Hope ( Archived) (106)

Hope is an addiction.

It feels so good. I want to refine it into love. Smoke myself silly. Hot knives, chasing the dragon. Play with fire. Keeping warm.

I've had some. It wasn't quality, but I don't need much. I learned early on not to be greedy.

I thought I'd found a good supply. I had some hope and I wanted to refine it into love, but I didn't know that asking for credit causes embarassment. I thought I had enough to pay for it, but I didn't. I didn't have enough.

Never mind. I'll go somewhere I can find a better supply. I'll go to the place where there's plenty of hope and maybe I'll get a good deal and I see some people are refining it into love and I think, I can do that.

And then I realised I couldn't afford it anywhere. Somebody smashed my fingers to stop me from having any hope and I realised I can't work fast enough to get enough to refine it into love. I'll work harder. The harder I work the more supple my hands will get. I'll get better. I go looking for hope.

Then someone, this someone, a dealer in hope, he offers me some quality stuff and I take it greedily. I'll work hard. I'll pay for enough hope to refine it into love. It'll feel so good. I want to smoke it, snort it, rub it on my gums, inject it. I shove my hands in my pockets so no one can see. I get lots of hope. More than I've ever had before. Almost regular and it feels so, so good.

And then he disappears. Its ok, its ok. I don't need it anyway. I'm going to get clean. I can live without hope. Its ok. I can do it. Its better to be clean. No more withdrawal. No more going without because I won't need it. That's logic. I can do it. I can do it. I didn't know I couldn't work hard enough. I'd only ever seen people with broken hands. I didn't know what it was like to have good hands, to be able to work hard enough to pay for hope, enough hope to refine it into love. I didn't know I couldn't afford to smoke it, take deep breaths of it, inject it straight into my heart, feel the warmth of it envelope me. Its ok. I'm nearly there. It'll stop hurting soon, going without. Soon. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it. Nearly there. Look I'm nearly clean. Look at me! I can do it.

And then he shows up again and he offers me some hope and I say I can't afford it, I'm going clean, I'm staying clean and he says its ok, I can have some and I can pay for it later and I take it. It feels so good. It feels so good. I love it.

Its regular again, sort of, but I know I might not be able to pay for it. I know I might get a bill I can't pay and it feels like stealing. So I say, I can't afford this and I show him my hands and he says it doesn't matter, pay him later, I'm a good customer and I take a little more.

And then he's gone. He just doesn't show up one day. I hang around and I wait for him, but he doesn't show up. The pain is getting bad after a while so I hang around waiting for him to show up. I'm hungry and on the move and I keep looking. I look a little further afield, but I can't find him. The pain starts to recede, its been a while now and I'm getting better, I'm getting clean again, I can do it. Its better to go without. Its better. I'm getting better.

I see him in the distance and I run. Run to catch up and he says, sorry I've been out of town, but I'm back now. Here have some hope and I take it with joy in my heart. I want to refine it into love. Love in my heart. I want to wallow in its richness. I want to bathe in it. Smoke it, sniff it, I want an intraveinous drip, always there and then my hands will be numb and I won't feel any pain anymore and everything will be alright and it'll be easy to work hard enough to sustain the love.

And then he's gone.

(Author Unknown)

If that were true, would it be easier?

Would we survive?

what most people need to learn in life is how to love people and use things instead of using people and loving things.

No gun? Have one of these instead --->

As Venus would say, true dat.

I don't believe in hope because it is wishful thinking and wishful thinking is a fantasy, IMO.

I prefer reality, things I can change.....things that are changeable.

Hope is one dimension. Reality is workable.....

Hoping that the X-ray doesn't show a tumor.....reality is, there might be a tumor

Hoping that he comes along someday.....reality is, it's unlikely that he will come along so no point in wishful thinking.

Hope leaves people in despair......