Whats your best joke? ( Archived) (80)

Apr 21, 2012 10:51 AM CST Whats your best joke?
jh94832
jh94832jh94832West Haven, Connecticut USA4 Threads 1 Polls 21 Posts
C'mon tell me :)
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Apr 21, 2012 3:55 PM CST Whats your best joke?
mak_uits
mak_uitsmak_uitsTongi, Dhaka Bangladesh10 Threads 1 Polls 69 Posts
INTELLIGENT COUNSEL - GOOD ONE





While visiting India, George Bush is invited
to tea with Abdul Kalam.

He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is.
He says that, it is to surround himself with
intelligent people.

Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says
Kalam. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says,

"Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question:
Your mother has a child, and your father has a child,
and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Manmohan immediately responds,
"It's me, Sir !"

"Correct.. Thank you and good-bye" says Kalam. He hangs
up and says," Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot.

I'll definitely be using that!"
>

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides
he'd better put Condoleezza Rice to the test.
Bush summons her to the White House and says,
"Condoleezza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a
child, and your father has a child, and this child is not
your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about
it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves.

Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators,
and they puzzle over the question for several hours,
but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally,
in desperation,
Rice calls

Colin Powell
and explains the problem.

"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father
has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House,
finds George Bush, and exclaims,

"I know the answer, sir! I know
who it is!
It's our Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, It’s Manmohan Singh!"
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Apr 21, 2012 4:23 PM CST Whats your best joke?
Two Blondes waiting at the pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die? The first blonde asked the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful", says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to
death?
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get
the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But
eventually,

It's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if
you're sleeping". How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde.

"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my
husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I
ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the
basement but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second
floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and
just as I got there, had a massive heart attack and died."


The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity - if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
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Apr 21, 2012 4:34 PM CST Whats your best joke?
ooby_dooby: Two Blondes waiting at the pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die? The first blonde asked the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful", says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to
death?
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get
the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But
eventually,

It's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if
you're sleeping". How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde.

"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my
husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I
ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the
basement but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second
floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and
just as I got there, had a massive heart attack and died."


The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity - if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
Hi Ooby--here's a good one:


A blonde walks into the public library, and rushes up to the desk. The librarian looks up, and says, "May I help you"? The blonde replies loudly,
"YEAH. I'LL TAKE A CHEESEBURGER, LARGE FRIES, AND A COKE"! The librarian leans forward, and asks,
"Dear, do you have any idea where you're at"? The blonde takes a minute to look around, noticing the people studying quietly, all the shelves of books, the clock ticking on the wall, and it dawns on her.
"Oh! I'm SO sorry!" she exclaims. Then, leaning toward the librarian she whispers softly,
{ "I'll take a cheeseburger, large fries, and a coke".}
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Apr 21, 2012 9:34 PM CST Whats your best joke?
venusenvy
venusenvyvenusenvyCalgary, Alberta Canada27 Threads 20,003 Posts
THESE are your best jokes??? Seriously guys??? Wow! moping
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Apr 21, 2012 9:39 PM CST Whats your best joke?
venusenvy
venusenvyvenusenvyCalgary, Alberta Canada27 Threads 20,003 Posts
K...now see...THAT was a joke banana banana rolling on the floor laughing
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Apr 23, 2012 1:46 PM CST Whats your best joke?
stringman
stringmanstringmanwallaceburg, Ontario Canada649 Threads 1 Polls 7,049 Posts
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and
continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking
for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to
rest on a parrot..










'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot..

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed.
'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a
Rottweiler Jesus.'
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Apr 23, 2012 2:32 PM CST Whats your best joke?
venusenvy: THESE are your best jokes??? Seriously guys??? Wow!
It's one of those "better when told in person" jokes, because the person telling is "acting out" the whispering, etc.... OH MOUSE NARDS and RAT TURDS, it spoils it if you have ta discuss it!!!lips anyhow, jus' cause yer purty......teddybear
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Apr 24, 2012 6:09 PM CST Whats your best joke?
Condemned666
Condemned666Condemned666norwich, Norfolk, England UK20 Threads 1 Polls 393 Posts
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector 'First body,died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.'

'Second body,won a thousand pounds on the Lottery, spent it all on Guinness, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the Smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one,struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.


'Thought he was having his picture taken'
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Apr 24, 2012 7:29 PM CST Whats your best joke?
Snazz
SnazzSnazzCentennial, Colorado USA1 Threads 1 Polls 17 Posts
Two guys go to a restaurant. Their waiter asks "Would you like a drink to start out with?" The first guy says "I'll have some H2O." The second guy says "I'll have some H2O, too."

The second guy died.


(it's a chemistry pun- H2O2 will kill you. Any fellow geeks out there?)
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Apr 24, 2012 7:30 PM CST Whats your best joke?
Snazz
SnazzSnazzCentennial, Colorado USA1 Threads 1 Polls 17 Posts
Condemned666: Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector 'First body,died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.'

'Second body,won a thousand pounds on the Lottery, spent it all on Guinness, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the Smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one,struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.'Thought he was having his picture taken'


YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
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Apr 24, 2012 7:44 PM CST Whats your best joke?
epirb
epirbepirbDannevirke, Hawke's Bay New Zealand32 Threads 2 Polls 7,379 Posts
Snazz: Two guys go to a restaurant. Their waiter asks "Would you like a drink to start out with?" The first guy says "I'll have some H2O." The second guy says "I'll have some H2O, too."

The second guy died.(it's a chemistry pun- H2O2 will kill you. Any fellow geeks out there?)
buzzzzzzzzzzzzz wong H2so4
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Apr 24, 2012 8:25 PM CST Whats your best joke?
epirb: buzzzzzzzzzzzzz wong H2so4
I didn't think H2O2 would kill you either. Sulfuric acid surely will. I prefer C12H22O11 myself though. Oh BTW the word is wrong not wong you wang.laugh
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Apr 24, 2012 8:30 PM CST Whats your best joke?
And where the hell is the OP? I feel so used.crying
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Apr 25, 2012 5:17 AM CST Whats your best joke?
Virgo117
Virgo117Virgo117Tbilisi, Georgia5 Threads 130 Posts
good one...
mak_uits: INTELLIGENT COUNSEL - GOOD ONE





While visiting India, George Bush is invited
to tea with Abdul Kalam.

He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is.
He says that, it is to surround himself with
intelligent people.

Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says
Kalam. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says,

"Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question:
Your mother has a child, and your father has a child,
and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Manmohan immediately responds,
"It's me, Sir !"

"Correct.. Thank you and good-bye" says Kalam. He hangs
up and says," Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot.

I'll definitely be using that!"
>

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides
he'd better put Condoleezza Rice to the test.
Bush summons her to the White House and says,
"Condoleezza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a
child, and your father has a child, and this child is not
your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about
it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves.

Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators,
and they puzzle over the question for several hours,
but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally,
in desperation,
Rice calls

Colin Powell
and explains the problem.

"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father
has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister.
Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House,
finds George Bush, and exclaims,

"I know the answer, sir! I know
who it is!
It's our Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, It’s Manmohan Singh!"
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Apr 25, 2012 5:21 AM CST Whats your best joke?
Virgo117
Virgo117Virgo117Tbilisi, Georgia5 Threads 130 Posts
Condemned666: Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector 'First body,died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.'

'Second body,won a thousand pounds on the Lottery, spent it all on Guinness, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the Smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one,struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.'Thought he was having his picture taken'


rolling on the floor laughing
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Apr 25, 2012 6:10 PM CST Whats your best joke?
venusenvy
venusenvyvenusenvyCalgary, Alberta Canada27 Threads 20,003 Posts
Luv you guys!!! yay rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing
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Apr 25, 2012 10:10 PM CST Whats your best joke?
epirb
epirbepirbDannevirke, Hawke's Bay New Zealand32 Threads 2 Polls 7,379 Posts
ooby_dooby: I didn't think H2O2 would kill you either. Sulfuric acid surely will. I prefer C12H22O11 myself though. Oh BTW the word is wrong not wong you wang.
rolling on the floor laughing rolling on the floor laughing I get one every time I do that , ooby you would make a good twout , rise for a fly every time laugh
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Apr 26, 2012 5:21 PM CST Whats your best joke?
A cannibal is squatting next to a pile of poo crying, another cannibal wanders by and asks him why he's crying, pointing at the pile the first cannibal says "I just dumped my girlfriend"
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Apr 26, 2012 8:04 PM CST Whats your best joke?
venusenvy
venusenvyvenusenvyCalgary, Alberta Canada27 Threads 20,003 Posts
Two cannibals are enjoying a snack, suddenly one turned to the other and asked Hey! does this clown taste funny to you redclown
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