Enabling? Or Helping?? (21)
Hey there lass 
He is mistaking your saftness for daftness,if he really wanted to change then he would have taken control of his life...sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind..
He is mistaking your saftness for daftness,if he really wanted to change then he would have taken control of his life...sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind..
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scottyburd: Hey there lass
He is mistaking your saftness for daftness,if he really wanted to change then he would have taken control of his life...sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind..
He is mistaking your saftness for daftness,if he really wanted to change then he would have taken control of his life...sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind..
Yes, I believe so.
Its difficult.
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Bodecia: Yes, I believe so.
Its difficult.
Its difficult.
It will be even more difficult the longer you let it go on..he is a grown man lass and he is responsible for his way of life..i know addictions are hard...but...we all have choices..
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Bodecia: Ok, chaps and chappesses...
I have a question for y'all..
We have a friend who used to be dependant on hard drugs but has been off them for some months now. He is a drifter, 46 years old with no fixed abode, estranged children, but basically a decent, kind hearted guy. My guy has known him for some years, so kind of vouched for him.
He has replaced the hard drugs with alcohol and weed, although he still "functions" to a certain extent on a day to day basis.
We agreed to let him stay in our back yard caravan rent free, in return for helping around the place and generally watching our property if we were not around, due to former problems with neighbors. We thought this would be a great opportunity for him to get his life together, do some honest work and get balanced.
However, it is becoming an untenable situation, as he wanders in any time of the day or evening, disturbs our peace, uses us as "shrinks" as he says he has no-one else to turn to.
I am wondering if we are doing the right thing for him, or not. By allowing him his own space, and a fixed place to live we thought we were helping; but it is becoming more of a place to "enable" him, to allow him to party and have no real rules.
We are both kind-hearted folk, who would give anyone our last dime, but we both have an uncomfortable feeling now that we are doing more harm than good.
I feel the only real way for him to get real is to get "official" help, but unless he wants that himself, no-one else can do it for him.
What do you think? Curious as to your opinions. Are we making him worse or are we doing the right thing?
Actually you are just enabling him in his Addiction!I have a question for y'all..
We have a friend who used to be dependant on hard drugs but has been off them for some months now. He is a drifter, 46 years old with no fixed abode, estranged children, but basically a decent, kind hearted guy. My guy has known him for some years, so kind of vouched for him.
He has replaced the hard drugs with alcohol and weed, although he still "functions" to a certain extent on a day to day basis.
We agreed to let him stay in our back yard caravan rent free, in return for helping around the place and generally watching our property if we were not around, due to former problems with neighbors. We thought this would be a great opportunity for him to get his life together, do some honest work and get balanced.
However, it is becoming an untenable situation, as he wanders in any time of the day or evening, disturbs our peace, uses us as "shrinks" as he says he has no-one else to turn to.
I am wondering if we are doing the right thing for him, or not. By allowing him his own space, and a fixed place to live we thought we were helping; but it is becoming more of a place to "enable" him, to allow him to party and have no real rules.
We are both kind-hearted folk, who would give anyone our last dime, but we both have an uncomfortable feeling now that we are doing more harm than good.
I feel the only real way for him to get real is to get "official" help, but unless he wants that himself, no-one else can do it for him.
What do you think? Curious as to your opinions. Are we making him worse or are we doing the right thing?
Doesn't really matter what he's getting high on,the fact is that he is still addicted as ever!
Saying goes,that People like him don't have Relationships,They take Hostages!
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Bodecia: Ok, chaps and chappesses...
I have a question for y'all..
We have a friend who used to be dependant on hard drugs but has been off them for some months now. He is a drifter, 46 years old with no fixed abode, estranged children, but basically a decent, kind hearted guy. My guy has known him for some years, so kind of vouched for him.
He has replaced the hard drugs with alcohol and weed, although he still "functions" to a certain extent on a day to day basis.
We agreed to let him stay in our back yard caravan rent free, in return for helping around the place and generally watching our property if we were not around, due to former problems with neighbors. We thought this would be a great opportunity for him to get his life together, do some honest work and get balanced.
However, it is becoming an untenable situation, as he wanders in any time of the day or evening, disturbs our peace, uses us as "shrinks" as he says he has no-one else to turn to.
I am wondering if we are doing the right thing for him, or not. By allowing him his own space, and a fixed place to live we thought we were helping; but it is becoming more of a place to "enable" him, to allow him to party and have no real rules.
We are both kind-hearted folk, who would give anyone our last dime, but we both have an uncomfortable feeling now that we are doing more harm than good.
I feel the only real way for him to get real is to get "official" help, but unless he wants that himself, no-one else can do it for him.
What do you think? Curious as to your opinions. Are we making him worse or are we doing the right thing?
I would tell him that if he would like to continue living there he has to stop coming into the house at all hours of the day and night.I have a question for y'all..
We have a friend who used to be dependant on hard drugs but has been off them for some months now. He is a drifter, 46 years old with no fixed abode, estranged children, but basically a decent, kind hearted guy. My guy has known him for some years, so kind of vouched for him.
He has replaced the hard drugs with alcohol and weed, although he still "functions" to a certain extent on a day to day basis.
We agreed to let him stay in our back yard caravan rent free, in return for helping around the place and generally watching our property if we were not around, due to former problems with neighbors. We thought this would be a great opportunity for him to get his life together, do some honest work and get balanced.
However, it is becoming an untenable situation, as he wanders in any time of the day or evening, disturbs our peace, uses us as "shrinks" as he says he has no-one else to turn to.
I am wondering if we are doing the right thing for him, or not. By allowing him his own space, and a fixed place to live we thought we were helping; but it is becoming more of a place to "enable" him, to allow him to party and have no real rules.
We are both kind-hearted folk, who would give anyone our last dime, but we both have an uncomfortable feeling now that we are doing more harm than good.
I feel the only real way for him to get real is to get "official" help, but unless he wants that himself, no-one else can do it for him.
What do you think? Curious as to your opinions. Are we making him worse or are we doing the right thing?
I would also tell him to get on medicaid (free health care) and seek out a professional councellor because you two are not mental health workers.
Just let him know you two want to help him but he also needs to help himself to get well and not overstep his boundaries while he is living there..
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Swissblueeyes: I would tell him that if he would like to continue living there he has to stop coming into the house at all hours of the day and night.
I would also tell him to get on medicaid (free health care) and seek out a professional councellor because you two are not mental health workers.
Just let him know you two want to help him but he also needs to help himself to get well and not overstep his boundaries while he is living there..
p.s. it would be a good idea to tell him he also has to show proof of getting himself off drugs.I would also tell him to get on medicaid (free health care) and seek out a professional councellor because you two are not mental health workers.
Just let him know you two want to help him but he also needs to help himself to get well and not overstep his boundaries while he is living there..
He also should have a time frame of expected progress and be told about it..I wouldnt keep him there for years, then it would be enabling him..
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Conrad73: Actually you are just enabling him in his Addiction!
Doesn't really matter what he's getting high on,the fact is that he is still addicted as ever!Saying goes,that People like him don't have Relationships,They take Hostages!
Doesn't really matter what he's getting high on,the fact is that he is still addicted as ever!Saying goes,that People like him don't have Relationships,They take Hostages!
Very true. And it seems like there are ALWAYS Hostages to be taken somewhere. Kindhearted people that are taken advantage of. Sad as it seems, some people are able to go through their entire lives like this.
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hello bodecia,
you are helping him without any doubts as the action you did will be always right regardless its effect..
as the effect of this good action depends upon the person the action is directed to...there are persons unable to conduct what we call a "normal life" due to some events in their life or just to their personality...
unless a person wants to understand and, conseguently change their behaviour, there is not much to do from the "outside"...
you are helping him without any doubts as the action you did will be always right regardless its effect..
as the effect of this good action depends upon the person the action is directed to...there are persons unable to conduct what we call a "normal life" due to some events in their life or just to their personality...
unless a person wants to understand and, conseguently change their behaviour, there is not much to do from the "outside"...
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I've had a wee think about this.
What you thought was, he gets a roof over his head and a step up the ladder to taking control over his life, you two get a couple of chores done and that warm fuzzy feeling you get from doing the right thing, yeah?
Your mistake was thinking that by your standards and societies standards you were more in control of your lives than he was in control of his own. Actually, having substance misuse issues involves a lot of self and other control simply to keep the supply and some of that control can be really rather subtle.
What's happened is that his level of control has overwhelmed yours.
Its not about whether your helping, or enabling. Its about him having too much control and you too little. You're out of balance.
If he were getting quietly sozzled, but respecting your boundaries, you'd probably just think that he'll sort himself out if and when, but its not your business to interfere.
You need to take control back over your own lives. You need to assert your boundaries, you need to tell him you both need more personal space. If he continues to disrespect your boundaries, you need to ask him to leave.
Its about the effect he is having on you, not about the effect you are having on him.
What you thought was, he gets a roof over his head and a step up the ladder to taking control over his life, you two get a couple of chores done and that warm fuzzy feeling you get from doing the right thing, yeah?
Your mistake was thinking that by your standards and societies standards you were more in control of your lives than he was in control of his own. Actually, having substance misuse issues involves a lot of self and other control simply to keep the supply and some of that control can be really rather subtle.
What's happened is that his level of control has overwhelmed yours.
Its not about whether your helping, or enabling. Its about him having too much control and you too little. You're out of balance.
If he were getting quietly sozzled, but respecting your boundaries, you'd probably just think that he'll sort himself out if and when, but its not your business to interfere.
You need to take control back over your own lives. You need to assert your boundaries, you need to tell him you both need more personal space. If he continues to disrespect your boundaries, you need to ask him to leave.
Its about the effect he is having on you, not about the effect you are having on him.
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there are rules everywhere, even if they are not written down at times. he should know this. he is taking you for granted and knows you are too kindhearted to chase him out. write down your house rules and give them to him when he is sober.
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Conrtefad73: Actually you are just enabling him in his Addiction!
Doesn't really matter what he's getting high on,the fact is that he is still addicted as ever!Saying goes,that People like him don't have Relationships,They take Hostages!
Doesn't really matter what he's getting high on,the fact is that he is still addicted as ever!Saying goes,that People like him don't have Relationships,They take Hostages!
SEE MINDFFUL GIGGLE
SEE MINDFFUL HUSH HER MOUTH
how grateful am i to not be living half a life
grateful grateful grateful
in response to the OP
i think its so sad when people "give something up" and dont end up
happy joyous and free
just so sad
missing the mark just to hold on to a substance or behavior that assists them in not having to feel their feelings
its just such a waste
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mindfful: SEE MINDFFUL GIGGLE
SEE MINDFFUL HUSH HER MOUTH how grateful am i to not be living half a life
grateful grateful grateful
in response to the OP
i think its so sad when people "give something up" and dont end up
happy joyous and free
just so sad
missing the mark just to hold on to a substance or behavior that assists them in not having to feel their feelings
its just such a waste
Now what have you dood to my name?SEE MINDFFUL HUSH HER MOUTH how grateful am i to not be living half a life
grateful grateful grateful
in response to the OP
i think its so sad when people "give something up" and dont end up
happy joyous and free
just so sad
missing the mark just to hold on to a substance or behavior that assists them in not having to feel their feelings
its just such a waste
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no you are not really helping him. had a friend he belonged to AAA as long as they are down and out with no where to go and have nothing they use you just to keep going. they will have to want to turn their live around or will keep going on as long as things are going alright and have a roof over their heads. this person does need drug rehab or AAA's.you have to show tuff love in this case.
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Conrad73: Now what have you dood to my name?
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leave some crack on the table and if it disappears you will know that you're a helper and enabler 
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Yep, thanks for your responses. Pretty much what I am feeling myself now, to be honest.
These things go around and round in your head and its good to share with other, non-involved peeps.
Thank you all for taking the time to think about and post good responses.
Many thanks.
These things go around and round in your head and its good to share with other, non-involved peeps.
Thank you all for taking the time to think about and post good responses.
Many thanks.
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stringman: no you are not really helping him. had a friend he belonged to AAA as long as they are down and out with no where to go and have nothing they use you just to keep going. they will have to want to turn their live around or will keep going on as long as things are going alright and have a roof over their heads. this person does need drug rehab or AAA's.you have to show tuff love in this case.
Triple-A?
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Sorry for the delay in replying, but Ive actually just got up from recovering from a migraine, in part I think caused by this issue.
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.....another point- he can probably qualify for SSI.....encourage him to apply at the local social security office.......
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I have a question for y'all..
We have a friend who used to be dependant on hard drugs but has been off them for some months now. He is a drifter, 46 years old with no fixed abode, estranged children, but basically a decent, kind hearted guy. My guy has known him for some years, so kind of vouched for him.
He has replaced the hard drugs with alcohol and weed, although he still "functions" to a certain extent on a day to day basis.
We agreed to let him stay in our back yard caravan rent free, in return for helping around the place and generally watching our property if we were not around, due to former problems with neighbors. We thought this would be a great opportunity for him to get his life together, do some honest work and get balanced.
However, it is becoming an untenable situation, as he wanders in any time of the day or evening, disturbs our peace, uses us as "shrinks" as he says he has no-one else to turn to.
I am wondering if we are doing the right thing for him, or not. By allowing him his own space, and a fixed place to live we thought we were helping; but it is becoming more of a place to "enable" him, to allow him to party and have no real rules.
We are both kind-hearted folk, who would give anyone our last dime, but we both have an uncomfortable feeling now that we are doing more harm than good.
I feel the only real way for him to get real is to get "official" help, but unless he wants that himself, no-one else can do it for him.
What do you think? Curious as to your opinions. Are we making him worse or are we doing the right thing?