Differences in Being Love (123)
BB_snickers: Can and do you applaud differences in another or do they scare you away?
A lot of people say they won't change but they do with out noticing it.
K...for instance I hated mini golf, someone asked me to go to a golf tournament...well I loved it.
As you said...people and I think for most they look for a sameness in compatibility rather than appreciating some opposition or difference that could lead to growth.
Compatibility can change, if they don't do the same things at first then they try what the other person like, then they will become compatible.
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I believe we are changing all the time, or should be.....coz we are adding new information into our personal computers and should be adapting accordingly. Only the closed minds will not try to see things from a different angle as they are happier in their well known comfort zones.
Only with empathy can we appreciate and love our fellow beings.
Only with empathy can we appreciate and love our fellow beings.
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BB_snickers: A lot of folks verbalize in RL and write in their profiles statements like "take me as I am" or "don't try to change me", drawing hard lines in the sand as it were.
When we take that step to go out (or stay in ) and meet someone in RL, there's a usually a number of those internal judgements going on about the other person, about ourselves and how 'we' would fit together as a couple and how much we might have to change our self.
The genesis of a relationship plays a big role in our choice to go ahead or move on to a next choice. Old habits and preconceived notions and internal dialog about 'matching' and changing tend to rule some people and I think for most they look for a sameness in compatibility rather than appreciating some opposition or difference that could lead to growth.
When you meet someone, how much do you focus on the seeming negative differences in your personalities, appearance etc.? Are you able to get past most of the superficial judgements and decisions to 'not change yourself', in favor of being love yourself? Can and do you applaud differences in another or do they scare you away?
When we take that step to go out (or stay in ) and meet someone in RL, there's a usually a number of those internal judgements going on about the other person, about ourselves and how 'we' would fit together as a couple and how much we might have to change our self.
The genesis of a relationship plays a big role in our choice to go ahead or move on to a next choice. Old habits and preconceived notions and internal dialog about 'matching' and changing tend to rule some people and I think for most they look for a sameness in compatibility rather than appreciating some opposition or difference that could lead to growth.
When you meet someone, how much do you focus on the seeming negative differences in your personalities, appearance etc.? Are you able to get past most of the superficial judgements and decisions to 'not change yourself', in favor of being love yourself? Can and do you applaud differences in another or do they scare you away?
I could make some changes to be love but what changes would those be?
As silly as it might be the small things that make life everyday are very important for a relationship to go well.
Watching sports in TV would be torture to me –watching TV at all in fact- and perhaps going to the Opera would be a torture for him.
The first approach for me would be to find someone whom has the same values, then to have the same -or the most possible- similar interests.
I do applaud to differences and compromise –both ways- is the key factor in a relationship.
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snowella: A lot of people say they won't change but they do with out noticing it.
I think this is likely true in some instances and more likely in subtle ways. I do however think that some ppl might keep score in a way, or track when they 'compromise' in order to make sure that there's equal measures.
Common phrases, like, "I did this or that for you, so you should do this for me", come to mind. Score keeping and guilt phrases me thinks have little do with change and more to do with keeping the status quo.
snowella:
K...for instance I hated mini golf, someone asked me to go to a golf tournament...well I loved it.
As you said...people and I think for most they look for a sameness in compatibility rather than appreciating some opposition or difference that could lead to growth.
Compatibility can change, if they don't do the same things at first then they try what the other person like, then they will become compatible.
K...for instance I hated mini golf, someone asked me to go to a golf tournament...well I loved it.
As you said...people and I think for most they look for a sameness in compatibility rather than appreciating some opposition or difference that could lead to growth.
Compatibility can change, if they don't do the same things at first then they try what the other person like, then they will become compatible.
A round of mini golf would be rather benign for me, but I could see how it may be a point of contention for someone else. As long as she's wearing a mini skirt I could get by.
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hoolet: I believe we are changing all the time, or should be.....coz we are adding new information into our personal computers and should be adapting accordingly. Only the closed minds will not try to see things from a different angle as they are happier in their well known comfort zones.
Only with empathy can we appreciate and love our fellow beings.
Only with empathy can we appreciate and love our fellow beings.
Does this, do you think, make the assumption that a lot of people might notice a changing landscape but do so in negative ways in order to avoid leaving their comfort zone?
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BB_snickers: Does this, do you think, make the assumption that a lot of people might notice a changing landscape but do so in negative ways in order to avoid leaving their comfort zone?
I was referrin more to the way we perceive someone that we may be attracted to, but because we cannot see their view of things, or refuse to understand their point of view, there is a probability that the relationship will not develop.
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lifeisadream: I could make some changes to be love but what changes would those be?
As silly as it might be the small things that make life everyday are very important for a relationship to go well.
Watching sports in TV would be torture to me –watching TV at all in fact- and perhaps going to the Opera would be a torture for him.
The first approach for me would be to find someone whom has the same values, then to have the same -or the most possible- similar interests.
I do applaud to differences and compromise –both ways- is the key factor in a relationship.
As silly as it might be the small things that make life everyday are very important for a relationship to go well.
Watching sports in TV would be torture to me –watching TV at all in fact- and perhaps going to the Opera would be a torture for him.
The first approach for me would be to find someone whom has the same values, then to have the same -or the most possible- similar interests.
I do applaud to differences and compromise –both ways- is the key factor in a relationship.
I deplore the word compromise since it does exactly what you say in equaling the playing field. It lends itself to score keeping (-both ways?-) I think. "Oh, look what I'm giving up for you", is such a poor way to grow me thinks since it then becomes externally driven.
I'd be more inclined to seeking individual balance than some notion that give and take must be maintained all the time. It is after all about self working within an us to achieve personal growth and I don't think that leads to anything we'd call compromise. It might be closer to courage in sense to not be expecting compromise all the time, as a means of relating to someone.
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the whole subject of changing is more a matter of choices - if we choose to change something about ourselves, fine. but it is best to avoid a partner who expects you will change on their whim or because they want you to
it is also one thing to ask someone to make a small change, like picking up mini golf - that is fine if you want to do it
it;s another to ask someone to change the person who they are on the inside and become someone else - it's also not a good idea to get involved with someone whose hobbies you don't like because they will not want to drop them
basically someone who feels they have the right to ask me to change would be waaaaay too controlling for my taste
(again, unless the changes are something that I choose also and view as positive)
it is also one thing to ask someone to make a small change, like picking up mini golf - that is fine if you want to do it
it;s another to ask someone to change the person who they are on the inside and become someone else - it's also not a good idea to get involved with someone whose hobbies you don't like because they will not want to drop them
basically someone who feels they have the right to ask me to change would be waaaaay too controlling for my taste
(again, unless the changes are something that I choose also and view as positive)
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hoolet: I was referrin more to the way we perceive someone that we may be attracted to, but because we cannot see their view of things, or refuse to understand their point of view, there is a probability that the relationship will not develop.
Ahhhhh. I think this has some merit in relating hoolet, and I think we'd all agree whether we actually practice it or not, in getting to know someone, without preconceived notions, better or at least as well as they know themselves. To facilitate another in growth, requires this sort of dedication to understanding another at a deeper level than their surface behaviors.
That was the major thrust of the OP, that making judgements/decisions based on surface behaviors or unsubstantiated internal dialog, blinds one to a myriad of possibilites with that person. Might even make us stop seeing someone who might well be good for us because they could change us in core ways.
Do you think there's a greater tendency for people to think about me me me so much that it impedes any real possibility for growth, let alone the vision to see possibilities with someone they'd dismiss out of hand because they don't meet one's list of superficial wants in another?
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I think the problem I have with this is the idea that one needs to change anything - that is not necessarily so and I certainly don't need anyone to tell me otherwise
I will change if I want to. I think anyone who goes into ANY relationship with the idea that their partner is going to change is screwed up jmho
I will change if I want to. I think anyone who goes into ANY relationship with the idea that their partner is going to change is screwed up jmho
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BB_snickers: I deplore the word compromise since it does exactly what you say in equaling the playing field. It lends itself to score keeping (-both ways?-) I think. "Oh, look what I'm giving up for you", is such a poor way to grow me thinks since it then becomes externally driven.
I'd be more inclined to seeking individual balance than some notion that give and take must be maintained all the time. It is after all about self working within an us to achieve personal growth and I don't think that leads to anything we'd call compromise. It might be closer to courage in sense to not be expecting compromise all the time, as a means of relating to someone.
I'd be more inclined to seeking individual balance than some notion that give and take must be maintained all the time. It is after all about self working within an us to achieve personal growth and I don't think that leads to anything we'd call compromise. It might be closer to courage in sense to not be expecting compromise all the time, as a means of relating to someone.
You deplore the word compromise I do not and of course “keeping scores” is not a healthy approach.
To seek for “us” to grow with out compromising……..
Tell me, How you do it?
(Within two balanced individuals)
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BB_snickers: Ahhhhh. I think this has some merit in relating hoolet, and I think we'd all agree whether we actually practice it or not, in getting to know someone, without preconceived notions, better or at least as well as they know themselves. To facilitate another in growth, requires this sort of dedication to understanding another at a deeper level than their surface behaviors.
That was the major thrust of the OP, that making judgements/decisions based on surface behaviors or unsubstantiated internal dialog, blinds one to a myriad of possibilites with that person. Might even make us stop seeing someone who might well be good for us because they could change us in core ways.
Do you think there's a greater tendency for people to think about me me me so much that it impedes any real possibility for growth, let alone the vision to see possibilities with someone they'd dismiss out of hand because they don't meet one's list of superficial wants in another?
That was the major thrust of the OP, that making judgements/decisions based on surface behaviors or unsubstantiated internal dialog, blinds one to a myriad of possibilites with that person. Might even make us stop seeing someone who might well be good for us because they could change us in core ways.
Do you think there's a greater tendency for people to think about me me me so much that it impedes any real possibility for growth, let alone the vision to see possibilities with someone they'd dismiss out of hand because they don't meet one's list of superficial wants in another?
Unfortunately, in our present day world, I feel the "me me me" attitude has been nurtured by indulgent parents. Without good role models, the only way individuals will learn to understand other people´s needs is by the hard knocks school of life and spiritual guidance.
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felixis99:
basically someone who feels they have the right to ask me to change would be waaaaay too controlling for my taste
basically someone who feels they have the right to ask me to change would be waaaaay too controlling for my taste
So, you'd basically ignore any possible wisdom in that person's offerings?
I find (just in my experience) that a lot of people with control issues as arguments or debate points, tend to be the least likely to want change as you point out. Not saying that's a bad thing because some want to remain in a comfort zone come hell or high water to facilitate a deeper change or better understand their position?. Still it is no less valuable an experience than one who'd welcome a change.
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BB_snickers: So, you'd basically ignore any possible wisdom in that person's offerings?
I find (just in my experience) that a lot of people with control issues as arguments or debate points, tend to be the least likely to want change as you point out. Not saying that's a bad thing because some want to remain in a comfort zone come hell or high water to facilitate a deeper change or better understand their position?. Still it is no less valuable an experience than one who'd welcome a change.
I find (just in my experience) that a lot of people with control issues as arguments or debate points, tend to be the least likely to want change as you point out. Not saying that's a bad thing because some want to remain in a comfort zone come hell or high water to facilitate a deeper change or better understand their position?. Still it is no less valuable an experience than one who'd welcome a change.
I will choose when to leave & when to stay in a comfort zone and I am quite capable to make that decision
to infer that someone else has the right to make that for me is too controlling for my taste, yes. I would prefer a partner who does not think I am obligated to accept his wisdom, nor would I want some one arrogant enough to believe that his idea that I should change IS wisdom in the first place. who says??? no - if you are spending your time "wisely" trying to change another than that is controlling and not the right person for you. and not at all wise jmho
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BB_snickers: So, you'd basically ignore any possible wisdom in that person's offerings?
I find (just in my experience) that a lot of people with control issues as arguments or debate points, tend to be the least likely to want change as you point out. Not saying that's a bad thing because some want to remain in a comfort zone come hell or high water to facilitate a deeper change or better understand their position?. Still it is no less valuable an experience than one who'd welcome a change.
I find (just in my experience) that a lot of people with control issues as arguments or debate points, tend to be the least likely to want change as you point out. Not saying that's a bad thing because some want to remain in a comfort zone come hell or high water to facilitate a deeper change or better understand their position?. Still it is no less valuable an experience than one who'd welcome a change.
and to answer your question, IDK if I'd ignore it, but I would most likely end the relationship at the romantic or partner ship level...so the relationship would end, yes
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felixis99: I think the problem I have with this is the idea that one needs to change anything - that is not necessarily so and I certainly don't need anyone to tell me otherwise
I will change if I want to. I think anyone who goes into ANY relationship with the idea that their partner is going to change is screwed up jmho
I will change if I want to. I think anyone who goes into ANY relationship with the idea that their partner is going to change is screwed up jmho
I like to screw down, though screwing up has some definite benefits as does screwing sideways and upside down. Can humans screw spirally?
Felix, do you think having this 'don't change' belief limits your ability to see more of who you are and what you might be capable of beyond your present sense of your self, or does it just not matter to you?
Well I suppose it matters in a sense that it is the way you want it, so I don't mean 'doesn't matter' in a careless way because I'm sure you've considered the ramifications of your choice.
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BB_snickers: I like to screw down, though screwing up has some definite benefits as does screwing sideways and upside down. Can humans screw spirally? Felix, do you think having this 'don't change' belief limits your ability to see more of who you are and what you might be capable of beyond your present sense of your self, or does it just not matter to you?
Well I suppose it matters in a sense that it is the way you want it, so I don't mean 'doesn't matter' in a careless way because I'm sure you've considered the ramifications of your choice.
Well I suppose it matters in a sense that it is the way you want it, so I don't mean 'doesn't matter' in a careless way because I'm sure you've considered the ramifications of your choice.
well I defintely think humans can screw spirally
I also think that we have to feel accepted by our partner and when that is in question the romance goes out the window and it is the beginning of the end (expereince speaking). I am referring ONLY to romantic partners as we don't necessarily have the same level of intimacy with other family & friends
my choice has no ramifications one way or the other - I do not want a partner who sees me as someone he wants to change - period - that is not a choice - it is a preference and a pretty non negotiable one for a personal romantic relationship
I would expect to learn from each other in a relationship and any changes would evolve, by ones own choice fairly painlessly
as we are always changing....it's the arrogance factor or the paternalism that would bother me
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lifeisadream: You deplore the word compromise I do not and of course “keeping scores” is not a healthy approach.
To seek for “us” to grow with out compromising……..
Tell me, How you do it?
(Within two balanced individuals)
To seek for “us” to grow with out compromising……..
Tell me, How you do it?
(Within two balanced individuals)
Your question Lifeis presumes, that we are all balanced individuals, at all times and that is just not the case. Too much of an absolute to be close to truth. The point I was making is that seeking one's individual balance is done as a personal change.
It's on ongoing dance of personal growth and balance, using your significant other as a means of exploring change. It's not a constant that is brought into the relationship but one that develops as a result of an us. Being able to positively measure change rather than being resolute in compromise for change's sake. For me, it is a big difference in defining being love with another.
Compromise, for me, portends negative sacrifice. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
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hoolet: Unfortunately, in our present day world, I feel the "me me me" attitude has been nurtured by indulgent parents. Without good role models, the only way individuals will learn to understand other people´s needs is by the hard knocks school of life and spiritual guidance.
Ayn Rand's fault, not to mention a few others.
I wonder if Conrad's ears are burning now?
We really have been socially driven in the way you present. I'm not sure it's a bad thing. I would however suggest that it is counter productive in matters of relating to a significant other, unless of course your S.O. is completely and utterly in a state of compromise and or acceptance.
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When we take that step to go out (or stay in
The genesis of a relationship plays a big role in our choice to go ahead or move on to a next choice. Old habits and preconceived notions and internal dialog about 'matching' and changing tend to rule some people and I think for most they look for a sameness in compatibility rather than appreciating some opposition or difference that could lead to growth.
When you meet someone, how much do you focus on the seeming negative differences in your personalities, appearance etc.? Are you able to get past most of the superficial judgements and decisions to 'not change yourself', in favor of being love yourself?
Can and do you applaud differences in another or do they scare you away?