Please help me to understand (31)
islandgirl62: My ex. finally admitted to cheated on me, after he told me the marriage was over, and after he told me he was no longer going to be sharing a marital bed, why is would then use hurtful words like mentally unstable, unfit to be a mother, low life scum bag etc
If I am unfit to be a mother, and I am mentally unstable why has he left the care of the children to me. Why is it that he informs me that he is going back to Asia (where the breakdown of our marriage occured) for up to 2 weeks a time.
Is this man trying to destroy me, and if so, for what purpose. All I did was stay at home, raise our children and kept the home fires burning while allowing the freedom to go out with mates, play football, travell and eventually move to Asia. What did I do wrong....
Firstly, i am sorry your marraige ended that way.His actions could be a way of transferring his guilt,trying to justify his actions.It is not uncommom for people to do this.If I am unfit to be a mother, and I am mentally unstable why has he left the care of the children to me. Why is it that he informs me that he is going back to Asia (where the breakdown of our marriage occured) for up to 2 weeks a time.
Is this man trying to destroy me, and if so, for what purpose. All I did was stay at home, raise our children and kept the home fires burning while allowing the freedom to go out with mates, play football, travell and eventually move to Asia. What did I do wrong....
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hello islandgirl, 
sending you some cyber hugs...
to answer your question...
a man that is saying to you that the marriage is over and he wants to leave, has to somewhat "support" his decision...and degrading you belongs to the self-protecting strategy...
it really has very few to do with yourself...
don't dwell to much on it..
sending you some cyber hugs...
to answer your question...
a man that is saying to you that the marriage is over and he wants to leave, has to somewhat "support" his decision...and degrading you belongs to the self-protecting strategy...
it really has very few to do with yourself...
don't dwell to much on it..
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Nothing!
He is blaming you for his short comings. He is a man who thinks his family is less than he is. A MAN knows his family and children come first. If he wants to blame
someone, he should blame himself.
By blaming you he will fall short of the man he THINKS he is!
He is blaming you for his short comings. He is a man who thinks his family is less than he is. A MAN knows his family and children come first. If he wants to blame
someone, he should blame himself.
By blaming you he will fall short of the man he THINKS he is!
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islandgirl62: My ex. finally admitted to cheated on me, after he told me the marriage was over, and after he told me he was no longer going to be sharing a marital bed, why is would then use hurtful words like mentally unstable, unfit to be a mother, low life scum bag etc
If I am unfit to be a mother, and I am mentally unstable why has he left the care of the children to me. Why is it that he informs me that he is going back to Asia (where the breakdown of our marriage occured) for up to 2 weeks a time.
Is this man trying to destroy me, and if so, for what purpose. All I did was stay at home, raise our children and kept the home fires burning while allowing the freedom to go out with mates, play football, travell and eventually move to Asia. What did I do wrong....
If I am unfit to be a mother, and I am mentally unstable why has he left the care of the children to me. Why is it that he informs me that he is going back to Asia (where the breakdown of our marriage occured) for up to 2 weeks a time.
Is this man trying to destroy me, and if so, for what purpose. All I did was stay at home, raise our children and kept the home fires burning while allowing the freedom to go out with mates, play football, travell and eventually move to Asia. What did I do wrong....
Okay, okay, hold on a sec. Relax. Take a few deep breaths. Close your eyes and think of sweet flowers blooming in a lush garden. Forget that you are upset, and don't be.
Now then, the harsh truth: the guy's an a**hole. When he says you are unstable, or you are an unfit parent, or you are a low-life scumbag, he's doing what psychologists call "projecting." Basically that means he's attributing all his own faults to you. It's an immature, juvenile tactic: trying to shoulder all the blame for whatever happens onto you instead of himself.
So, screw him. Protect your children first, whatever he says and does, and then yourself. He wants to move to Asia? Sayonara, loser. As soon as he's out the door, get yourself a lawyer. If you and the scumbag loser jointly own any property or assets, make sure you ask the lawyer how you can have them frozen so they can't be touched without your okay.
I'm very sorry to hear of the distress you've endured. I hope someday all will prove to the best for you and your kids. Chin up, now. Be strong and be proud. You deserve only the best.
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islandgirl62: My ex. finally admitted to cheated on me, after he told me the marriage was over, and after he told me he was no longer going to be sharing a marital bed, why is would then use hurtful words like mentally unstable, unfit to be a mother, low life scum bag etc
If I am unfit to be a mother, and I am mentally unstable why has he left the care of the children to me. Why is it that he informs me that he is going back to Asia (where the breakdown of our marriage occured) for up to 2 weeks a time.
Is this man trying to destroy me, and if so, for what purpose. All I did was stay at home, raise our children and kept the home fires burning while allowing the freedom to go out with mates, play football, travell and eventually move to Asia. What did I do wrong....
If I am unfit to be a mother, and I am mentally unstable why has he left the care of the children to me. Why is it that he informs me that he is going back to Asia (where the breakdown of our marriage occured) for up to 2 weeks a time.
Is this man trying to destroy me, and if so, for what purpose. All I did was stay at home, raise our children and kept the home fires burning while allowing the freedom to go out with mates, play football, travell and eventually move to Asia. What did I do wrong....
blaming you for everything he could think of, makes him feel good about himself. what he really feels is quilt and he doesn't want to be confronted with himself.
so it's way easier to blame you.
stay proud of who you are...you made the home and raised the children, that means a lot to your children.
remain to be the rock they can hold onto to, because the waves around them are too high at this moment.
don't let him continue making you feel quilty....HE IS THE ONE WHO WALKED AWAY ....and he should be feeling quilty for what he has done.
so sorry for you....but know that this will come to an end and you will be stronger than ever.
but stay proud of who you are and what you achieved....this is the key to overcome.
best wishes...
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islandgirl62: My ex. finally admitted to cheated on me, after he told me the marriage was over, and after he told me he was no longer going to be sharing a marital bed, why is would then use hurtful words like mentally unstable, unfit to be a mother, low life scum bag etc
If I am unfit to be a mother, and I am mentally unstable why has he left the care of the children to me. Why is it that he informs me that he is going back to Asia (where the breakdown of our marriage occured) for up to 2 weeks a time.
Is this man trying to destroy me, and if so, for what purpose. All I did was stay at home, raise our children and kept the home fires burning while allowing the freedom to go out with mates, play football, travell and eventually move to Asia. What did I do wrong....
If I am unfit to be a mother, and I am mentally unstable why has he left the care of the children to me. Why is it that he informs me that he is going back to Asia (where the breakdown of our marriage occured) for up to 2 weeks a time.
Is this man trying to destroy me, and if so, for what purpose. All I did was stay at home, raise our children and kept the home fires burning while allowing the freedom to go out with mates, play football, travell and eventually move to Asia. What did I do wrong....
There are many things taking place now that it is known. You must now remember that he is not to be trusted, Look out for you and your children,,do not allow him to label you as unstable or take your children. I am sorry that you have had this happen.
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islandgirl62: My ex. finally admitted to cheated on me, after he told me the marriage was over, and after he told me he was no longer going to be sharing a marital bed, why is would then use hurtful words like mentally unstable, unfit to be a mother, low life scum bag etc
If I am unfit to be a mother, and I am mentally unstable why has he left the care of the children to me. Why is it that he informs me that he is going back to Asia (where the breakdown of our marriage occured) for up to 2 weeks a time.
Is this man trying to destroy me, and if so, for what purpose. All I did was stay at home, raise our children and kept the home fires burning while allowing the freedom to go out with mates, play football, travell and eventually move to Asia. What did I do wrong....
He is using the Old Trick!If I am unfit to be a mother, and I am mentally unstable why has he left the care of the children to me. Why is it that he informs me that he is going back to Asia (where the breakdown of our marriage occured) for up to 2 weeks a time.
Is this man trying to destroy me, and if so, for what purpose. All I did was stay at home, raise our children and kept the home fires burning while allowing the freedom to go out with mates, play football, travell and eventually move to Asia. What did I do wrong....
Being Guilty,knowing it,then pushing that Guilt on someone else!
Don't you accept no unearned Guilt!
Let him bear the Guilt!
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islandgirl62: My ex. finally admitted to cheated on me, after he told me the marriage was over, and after he told me he was no longer going to be sharing a marital bed, why is would then use hurtful words like mentally unstable, unfit to be a mother, low life scum bag etc
If I am unfit to be a mother, and I am mentally unstable why has he left the care of the children to me. Why is it that he informs me that he is going back to Asia (where the breakdown of our marriage occured) for up to 2 weeks a time.
Is this man trying to destroy me, and if so, for what purpose. All I did was stay at home, raise our children and kept the home fires burning while allowing the freedom to go out with mates, play football, travell and eventually move to Asia. What did I do wrong....
If I am unfit to be a mother, and I am mentally unstable why has he left the care of the children to me. Why is it that he informs me that he is going back to Asia (where the breakdown of our marriage occured) for up to 2 weeks a time.
Is this man trying to destroy me, and if so, for what purpose. All I did was stay at home, raise our children and kept the home fires burning while allowing the freedom to go out with mates, play football, travell and eventually move to Asia. What did I do wrong....
it's difficult to not self doubt in such sensitive areas.
but sometimes when a relationship ends, it brings out the worst in folks. is it possible that he may be using blame to excuse bad behavior?
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islandgirl62: What did I do wrong....
I think you might have married a bad person.
It happens sometimes, and generally ends poorly.
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Conrad73: He is using the Old Trick!
Being Guilty,knowing it,then pushing that Guilt on someone else!
Don't you accept no unearned Guilt!
Let him bear the Guilt!
Being Guilty,knowing it,then pushing that Guilt on someone else!
Don't you accept no unearned Guilt!
Let him bear the Guilt!
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Thank you for helping me to see clearly - I really valued all your opinions
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time4fun4u: Firstly, i am sorry your marraige ended that way.His actions could be a way of transferring his guilt,trying to justify his actions.It is not uncommom for people to do this.
sums it up,guys dont over think things,if they do they stalk,maybe kill!id just move on.------ This thread is Archived ------
Infidelity is the vehicle that is driven by selfishness and vanity.
He will only call you all those things as he is trying to make the demise of your relationship your fault to make him feel justified in his actions.
You did nothing wrong.
At the moment, you may be in a catatonic period mourning the end of your relationship and your questions will be many, but take heart that you will soon find your strength again and life will go on and a new beginning will be on the horizon.
The best revenge is to live your life well and without regret that he is no longer in your life.
He will only call you all those things as he is trying to make the demise of your relationship your fault to make him feel justified in his actions.
You did nothing wrong.
At the moment, you may be in a catatonic period mourning the end of your relationship and your questions will be many, but take heart that you will soon find your strength again and life will go on and a new beginning will be on the horizon.
The best revenge is to live your life well and without regret that he is no longer in your life.
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islandgirl62: My ex. finally admitted to cheated on me, after he told me the marriage was over, and after he told me he was no longer going to be sharing a marital bed, why is would then use hurtful words like mentally unstable, unfit to be a mother, low life scum bag etc
If I am unfit to be a mother, and I am mentally unstable why has he left the care of the children to me. Why is it that he informs me that he is going back to Asia (where the breakdown of our marriage occured) for up to 2 weeks a time.
Is this man trying to destroy me, and if so, for what purpose. All I did was stay at home, raise our children and kept the home fires burning while allowing the freedom to go out with mates, play football, travell and eventually move to Asia. What did I do wrong....
If I am unfit to be a mother, and I am mentally unstable why has he left the care of the children to me. Why is it that he informs me that he is going back to Asia (where the breakdown of our marriage occured) for up to 2 weeks a time.
Is this man trying to destroy me, and if so, for what purpose. All I did was stay at home, raise our children and kept the home fires burning while allowing the freedom to go out with mates, play football, travell and eventually move to Asia. What did I do wrong....
Yep.. I posted ,some time ago.... Girls night out.. as well as guys night out ,is a bad move ...
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Well,-none of my business really,but since you´re asking...let me ask you,-why did you "kept the home fires burning"while he was out?
Aren´t there 2 parts in a relation,sharing all burdens?
That´s what you did wrong.....submitting......and he probably tokk advantage of that....
From what you´re writing,-let´s be honest,he didn´t love you,-if he did,-he´d been with you,and not hangin´ out with his friends...
Never submit,never bow down,-make demands.....
Aren´t there 2 parts in a relation,sharing all burdens?
That´s what you did wrong.....submitting......and he probably tokk advantage of that....
From what you´re writing,-let´s be honest,he didn´t love you,-if he did,-he´d been with you,and not hangin´ out with his friends...
Never submit,never bow down,-make demands.....
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islandgirl62: Thank you for helping me to see clearly - I really valued all your opinions
It is difficult for you to see clearly at a time like this, and it is also to easy to take on the burden of guilt. Do you have a friend you can talk too, or failing that see a councellor and discuss it with them, until you can talk about the sutuation you will not be able to get it into prespective. Your GP will advise you to go for councel and it is not an acceptance of defeat but a step in the right direction.
You must seek to protect your and your childrens interests now and a councellor will be able to advise on your financial position. Good luck.
Tomcat
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Dagosto: Okay, okay, hold on a sec. Relax. Take a few deep breaths. Close your eyes and think of sweet flowers blooming in a lush garden. Forget that you are upset, and don't be.
Now then, the harsh truth: the guy's an a**hole. When he says you are unstable, or you are an unfit parent, or you are a low-life scumbag, he's doing what psychologists call "projecting." Basically that means he's attributing all his own faults to you. It's an immature, juvenile tactic: trying to shoulder all the blame for whatever happens onto you instead of himself.
So, screw him. Protect your children first, whatever he says and does, and then yourself. He wants to move to Asia? Sayonara, loser. As soon as he's out the door, get yourself a lawyer. If you and the scumbag loser jointly own any property or assets, make sure you ask the lawyer how you can have them frozen so they can't be touched without your okay.
I'm very sorry to hear of the distress you've endured. I hope someday all will prove to the best for you and your kids. Chin up, now. Be strong and be proud. You deserve only the best.
You are one smart and wise man Dag. Now then, the harsh truth: the guy's an a**hole. When he says you are unstable, or you are an unfit parent, or you are a low-life scumbag, he's doing what psychologists call "projecting." Basically that means he's attributing all his own faults to you. It's an immature, juvenile tactic: trying to shoulder all the blame for whatever happens onto you instead of himself.
So, screw him. Protect your children first, whatever he says and does, and then yourself. He wants to move to Asia? Sayonara, loser. As soon as he's out the door, get yourself a lawyer. If you and the scumbag loser jointly own any property or assets, make sure you ask the lawyer how you can have them frozen so they can't be touched without your okay.
I'm very sorry to hear of the distress you've endured. I hope someday all will prove to the best for you and your kids. Chin up, now. Be strong and be proud. You deserve only the best.
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time4fun4u: Firstly, i am sorry your marraige ended that way.His actions could be a way of transferring his guilt,trying to justify his actions.It is not uncommom for people to do this.
^ THIS
and it is very damaging as he has lived with you for years and knows your vulnerabiities
if u have a divorce lawyer, you can raise it with him/her as far as defamation
or do what I did with mine - say your piece - then ignore him forever.....and prove him wrong by just living your life day to day being the good person you are for all eyes to see
he will live to eat those words....but that is not your problem now
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Sorry I was pretty upset when I wrote that post -
My husband and I separated last year - I never moved to Asia, he did,and was while he was living in Asia, that he told me via phone from Beijing
Airport that our marriage was over. He moved to Asia with work in 2007 and moved back this year into his own place.
My husband and I separated last year - I never moved to Asia, he did,and was while he was living in Asia, that he told me via phone from Beijing
Airport that our marriage was over. He moved to Asia with work in 2007 and moved back this year into his own place.
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If I am unfit to be a mother, and I am mentally unstable why has he left the care of the children to me. Why is it that he informs me that he is going back to Asia (where the breakdown of our marriage occured) for up to 2 weeks a time.
Is this man trying to destroy me, and if so, for what purpose. All I did was stay at home, raise our children and kept the home fires burning while allowing the freedom to go out with mates, play football, travell and eventually move to Asia. What did I do wrong....