The Long Goodbye: The Never-Ending Virtual Romantic Relationship (319)
Ambrose2007: We're all familiar with Long Distance Relationships. Many of us here have enjoyed or endured them. But I'm talking about a long-distance relationship with a twist: a virtual relationship which is rarely or never consummated with in-the-flesh meeting(s).
You talk about your daily activities, exchange supportive pep-talks when things go bad or you're feeling down, help each other with problems/give advice, share your family news, speak of your dreams and aspirations...intermixed with warm expressions of affection and/or love for each other and periodic discussions about the prospects of getting together and the state of your relationship.
You're in a romantic relationship...or are you? Is it friendship? But it feels like something more.
You talk about getting together, but as the talk becomes more concrete, suddenly one or both of you get cold feet. Suddenly one or both of you feels a bit pressured. You get into an argument, and the idea of meeting is "temporarily" placed on the back burner. One partner may even seek to ban discussion of the state of your relationship and any possible future meetings. But when you object, he or she may back off from such a strong stance and hint of future possibilities. You keep getting strung along (or do the "stringing" yourself).
It's like the Never-Ending Story of Virtually Love: it seems like your story is moving forward, but somehow never quite gets there...keeps moving toward an eternally receding horizon of true love.
I used to believe this kind of "romantic" situation was rare. I'm no longer convinced that's true. In fact, I'm beginning to suspect this "virtually love" scenario is more common than I'd ever imagined. I know several people now who have gone or are going through this. I went through it myself.
Please share your own experience with being virtually in love.
Ok I'm no expert...I too know several couples that have this arrangement ,and when I was first discovering the wonders of meeting women thousands of miles away at the push of a button, I found the possiblities endless...You talk about your daily activities, exchange supportive pep-talks when things go bad or you're feeling down, help each other with problems/give advice, share your family news, speak of your dreams and aspirations...intermixed with warm expressions of affection and/or love for each other and periodic discussions about the prospects of getting together and the state of your relationship.
You're in a romantic relationship...or are you? Is it friendship? But it feels like something more.
You talk about getting together, but as the talk becomes more concrete, suddenly one or both of you get cold feet. Suddenly one or both of you feels a bit pressured. You get into an argument, and the idea of meeting is "temporarily" placed on the back burner. One partner may even seek to ban discussion of the state of your relationship and any possible future meetings. But when you object, he or she may back off from such a strong stance and hint of future possibilities. You keep getting strung along (or do the "stringing" yourself).
It's like the Never-Ending Story of Virtually Love: it seems like your story is moving forward, but somehow never quite gets there...keeps moving toward an eternally receding horizon of true love.
I used to believe this kind of "romantic" situation was rare. I'm no longer convinced that's true. In fact, I'm beginning to suspect this "virtually love" scenario is more common than I'd ever imagined. I know several people now who have gone or are going through this. I went through it myself.
Please share your own experience with being virtually in love.
but soon the novelty of it all wears out and you find you are not getting what you want or need....
I find it is going to go one of two ways ....either both remain happy with it as is ....or you HAVE to try to take the next step, or what is the sense of continuing....there has to be a common end goal that both agree with whatever that goal is.
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Ambrose2007: We're all familiar with Long Distance Relationships. Many of us here have enjoyed or endured them. But I'm talking about a long-distance relationship with a twist: a virtual relationship which is rarely or never consummated with in-the-flesh meeting(s).
You talk about your daily activities, exchange supportive pep-talks when things go bad or you're feeling down, help each other with problems/give advice, share your family news, speak of your dreams and aspirations...intermixed with warm expressions of affection and/or love for each other and periodic discussions about the prospects of getting together and the state of your relationship.
You're in a romantic relationship...or are you? Is it friendship? But it feels like something more.
You talk about getting together, but as the talk becomes more concrete, suddenly one or both of you get cold feet. Suddenly one or both of you feels a bit pressured. You get into an argument, and the idea of meeting is "temporarily" placed on the back burner. One partner may even seek to ban discussion of the state of your relationship and any possible future meetings. But when you object, he or she may back off from such a strong stance and hint of future possibilities. You keep getting strung along (or do the "stringing" yourself).
It's like the Never-Ending Story of Virtually Love: it seems like your story is moving forward, but somehow never quite gets there...keeps moving toward an eternally receding horizon of true love.
I used to believe this kind of "romantic" situation was rare. I'm no longer convinced that's true. In fact, I'm beginning to suspect this "virtually love" scenario is more common than I'd ever imagined. I know several people now who have gone or are going through this. I went through it myself.
Please share your own experience with being virtually in love.
You talk about your daily activities, exchange supportive pep-talks when things go bad or you're feeling down, help each other with problems/give advice, share your family news, speak of your dreams and aspirations...intermixed with warm expressions of affection and/or love for each other and periodic discussions about the prospects of getting together and the state of your relationship.
You're in a romantic relationship...or are you? Is it friendship? But it feels like something more.
You talk about getting together, but as the talk becomes more concrete, suddenly one or both of you get cold feet. Suddenly one or both of you feels a bit pressured. You get into an argument, and the idea of meeting is "temporarily" placed on the back burner. One partner may even seek to ban discussion of the state of your relationship and any possible future meetings. But when you object, he or she may back off from such a strong stance and hint of future possibilities. You keep getting strung along (or do the "stringing" yourself).
It's like the Never-Ending Story of Virtually Love: it seems like your story is moving forward, but somehow never quite gets there...keeps moving toward an eternally receding horizon of true love.
I used to believe this kind of "romantic" situation was rare. I'm no longer convinced that's true. In fact, I'm beginning to suspect this "virtually love" scenario is more common than I'd ever imagined. I know several people now who have gone or are going through this. I went through it myself.
Please share your own experience with being virtually in love.
IMO, it's not virtual love, it's virtual friendship. I'm smart enough to know that falling in love with words on a computer screen are just words. People are what they do, not what they say. Until you meet, share that first eye contact and spend time together it isn't love, it's friendship. Special friendship, but nonetheless, only friendship.
When it comes to meeting and one backs off it's because they never intended for it to go any further then friendship. They only way to keep a virtual friendship is to use the fluff words in hopes that the other one will fall for it.
I met a guy on here three years ago who within a couple weeks said he loved me. I was skeptical of meeting him because my antennae beeped telling me something isn't right. The first time I met him he said "if we get married". I stopped him in his tracks with that. I decided to check him out and found out why he was in a rush to get married.
There are people on CS that I love as a friend but I could never be "in love" with someone going only through the virtual world...
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Anyone I meet online and develop some sort of "intimate" relationship with, being potential romantic or friendship, I give it a small amount of time to develop. If after that amount of time, no headway is made, then I write it off. This works for me because I'm very direct and don't play games or beat around the bush. I tell the person "Hey, I like you and would like to meet up." If they are hesitant then I know there's something amiss that's deterring us from connecting.
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grizzwald: Ok I'm no expert...I too know several couples that have this arrangement ,and when I was first discovering the wonders of meeting women thousands of miles away at the push of a button, I found the possiblities endless...
but soon the novelty of it all wears out and you find you are not getting what you want or need....
I find it is going to go one of two ways ....either both remain happy with it as is ....or you HAVE to try to take the next step, or what is the sense of continuing....there has to be a common end goal that both agree with whatever that goal is.
but soon the novelty of it all wears out and you find you are not getting what you want or need....
I find it is going to go one of two ways ....either both remain happy with it as is ....or you HAVE to try to take the next step, or what is the sense of continuing....there has to be a common end goal that both agree with whatever that goal is.
Agreed, Grizzly. It is quite possible, after all, to enjoy a virtual relationship with someone as a friend. I've met several people online that I enjoy corresponding with from time to time. But there's a big difference between that and what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about a virtual relationship that has romantic overtones or explicit romantic sentiments. When a virtual relationship like this continues without any real prospects of getting together, it becomes a thing in of itself - a special kind of online relationship.
I would classify it as essentially "relationship purgatory." You're between and betwixt a real romantic relationship - stuck in a never-ending state of ambivalence. It's like a roller coaster ride without any ending.
This kind of relationship is characterized by a lack of clarity. You speak of "going...one of two ways," but this relationship is designed implicitly to avoid going in either direction - to avoid any firm decision. It's really like a greatly prolonged breakup, I think, because its demise is basically a foregone conclusion. But both parties cooperate to keep this "dead couple walking" situation going...and going...
Thanks for your thoughts, Grizz.
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In response to: We're all familiar with Long Distance Relationships. Many of us here have enjoyed or endured them. But I'm talking about a long-distance relationship with a twist: a virtual relationship which is rarely or never consummated with in-the-flesh meeting(s).
You talk about your daily activities, exchange supportive pep-talks when things go bad or you're feeling down, help each other with problems/give advice, share your family news, speak of your dreams and aspirations...intermixed with warm expressions of affection and/or love for each other and periodic discussions about the prospects of getting together and the state of your relationship.
You're in a romantic relationship...or are you? Is it friendship? But it feels like something more.
You talk about getting together, but as the talk becomes more concrete, suddenly one or both of you get cold feet. Suddenly one or both of you feels a bit pressured. You get into an argument, and the idea of meeting is "temporarily" placed on the back burner. One partner may even seek to ban discussion of the state of your relationship and any possible future meetings. But when you object, he or she may back off from such a strong stance and hint of future possibilities. You keep getting strung along (or do the "stringing" yourself).
It's like the Never-Ending Story of Virtually Love: it seems like your story is moving forward, but somehow never quite gets there...keeps moving toward an eternally receding horizon of true love.
I used to believe this kind of "romantic" situation was rare. I'm no longer convinced that's true. In fact, I'm beginning to suspect this "virtually love" scenario is more common than I'd ever imagined. I know several people now who have gone or are going through this. I went through it myself.
Please share your own experience with being virtually in love.
You talk about your daily activities, exchange supportive pep-talks when things go bad or you're feeling down, help each other with problems/give advice, share your family news, speak of your dreams and aspirations...intermixed with warm expressions of affection and/or love for each other and periodic discussions about the prospects of getting together and the state of your relationship.
You're in a romantic relationship...or are you? Is it friendship? But it feels like something more.
You talk about getting together, but as the talk becomes more concrete, suddenly one or both of you get cold feet. Suddenly one or both of you feels a bit pressured. You get into an argument, and the idea of meeting is "temporarily" placed on the back burner. One partner may even seek to ban discussion of the state of your relationship and any possible future meetings. But when you object, he or she may back off from such a strong stance and hint of future possibilities. You keep getting strung along (or do the "stringing" yourself).
It's like the Never-Ending Story of Virtually Love: it seems like your story is moving forward, but somehow never quite gets there...keeps moving toward an eternally receding horizon of true love.
I used to believe this kind of "romantic" situation was rare. I'm no longer convinced that's true. In fact, I'm beginning to suspect this "virtually love" scenario is more common than I'd ever imagined. I know several people now who have gone or are going through this. I went through it myself.
Please share your own experience with being virtually in love.
EErrrrr I hate to appear nosy, but why was he in such a rush to get married?????
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montecito: IMO, it's not virtual love, it's virtual friendship. I'm smart enough to know that falling in love with words on a computer screen are just words. People are what they do, not what they say. Until you meet, share that first eye contact and spend time together it isn't love, it's friendship. Special friendship, but nonetheless, only friendship.
When it comes to meeting and one backs off it's because they never intended for it to go any further then friendship. They only way to keep a virtual friendship is to use the fluff words in hopes that the other one will fall for it.
I met a guy on here three years ago who within a couple weeks said he loved me. I was skeptical of meeting him because my antennae beeped telling me something isn't right. The first time I met him he said "if we get married". I stopped him in his tracks with that. I decided to check him out and found out why he was in a rush to get married.
There are people on CS that I love as a friend but I could never be "in love" with someone going only through the virtual world...
When it comes to meeting and one backs off it's because they never intended for it to go any further then friendship. They only way to keep a virtual friendship is to use the fluff words in hopes that the other one will fall for it.
I met a guy on here three years ago who within a couple weeks said he loved me. I was skeptical of meeting him because my antennae beeped telling me something isn't right. The first time I met him he said "if we get married". I stopped him in his tracks with that. I decided to check him out and found out why he was in a rush to get married.
There are people on CS that I love as a friend but I could never be "in love" with someone going only through the virtual world...
Hi, C. Well, this kind of relationship is specifically categorized by both partners as being more than friendship. That's where the angst and arguments and confusion come in. There's nothing confusing about an online friendship where both parties agree that's what it is. It's when both parties (or one party) consider it to be more that the problems unique to a "virtually love" relationship come in.
I understand that you (and Nance and many others) don't feel you can develop powerful, even romantic, feelings for an online partner. This may be true for you, but it isn't for many others (including myself). Many of us have developed strong feelings - even love - for someone virtually. These are the kinds of individuals who have the potential to become trapped in a "never-ending virtually love" story.
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montecito: IMO, it's not virtual love, it's virtual friendship. I'm smart enough to know that falling in love with words on a computer screen are just words. People are what they do, not what they say. Until you meet, share that first eye contact and spend time together it isn't love, it's friendship. Special friendship, but nonetheless, only friendship.
When it comes to meeting and one backs off it's because they never intended for it to go any further then friendship. They only way to keep a virtual friendship is to use the fluff words in hopes that the other one will fall for it.
I met a guy on here three years ago who within a couple weeks said he loved me. I was skeptical of meeting him because my antennae beeped telling me something isn't right. The first time I met him he said "if we get married". I stopped him in his tracks with that. I decided to check him out and found out why he was in a rush to get married.
There are people on CS that I love as a friend but I could never be "in love" with someone going only through the virtual world...
When it comes to meeting and one backs off it's because they never intended for it to go any further then friendship. They only way to keep a virtual friendship is to use the fluff words in hopes that the other one will fall for it.
I met a guy on here three years ago who within a couple weeks said he loved me. I was skeptical of meeting him because my antennae beeped telling me something isn't right. The first time I met him he said "if we get married". I stopped him in his tracks with that. I decided to check him out and found out why he was in a rush to get married.
There are people on CS that I love as a friend but I could never be "in love" with someone going only through the virtual world...
Why was he in such a rush to get married??
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Ambrose2007: Agreed, Grizzly. It is quite possible, after all, to enjoy a virtual relationship with someone as a friend. I've met several people online that I enjoy corresponding with from time to time. But there's a big difference between that and what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about a virtual relationship that has romantic overtones or explicit romantic sentiments. When a virtual relationship like this continues without any real prospects of getting together, it becomes a thing in of itself - a special kind of online relationship.
I would classify it as essentially "relationship purgatory." You're between and betwixt a real romantic relationship - stuck in a never-ending state of ambivalence. It's like a roller coaster ride without any ending.
This kind of relationship is characterized by a lack of clarity. You speak of "going...one of two ways," but this relationship is designed implicitly to avoid going in either direction - to avoid any firm decision. It's really like a greatly prolonged breakup, I think, because its demise is basically a foregone conclusion. But both parties cooperate to keep this "dead couple walking" situation going...and going...
Thanks for your thoughts, Grizz.
the "One of two ways" was my point of view.... perhaps others see it differently , who am I to judge what others see as a REAL relationship....I'm talking about a virtual relationship that has romantic overtones or explicit romantic sentiments. When a virtual relationship like this continues without any real prospects of getting together, it becomes a thing in of itself - a special kind of online relationship.
I would classify it as essentially "relationship purgatory." You're between and betwixt a real romantic relationship - stuck in a never-ending state of ambivalence. It's like a roller coaster ride without any ending.
This kind of relationship is characterized by a lack of clarity. You speak of "going...one of two ways," but this relationship is designed implicitly to avoid going in either direction - to avoid any firm decision. It's really like a greatly prolonged breakup, I think, because its demise is basically a foregone conclusion. But both parties cooperate to keep this "dead couple walking" situation going...and going...
Thanks for your thoughts, Grizz.
I guess if it is real to them and they are perfectly happy with it then more power to them ...
But me personally ,I find it lacking if you will.
I feel you can fall in love over the net, and also love someone as you would anyone, friend or otherwise...
As they say love is blind ....so maybe it can also be without touch as well....
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tomcatwarne: Why was he in such a rush to get married??
Who's getting married?? 
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nanners2863: Anyone I meet online and develop some sort of "intimate" relationship with, being potential romantic or friendship, I give it a small amount of time to develop. If after that amount of time, no headway is made, then I write it off. This works for me because I'm very direct and don't play games or beat around the bush. I tell the person "Hey, I like you and would like to meet up." If they are hesitant then I know there's something amiss that's deterring us from connecting.
I think your approach is spot-on, Nance. The "small amount" of time seems clearly the right screening technique.
However, that can be complicated by having had an actual "in-person" romance prior to or during a virtual relationship. Those physical get-togethers, or the lingering afterglow of an intense physical relationship, can fuel, I think, a "virtually love" relationship. You keep thinking back on those times and keep hoping for their renewal.
That situation is somewhat different from relationships where the principals have never met, but I do think it is a variation of the same virtual theme.
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grizzwald: the "One of two ways" was my point of view.... perhaps others see it differently , who am I to judge what others see as a REAL relationship....I guess if it is real to them and they are perfectly happy with it then more power to them ...
But me personally ,I find it lacking if you will.I feel you can fall in love over the net, and also love someone as you would anyone, friend or otherwise...As they say love is blind ....so maybe it can also be without touch as well....
But me personally ,I find it lacking if you will.I feel you can fall in love over the net, and also love someone as you would anyone, friend or otherwise...As they say love is blind ....so maybe it can also be without touch as well....
I agree, and have personally experience that. Communication is a very, very important part of learning to love someone. It is likely the most important part, so it's hardly surprising that one can develop deep feelings, including love, for a virtual partner.
And of course if both partners in a long-distance virtual relationship are happy, then no problemo. But I know of several, including myself, who've felt very unhappy with that state of affairs, and yet have played along with it nonetheless, perhaps believing that the alternative of a breakup is worse. (And having experienced that breakup, I often find myself wishing I had allowed that unsatisfactory state of affairs to continue, simply to keep hearing her voice, to keep being involved in her life, and to have postponed or avoided the painful fallout.)
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Ambrose2007: I think your approach is spot-on, Nance. The "small amount" of time seems clearly the right screening technique.
However, that can be complicated by having had an actual "in-person" romance prior to or during a virtual relationship. Those physical get-togethers, or the lingering afterglow of an intense physical relationship, can fuel, I think, a "virtually love" relationship. You keep thinking back on those times and keep hoping for their renewal.
That situation is somewhat different from relationships where the principals have never met, but I do think it is a variation of the same virtual theme.
It would seem then that you are projecting you're past relationship experience onto you're new one in hopes of achieving the same results. This has doomed written all over it. However, that can be complicated by having had an actual "in-person" romance prior to or during a virtual relationship. Those physical get-togethers, or the lingering afterglow of an intense physical relationship, can fuel, I think, a "virtually love" relationship. You keep thinking back on those times and keep hoping for their renewal.
That situation is somewhat different from relationships where the principals have never met, but I do think it is a variation of the same virtual theme.
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tomcatwarne: EErrrrr I hate to appear nosy, but why was he in such a rush to get married?????
He had a colorful background. He was in a federal prison for 26 years and had some other experiences in government agencies that I can't go into. He was from a certain culture in New York and it was important that he appeared to have made the transition out of prison. I worked in a law office so he thought I would be a good match for his situation. He didn't treat me badly but it was a narrow escape for me to get away from him.
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nanners2863: Who's getting married??
He meant to quote Monte, I believe, N. (She was talking about discovering the true motivation for a would-be mate's rush to get married.)
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nanners2863: It would seem then that you are projecting you're past relationship experience onto you're new one in hopes of achieving the same results. This has doomed written all over it.
I'm not sure I understand you, N. Could you explain?
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Ambrose2007: He meant to quote Monte, I believe, N. (She was talking about discovering the true motivation for a would-be mate's rush to get married.)
Ohhhhhhhhhh...sorry..isn't easy being blonde 
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nanners2863: Ohhhhhhhhhh...sorry..isn't easy being blonde
I know, Nan.
Happens to me every time I wear my surfer wig or dye my hair, ya know?(Seriously, you're even smart for a brunette!
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grizzwald: the "One of two ways" was my point of view.... perhaps others see it differently , who am I to judge what others see as a REAL relationship....I guess if it is real to them and they are perfectly happy with it then more power to them ...
But me personally ,I find it lacking if you will.I feel you can fall in love over the net, and also love someone as you would anyone, friend or otherwise...As they say love is blind ....so maybe it can also be without touch as well....
But me personally ,I find it lacking if you will.I feel you can fall in love over the net, and also love someone as you would anyone, friend or otherwise...As they say love is blind ....so maybe it can also be without touch as well....
guilty of this.
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montecito: He had a colorful background. He was in a federal prison for 26 years and had some other experiences in government agencies that I can't go into. He was from a certain culture in New York and it was important that he appeared to have made the transition out of prison. I worked in a law office so he thought I would be a good match for his situation. He didn't treat me badly but it was a narrow escape for me to get away from him.
IC, a lucky escape
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You talk about your daily activities, exchange supportive pep-talks when things go bad or you're feeling down, help each other with problems/give advice, share your family news, speak of your dreams and aspirations...intermixed with warm expressions of affection and/or love for each other and periodic discussions about the prospects of getting together and the state of your relationship.
You're in a romantic relationship...or are you? Is it friendship? But it feels like something more.
You talk about getting together, but as the talk becomes more concrete, suddenly one or both of you get cold feet. Suddenly one or both of you feels a bit pressured. You get into an argument, and the idea of meeting is "temporarily" placed on the back burner. One partner may even seek to ban discussion of the state of your relationship and any possible future meetings. But when you object, he or she may back off from such a strong stance and hint of future possibilities. You keep getting strung along (or do the "stringing" yourself).
It's like the Never-Ending Story of Virtually Love: it seems like your story is moving forward, but somehow never quite gets there...keeps moving toward an eternally receding horizon of true love.
I used to believe this kind of "romantic" situation was rare. I'm no longer convinced that's true. In fact, I'm beginning to suspect this "virtually love" scenario is more common than I'd ever imagined. I know several people now who have gone or are going through this. I went through it myself.
Please share your own experience with being virtually in love.