Getting over an ex... ( Archived) (28)

Oct 30, 2006 6:44 PM CST Getting over an ex...
How do you deal with someone who is trying to get over an ex? How do you convince them it's safe to trust you, to move on? They have openly admitted they know nothing is ever going to be right, nothing is going to be like it "was before," yet they're also admittedly reluctant to let go. Do you back off? Be patient and just let them work it out for themselves, and let the chips fall where they may, knowing the person may never be able to give their heart to anyone ever again? Give ultimatums? To what extent are you willing to put yourself in that position of vulnerabilty? Is there a right or a wrong thing to do, IYO?
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Oct 30, 2006 6:49 PM CST Getting over an ex...
Katine76
Katine76Katine76Moncton, Canada145 Threads 4,516 Posts
Personaly I think that if someone is not completly over their ex then maybe they are not quite ready to be in another relationship and work on regaining the trust and other issues that happened in their last relationship.

I don't think its fair to drag someone in a relationship if you have doubts and or fears and are not sure if you are ready or not.

Would be wise to just take time to get to know one another and be a great supporter and then who knows maybe down the road there will be closure for that person regarding their ex and they can move on.

Again that is just me.
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Oct 30, 2006 6:52 PM CST Getting over an ex...
Mitchell1
Mitchell1Mitchell1Chattanooga, USA116 Threads 5,584 Posts
That`s a tough one. I think you have to ask yourself some serious questions about where and what you want out of the relationship. And if you are willing to wait for this person to deal with whatever it is that is holding them back. Are you willing to invest the time and energy and still know that there is a chance that it will not work out for you. Or you could just rock his world and he will forget he even has something to forget. grin That`s just my two cents
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Oct 30, 2006 6:55 PM CST Getting over an ex...
Illuminate
IlluminateIlluminateKathleen, Georgia USA21 Threads 1,878 Posts
That is something that other person has to work out for themselves as no one can do it for them.....as for them being reluctant to let go...well thats more than likely them being afraid of being alone...

But that is just what they need as a remedy to heal that heartache.

Entertaining there fear only puts a person in a position to suffer the same fate as them...not to mention delaying the grieving persons ability to truly heal.

Thus allowing them to go on for the right reasons in time.yay
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Oct 30, 2006 6:56 PM CST Getting over an ex...
TabooN
TabooNTabooNClaremont, USA47 Threads 12,843 Posts
wow! good one!

While we all say noone can give thier all...

I'm not so sure.

I say this because we all go through bad times all throughout life...and, we still love. Do we love our kids, or freinds less because it's hard? no do we like everything they do? hell no, lol...

We carry ourlives with us whereever we go, yes? good, bad, whatever.
Some go through harder times...others not or might be to them, I suppose.

I feel puting something away to please another, or because they cannot deal with the horror some have been branded with is being untrue...

that make sense?

transfering the experience ONTO another isn't okay...but, we are ourselves...all of it.
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Oct 30, 2006 6:57 PM CST Getting over an ex...
nomad1956
nomad1956nomad1956somewhere, USA1 Threads 15 Posts
WEll I don't think they are ready for a relationship, like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire, back off your the one who
will get hurt. The old saying, if its meant to be, it will be
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Oct 30, 2006 7:11 PM CST Getting over an ex...
TheProfessor
TheProfessorTheProfessorPandoras Box, USA91 Threads 4,746 Posts
If they're not truely over the ex, doesn't that mean rebound by default? I don't think it's just a 'convince them it's safe to trust you' approach as much as time, in the grand scheme of things. After one is hurt, it can take quite a bit of time for them to re-trust, especially if you weren't good friends for a while before this step.

With the 'was before'.. you could say "Do you really want things as they were before, where you thought things were ok but they weren't?" Rationale and delivery will make all the difference at this point, I do believe.

If one backs off at this stage without being 100% clear as to why they are doing so, major kaboom could occur and you could lose all chance of having them as a partner as well as cause additional hurt to one that's already wounded. (from how I am understanding this)

Ultimatum doesn't help get anything done, some will meet it head on and play a game of resistance which can drive a wedge between the two that isn't repairable in any form.

As for what extent, I'm good at running head-on into things may not be the best/smartest for me to do. Having been hurt, it's a learning experience. Not the best way to learn how to handle and sort things in that respect, but it's one that's the most effective and puts all things into a new perspective as you move on and know where you need to be a bit more 'fortified' in regards to any form of a relationship.

As for right or wrong thing... right vs. wrong is complete perspective based on the morals and values of the one deciding. That is why controversial topics on CS can go down in a fiery hell and resort to flaming in a heartbeat.

My .02,

Rich
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Oct 30, 2006 7:17 PM CST Getting over an ex...
rivame
rivamerivamemelbourne, Victoria Australia54 Threads 3 Polls 4,601 Posts
It all becomes a vicious circle. You get hurt then u hurt someone else.Find friends that will help you heal and trust again.Dont look for love till your heart is ready to give love.hug
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Oct 30, 2006 7:28 PM CST Getting over an ex...
TabooN
TabooNTabooNClaremont, USA47 Threads 12,843 Posts
that's an excellent point!

giving all you have. when you're ready, your ready...

Accepting it, too. that's where the deal falls through for some...

I have never hurt someone because I was. Mostly because I know how bad it felt...

I cannot tolerate clingy folks though. Can't help it, it's just me...

I heard once that we get frustrated and angry at what we see in ourselves, or could see at some point?

not sure what I feel about that.
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Nov 2, 2006 11:22 PM CST Getting over an ex...
Sunrise
SunriseSunriseLebanon, Oregon USA14 Threads 224 Posts
I came looking for this type of thread because the man that I am interested in told me tonight that his ex wants to be closer then they are now and asked him to go to Paris with him. I didn't know what to say to him. He asked me if I jelouse of her and I told him yes and no. He asked why no and I said I think she was foolish to start with. But now that I have had a little time I feel that yes a lot stronger. I am in a different place in my life then she is and I am not sure that I can compete with someone who asks some one else to go to Paris with them. I also told him that I don't think for the most part that you can ever go back to a relationship that didn't work. He made the commit that life got in the way of the relationship and that is why it didn't work. Now I don't know what to think but I am not up for getting my heart broken again.
Dawn
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Nov 2, 2006 11:25 PM CST Getting over an ex...
AdventureBegins
AdventureBeginsAdventureBeginsZanesville, USA66 Threads 1,718 Posts
This is so well stated.

Stepping back from this person might be the best thing you could do for them.

It will let them come to grips with the EX factor and decide if the person is really an EX or they still need to go there.

AB
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Nov 2, 2006 11:53 PM CST Getting over an ex...
fireliter
fireliterfireliterAllen Park, Michigan USA502 Threads 14 Polls 5,902 Posts
I threw myself into my work and travelled for 5 years much like a nomad, Lord knows time was the only cure, that and realizing there is soo much more to my life than being someones husband. I know I'll marry again, hell, certain days I think long and hard about it. Some well intended advised me to get back in the dance. I found I could be a mean and uncaring sort, only concerned bout my own phyiscal needs, It was not the path of recovery for me. I learned all over again that I am independent, and can thrive laugh share enjoy life on my own. It was Time, to heal, time to rediscover the possibility of love again.... Yeah, time to acknowledge that recovery comes from within.... yeah ,Time was the answer for me.
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Nov 3, 2006 12:28 AM CST Getting over an ex...
Just be their friend, Dont try to convince them of nothing...If they're stuck on they're ex there is nothing you can say or do ..Just listen and be supportive.. It takes time to get over a love
and a broken heart.... Just be there for them and show them in little ways of you're love for them...... Dont overpower them with it.....
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Nov 3, 2006 12:35 AM CST Getting over an ex...
run.
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Nov 3, 2006 12:36 AM CST Getting over an ex...
YES,Yes,Yes.... What ever TabooN Sayes... Its her eye's you know...Witchy Woman that TabooN...... Damn I love them Witcky Ladies.........
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Nov 3, 2006 12:37 AM CST Getting over an ex...
DOC ! I thought we hanged you last week ! laugh
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Nov 3, 2006 12:43 AM CST Getting over an ex...
what have i told you sweetheart about .cockroaches!!??rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing grin
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Nov 3, 2006 12:55 AM CST Getting over an ex...
guitarplayer00
guitarplayer00guitarplayer00Portland, Oregon USA19 Threads 2 Polls 1,901 Posts
yes, run! don't walk away!!
;-}
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Nov 14, 2006 6:12 PM CST Getting over an ex...
TabooN
TabooNTabooNClaremont, USA47 Threads 12,843 Posts
did you feel that?rolling on the floor laughing
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Nov 14, 2006 6:18 PM CST Getting over an ex...
Was there some point in bringing up this thread?

dunno
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