like the Midas touch only everything I saw was death. I had to get the plants out of the house. Just the brown on the plants was death to me. It was like the death was in me. A part of me had died inside like a cancer. It has taken a long time but the healing process has taken place. I feel lifted like a lightness. No more guilt. No more rage. No more hell. Only life.

Roy