When Do Parents Let Go? (49)
Well, you`re no one liner, thats for sure 
I do like to support the younger generation in their efforts to as you said "grow up", but If you haven`t taught your kid ( Im talking generally here)that you are not Merlin the wizard that even you as a parent can`t do magic , you haven`t dona much of a job
Disappointments and frustrations are a part of growing up ...
I do like to support the younger generation in their efforts to as you said "grow up", but If you haven`t taught your kid ( Im talking generally here)that you are not Merlin the wizard that even you as a parent can`t do magic , you haven`t dona much of a job
Disappointments and frustrations are a part of growing up ...
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Boban1: Well, you`re no one liner, thats for sure
I do like to support the younger generation in their efforts to as you said "grow up", but If you haven`t taught your kid ( Im talking generally here)that you are not Merlin the wizard that even you as a parent can`t do magic , you haven`t dona much of a job
Disappointments and frustrations are a part of growing up ...
I do like to support the younger generation in their efforts to as you said "grow up", but If you haven`t taught your kid ( Im talking generally here)that you are not Merlin the wizard that even you as a parent can`t do magic , you haven`t dona much of a job
Disappointments and frustrations are a part of growing up ...
So you're saying I shouldn't consider changing my screenname to "OneLinerBee"?
Thank you Bo. This is an issue that I need help gaining clarity.
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bump 
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If she is never given the responsibility of taking care of herself she will never learn. When she was just in school I see nothing wrong with her parents supporting her but now that she is pregnant she needs to figure it out on her own. If she never learns how to care for herself how will she be able to ever provide a stable home for her child? One of the hardest things for a parent is to step back and let their child take the wheel but its something we all have to do at some point.
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It´s not so much letting go.......as stepping back and playing the supportive role. Your niece´s life has taken a path which you and her parents would not have wished, but who can see into the future........it may be the making of her.
Regarding the wedding...........for a 21 year old I think this is a fairly normal longing, but maybe the first thing to introduce would be the fact that the money could be better spent on the forthcoming adorable baby, and keep costs to a minimum. This would also show a depth of maturity from your niece, if accepted. If you, her parents and grandparents continue to carry her, she will never learn to stand on her own feet. Having said that, it´s a fine line to tread knowing when to assist and when to back off.
Regarding the wedding...........for a 21 year old I think this is a fairly normal longing, but maybe the first thing to introduce would be the fact that the money could be better spent on the forthcoming adorable baby, and keep costs to a minimum. This would also show a depth of maturity from your niece, if accepted. If you, her parents and grandparents continue to carry her, she will never learn to stand on her own feet. Having said that, it´s a fine line to tread knowing when to assist and when to back off.
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Kaybee50: CS Friends,
I am not a parent, but an Aunt who adores and spoils her nieces and nephews. I feel their joys and disappointments quite intensely, and have been an integral part of their lives. I remember in each case the first time I held them in my arms and looked into their faces.
I share this background information with you so that you have an understanding of why I haven't been able to sleep much at all these past few weeks. My niece is in a hurry to grow up. Weren't we all? She is 21 and has a boyfriend she's been living with for over a year. "Living with" is a relative term here, as she still maintains base camp at her parents' house, still enjoys their financial support (i.e. car, car insurance, the newest and coolest phone, clothes, etc...)
She has been attending University and is studying to be a kindergarten teacher. She promised us that she wouldn't get preggers or run off and get married, until she finished school. We asked nothing more than that, as we want so much for her to have a satisfying future with a study income. I gave her a ring to Christmas's past and asked her to wear it as a token to me, her favorite Aunt, that she would stand true to her promise.
She is pregnant. I have gone through the stages of shock, disappointment, and now acceptance of the situation. I only hoped that she wasn't dealing with adult responsibilities until she was ready.
I wanted this to be short and to the point. I apologize of my long-windedness. This is weighing heavily on my shoulders. And here is what is weighing heavily...
1) She told (not asked mind you), but told her mother she was wanting a big wedding.
2) Her car is breaking down on a regular basis. Here is what I read on her Facebook Wall this morning:
"My pregnancy is going well...I wish I could drive a better car, especially since I am pregnant now. I don't like the thought of breaking down on the side of the road in the winter."
I am so annoyed by the post. To me, it is her manipulative way of playing a victim, and expecting her parents, grandparents to continue to support her financially, as long as she pleases.
If I were the parent, I would've allowed her to be the adult she so desperately wanted to be when she started not coming home at nights, with no communication.
I understand what it means to be a friend and supportive of your family members and your children. But, I would no longer support her financially, as I feel it's time she and her boyfriend step up to the plate and figure out their future, their budget, and accept that unexpected things will always happen, and how to deal with them without expecting a hand out, as it has been their entire life.
I would enjoy all differing opinions please...
This bud has been needing trimmed for awhile. The best gift anyone in her circle of family and friends could do is to offer only the bare bones minimum - a roof, enough nutrition, studies. NO cars (cheerfully send her bus tokens). There is a current trend that I absolutely cannot stand, and that is to see people who haven't done very much yet expecting the same benefits of those who have worked years for it. This must STOP. It is a deterrent, not a help, and sets a flimsy example. At some point people must be made aware that anything worth having is tough to obtain--money doesn't grow on trees. Offer to organize a simple, pot-luck wedding. It is the most ridiculous thing I can imagine to splurge on an expensive wedding, which wipes out (someone's) account, and often into the future. This young lady needs to dumb down. She will never get it otherwise.I am not a parent, but an Aunt who adores and spoils her nieces and nephews. I feel their joys and disappointments quite intensely, and have been an integral part of their lives. I remember in each case the first time I held them in my arms and looked into their faces.
I share this background information with you so that you have an understanding of why I haven't been able to sleep much at all these past few weeks. My niece is in a hurry to grow up. Weren't we all? She is 21 and has a boyfriend she's been living with for over a year. "Living with" is a relative term here, as she still maintains base camp at her parents' house, still enjoys their financial support (i.e. car, car insurance, the newest and coolest phone, clothes, etc...)
She has been attending University and is studying to be a kindergarten teacher. She promised us that she wouldn't get preggers or run off and get married, until she finished school. We asked nothing more than that, as we want so much for her to have a satisfying future with a study income. I gave her a ring to Christmas's past and asked her to wear it as a token to me, her favorite Aunt, that she would stand true to her promise.
She is pregnant. I have gone through the stages of shock, disappointment, and now acceptance of the situation. I only hoped that she wasn't dealing with adult responsibilities until she was ready.
I wanted this to be short and to the point. I apologize of my long-windedness. This is weighing heavily on my shoulders. And here is what is weighing heavily...
1) She told (not asked mind you), but told her mother she was wanting a big wedding.
2) Her car is breaking down on a regular basis. Here is what I read on her Facebook Wall this morning:
"My pregnancy is going well...I wish I could drive a better car, especially since I am pregnant now. I don't like the thought of breaking down on the side of the road in the winter."
I am so annoyed by the post. To me, it is her manipulative way of playing a victim, and expecting her parents, grandparents to continue to support her financially, as long as she pleases.
If I were the parent, I would've allowed her to be the adult she so desperately wanted to be when she started not coming home at nights, with no communication.
I understand what it means to be a friend and supportive of your family members and your children. But, I would no longer support her financially, as I feel it's time she and her boyfriend step up to the plate and figure out their future, their budget, and accept that unexpected things will always happen, and how to deal with them without expecting a hand out, as it has been their entire life.
I would enjoy all differing opinions please...
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In response to: CS Friends,
I am not a parent, but an Aunt who adores and spoils her nieces and nephews. I feel their joys and disappointments quite intensely, and have been an integral part of their lives. I remember in each case the first time I held them in my arms and looked into their faces.
I share this background information with you so that you have an understanding of why I haven't been able to sleep much at all these past few weeks. My niece is in a hurry to grow up. Weren't we all? She is 21 and has a boyfriend she's been living with for over a year. "Living with" is a relative term here, as she still maintains base camp at her parents' house, still enjoys their financial support (i.e. car, car insurance, the newest and coolest phone, clothes, etc...)
She has been attending University and is studying to be a kindergarten teacher. She promised us that she wouldn't get preggers or run off and get married, until she finished school. We asked nothing more than that, as we want so much for her to have a satisfying future with a study income. I gave her a ring to Christmas's past and asked her to wear it as a token to me, her favorite Aunt, that she would stand true to her promise.
She is pregnant. I have gone through the stages of shock, disappointment, and now acceptance of the situation. I only hoped that she wasn't dealing with adult responsibilities until she was ready.
I wanted this to be short and to the point. I apologize of my long-windedness. This is weighing heavily on my shoulders. And here is what is weighing heavily...
1) She told (not asked mind you), but told her mother she was wanting a big wedding.
2) Her car is breaking down on a regular basis. Here is what I read on her Facebook Wall this morning:
"My pregnancy is going well...I wish I could drive a better car, especially since I am pregnant now. I don't like the thought of breaking down on the side of the road in the winter."
I am so annoyed by the post. To me, it is her manipulative way of playing a victim, and expecting her parents, grandparents to continue to support her financially, as long as she pleases.
If I were the parent, I would've allowed her to be the adult she so desperately wanted to be when she started not coming home at nights, with no communication.
I understand what it means to be a friend and supportive of your family members and your children. But, I would no longer support her financially, as I feel it's time she and her boyfriend step up to the plate and figure out their future, their budget, and accept that unexpected things will always happen, and how to deal with them without expecting a hand out, as it has been their entire life.
I would enjoy all differing opinions please...
Tough love is sometimes the hardest. She's obviously not grown up. It seems to me that she isn't taking any responsibility for her actions. She seems to think that mommy and daddy will take care of her. As far as the BIG wedding. It's kind of late for that....don't you think? Do give something away that has already been taken....oh well,just my opinion. YOu have to give tough love sometimes and say NO.I am not a parent, but an Aunt who adores and spoils her nieces and nephews. I feel their joys and disappointments quite intensely, and have been an integral part of their lives. I remember in each case the first time I held them in my arms and looked into their faces.
I share this background information with you so that you have an understanding of why I haven't been able to sleep much at all these past few weeks. My niece is in a hurry to grow up. Weren't we all? She is 21 and has a boyfriend she's been living with for over a year. "Living with" is a relative term here, as she still maintains base camp at her parents' house, still enjoys their financial support (i.e. car, car insurance, the newest and coolest phone, clothes, etc...)
She has been attending University and is studying to be a kindergarten teacher. She promised us that she wouldn't get preggers or run off and get married, until she finished school. We asked nothing more than that, as we want so much for her to have a satisfying future with a study income. I gave her a ring to Christmas's past and asked her to wear it as a token to me, her favorite Aunt, that she would stand true to her promise.
She is pregnant. I have gone through the stages of shock, disappointment, and now acceptance of the situation. I only hoped that she wasn't dealing with adult responsibilities until she was ready.
I wanted this to be short and to the point. I apologize of my long-windedness. This is weighing heavily on my shoulders. And here is what is weighing heavily...
1) She told (not asked mind you), but told her mother she was wanting a big wedding.
2) Her car is breaking down on a regular basis. Here is what I read on her Facebook Wall this morning:
"My pregnancy is going well...I wish I could drive a better car, especially since I am pregnant now. I don't like the thought of breaking down on the side of the road in the winter."
I am so annoyed by the post. To me, it is her manipulative way of playing a victim, and expecting her parents, grandparents to continue to support her financially, as long as she pleases.
If I were the parent, I would've allowed her to be the adult she so desperately wanted to be when she started not coming home at nights, with no communication.
I understand what it means to be a friend and supportive of your family members and your children. But, I would no longer support her financially, as I feel it's time she and her boyfriend step up to the plate and figure out their future, their budget, and accept that unexpected things will always happen, and how to deal with them without expecting a hand out, as it has been their entire life.
I would enjoy all differing opinions please...
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JustJess77: If she is never given the responsibility of taking care of herself she will never learn. When she was just in school I see nothing wrong with her parents supporting her but now that she is pregnant she needs to figure it out on her own. If she never learns how to care for herself how will she be able to ever provide a stable home for her child? One of the hardest things for a parent is to step back and let their child take the wheel but its something we all have to do at some point.
Her parents had agreed to support her throughout her education. So she will continue her education (I think, but who knows at this point). Still, does that mean they should continue to step in now during times of crises? She has a partner, the father of her child, who is as happy as she is about the pregnancy. He is wanting to marry her.
I guess I'm wondering about the "timing" issue here...when is it time for my niece to stop relying on her parents and family for most of her needs, and begin taking on the planning and financial aspects of her future?
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Kaybee50: Her parents had agreed to support her throughout her education. So she will continue her education (I think, but who knows at this point). Still, does that mean they should continue to step in now during times of crises? She has a partner, the father of her child, who is as happy as she is about the pregnancy. He is wanting to marry her.
I guess I'm wondering about the "timing" issue here...when is it time for my niece to stop relying on her parents and family for most of her needs, and begin taking on the planning and financial aspects of her future?
Yesterday.I guess I'm wondering about the "timing" issue here...when is it time for my niece to stop relying on her parents and family for most of her needs, and begin taking on the planning and financial aspects of her future?
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JustJess77: If she is never given the responsibility of taking care of herself she will never learn. When she was just in school I see nothing wrong with her parents supporting her but now that she is pregnant she needs to figure it out on her own. If she never learns how to care for herself how will she be able to ever provide a stable home for her child? One of the hardest things for a parent is to step back and let their child take the wheel but its something we all have to do at some point.
Ah Jess, the number of times I've said these exact words to my sister is countless.
I suppose that the solution to shedding my anxiety and fears for my niece, and sister (this past year has created a tense environment in my sis's home), is to understand that I can no longer influence those "kids". My niece is making choices, and I hope everything will evolve into a "And They All Lived Happily Ever After" scenario. But I foresee lots of pain and anger and shattered relationships on the horizon, and the inability to do anything about it is weighing so heavily on me.
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hoolet: It´s not so much letting go.......as stepping back and playing the supportive role. Your niece´s life has taken a path which you and her parents would not have wished, but who can see into the future........it may be the making of her.
Regarding the wedding...........for a 21 year old I think this is a fairly normal longing, but maybe the first thing to introduce would be the fact that the money could be better spent on the forthcoming adorable baby, and keep costs to a minimum. This would also show a depth of maturity from your niece, if accepted. If you, her parents and grandparents continue to carry her, she will never learn to stand on her own feet. Having said that, it´s a fine line to tread knowing when to assist and when to back off.
Regarding the wedding...........for a 21 year old I think this is a fairly normal longing, but maybe the first thing to introduce would be the fact that the money could be better spent on the forthcoming adorable baby, and keep costs to a minimum. This would also show a depth of maturity from your niece, if accepted. If you, her parents and grandparents continue to carry her, she will never learn to stand on her own feet. Having said that, it´s a fine line to tread knowing when to assist and when to back off.
What you say makes complete sense. I'm thinking of writing her a letter. I am just unsure whether it will do more harm than good. She has made her own choices thusfar, and I don't believe anything anyone advises at this point will make a difference. She has her head up in the clouds, and is stuck with romantic visions of marriage, a baby for both of them to love, and doesn't have experience with the realities of handling money, budgets, planning, saving, patience, waiting.
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rohaan: Yesterday.
Even though she's still in school Ro? That was their agreement. They would support her through her University. I do believe she herself broke that agreement, however when she began the, "I'm 18 and I can do what I want" thing. And she was allowed to, just to keep a false sense of harmony in the household.
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Kaybee50: CS Friends,
..... My niece is in a hurry to grow up. Weren't we all? She is 21 and has a boyfriend she's been living with for over a year. "Living with" is a relative term here, as she still maintains base camp at her parents' house, still enjoys their financial support (i.e. car, car insurance, the newest and coolest phone, clothes, etc...)
She has been attending University and is studying to be a kindergarten teacher. She promised us that she wouldn't get preggers or run off and get married, until she finished school. We asked nothing more than that, as we want so much for her to have a satisfying future with a study income. I gave her a ring to Christmas's past and asked her to wear it as a token to me, her favorite Aunt, that she would stand true to her promise.
She is pregnant. I have gone through the stages of shock, disappointment, and now acceptance of the situation. I only hoped that she wasn't dealing with adult responsibilities until she was ready......
"My pregnancy is going well...I wish I could drive a better car, especially since I am pregnant now. I don't like the thought of breaking down on the side of the road in the winter."
I am so annoyed by the post. To me, it is her manipulative way of playing a victim, and expecting her parents, grandparents to continue to support her financially, as long as she pleases.
I would enjoy all differing opinions please...
..... My niece is in a hurry to grow up. Weren't we all? She is 21 and has a boyfriend she's been living with for over a year. "Living with" is a relative term here, as she still maintains base camp at her parents' house, still enjoys their financial support (i.e. car, car insurance, the newest and coolest phone, clothes, etc...)
She has been attending University and is studying to be a kindergarten teacher. She promised us that she wouldn't get preggers or run off and get married, until she finished school. We asked nothing more than that, as we want so much for her to have a satisfying future with a study income. I gave her a ring to Christmas's past and asked her to wear it as a token to me, her favorite Aunt, that she would stand true to her promise.
She is pregnant. I have gone through the stages of shock, disappointment, and now acceptance of the situation. I only hoped that she wasn't dealing with adult responsibilities until she was ready......
"My pregnancy is going well...I wish I could drive a better car, especially since I am pregnant now. I don't like the thought of breaking down on the side of the road in the winter."
I am so annoyed by the post. To me, it is her manipulative way of playing a victim, and expecting her parents, grandparents to continue to support her financially, as long as she pleases.
I would enjoy all differing opinions please...
Hi KB!! (Sorry had to delete someof your post so the reply would fit)
Having read your post a couple of times, this is MY take on it... But you might not like bits of it sorry ...
IMO we can wish great things for our children and support them in going for what they have chosen to go for, guide them and be there for them. We can´t MAKE THEM do the things WE want them to do. Especially when they´re 21.
The highlighted bits are all in one shape or another "emotional blackmail".
The parents are still providing "everything" for her as a form of controle over "her choices" ... a manipulative bribe if you will, so that she finishes her studies, doesn´t get preggers, which she has; she´s "pretending" she hasn´t run off by keeping base camp at her parents - the bribe is vaguely working; she´s demanding a big wedding - IE NOT "running off" and getting married - she´s not acting the victim, she wants to be bribed some more (because she´s got a taste for it now).
When the grown ups, don´t give in to her emotional blackmail and don´t continue with the "bribes" she´s going to be one confused young lady. And all hell is going to brake loose!!
To avoid this whole thing turning into a distructive blame game, I think you guys need to sit down and talk this through, ALL involved, b/f, niece, parents, you. Re-define each of your roles in a way that leaves you all feeling good about it, and accepting the new turn all your lives are gonna take.
May be there can still be some kind of financial support going while they set up home for baby, may be some of the support can become baby-sitting so your niece can finish her studies, may be boy-friend can agree HE should be providing his baby´s mum with a different car etc.... Loads of different angles.
Sending you loads of love energy so you can share it with your loved ones and turn this thing around on the emotional level
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CaptainCrunch: Tough love is sometimes the hardest. She's obviously not grown up. It seems to me that she isn't taking any responsibility for her actions. She seems to think that mommy and daddy will take care of her. As far as the BIG wedding. It's kind of late for that....don't you think? Do give something away that has already been taken....oh well,just my opinion. YOu have to give tough love sometimes and say NO.
Thank you Captain. And therein lies the crux of the biscuit...I'm not sure she was told "No" very often. I believe she has a feeling of entitlement and hasn't yet grasped that things may not just fall into place neatly. Her Grandma (my mother) took care of her everyday growing up, helped shuttle her around to her events, and I'm not quite sure that niece understands that Grandma probably isn't going to do that with her upcoming great grandbaby, as Grandma is ready to start enjoying her Golden Years, sans raising children. And my sis works full-time, and the boyfriend's parents are homeless and don't have the means to help physically or financially....Oh my goodness.
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EagleWoman: Hi KB!! (Sorry had to delete someof your post so the reply would fit)
Having read your post a couple of times, this is MY take on it... But you might not like bits of it sorry ...
IMO we can wish great things for our children and support them in going for what they have chosen to go for, guide them and be there for them. We can´t MAKE THEM do the things WE want them to do. Especially when they´re 21.
The highlighted bits are all in one shape or another "emotional blackmail".
The parents are still providing "everything" for her as a form of controle over "her choices" ... a manipulative bribe if you will, so that she finishes her studies, doesn´t get preggers, which she has; she´s "pretending" she hasn´t run off by keeping base camp at her parents - the bribe is vaguely working; she´s demanding a big wedding - IE NOT "running off" and getting married - she´s not acting the victim, she wants to be bribed some more (because she´s got a taste for it now).
When the grown ups, don´t give in to her emotional blackmail and don´t continue with the "bribes" she´s going to be one confused young lady. And all hell is going to brake loose!!
To avoid this whole thing turning into a distructive blame game, I think you guys need to sit down and talk this through, ALL involved, b/f, niece, parents, you. Re-define each of your roles in a way that leaves you all feeling good about it, and accepting the new turn all your lives are gonna take.
May be there can still be some kind of financial support going while they set up home for baby, may be some of the support can become baby-sitting so your niece can finish her studies, may be boy-friend can agree HE should be providing his baby´s mum with a different car etc.... Loads of different angles.
Sending you loads of love energy so you can share it with your loved ones and turn this thing around on the emotional level
Having read your post a couple of times, this is MY take on it... But you might not like bits of it sorry ...
IMO we can wish great things for our children and support them in going for what they have chosen to go for, guide them and be there for them. We can´t MAKE THEM do the things WE want them to do. Especially when they´re 21.
The highlighted bits are all in one shape or another "emotional blackmail".
The parents are still providing "everything" for her as a form of controle over "her choices" ... a manipulative bribe if you will, so that she finishes her studies, doesn´t get preggers, which she has; she´s "pretending" she hasn´t run off by keeping base camp at her parents - the bribe is vaguely working; she´s demanding a big wedding - IE NOT "running off" and getting married - she´s not acting the victim, she wants to be bribed some more (because she´s got a taste for it now).
When the grown ups, don´t give in to her emotional blackmail and don´t continue with the "bribes" she´s going to be one confused young lady. And all hell is going to brake loose!!
To avoid this whole thing turning into a distructive blame game, I think you guys need to sit down and talk this through, ALL involved, b/f, niece, parents, you. Re-define each of your roles in a way that leaves you all feeling good about it, and accepting the new turn all your lives are gonna take.
May be there can still be some kind of financial support going while they set up home for baby, may be some of the support can become baby-sitting so your niece can finish her studies, may be boy-friend can agree HE should be providing his baby´s mum with a different car etc.... Loads of different angles.
Sending you loads of love energy so you can share it with your loved ones and turn this thing around on the emotional level
Au Contraire Mon EW. I do want to hear varying opinions. I need my mind to stop spinning with "what ifs". I appreciate you direct, to-the-point analysis. Most of the time, people outside of the situation have a clearer view than those involved.
Please know I am going to think on what you have said. Thank you EW.
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Kaybee50: Ah Jess, the number of times I've said these exact words to my sister is countless.
I suppose that the solution to shedding my anxiety and fears for my niece, and sister (this past year has created a tense environment in my sis's home), is to understand that I can no longer influence those "kids". My niece is making choices, and I hope everything will evolve into a "And They All Lived Happily Ever After" scenario. But I foresee lots of pain and anger and shattered relationships on the horizon, and the inability to do anything about it is weighing so heavily on me.
I suppose that the solution to shedding my anxiety and fears for my niece, and sister (this past year has created a tense environment in my sis's home), is to understand that I can no longer influence those "kids". My niece is making choices, and I hope everything will evolve into a "And They All Lived Happily Ever After" scenario. But I foresee lots of pain and anger and shattered relationships on the horizon, and the inability to do anything about it is weighing so heavily on me.
I know what you are going through, I really do. Unfortunately you can't fix every problem in youur family. Sometimes you have to just give your advice and step back. I'm not saying completely walk away and let her crash but at least don't make the fall too cushy. She needs to grow up as does her babys father, she needs to be grateful her parents are still paying her schooling and figure the rest out with her soon to be husband and the time is now. If she wasn't ready for this she should have taken the advice to not go get herself pregnant. Accidents happen of course but as an adult she needs to deal with reprecussions.
I wish you and your family the best and remember not to take too much on yourself
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A parents heart never really lets go...but it can toughen up and sometimes needs to for children to learn to take responsibility for their own life. It worries me that the BF parents are homeless as this may mean he also learnt little responsibility from his parents.
As far as the wedding goes I would say " ok here is the deal..we pay for a small intimate wedding for now and if you kids want a BIG wedding you can have that when you both can afford to pay for it.
As far as the wedding goes I would say " ok here is the deal..we pay for a small intimate wedding for now and if you kids want a BIG wedding you can have that when you both can afford to pay for it.
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Kaybee,
Please do not be offended with what I am about to say:
However, your niece is in a situation akin to a drug taker, By that I mean that you, Her Mother and extended Family are enabling her! to be the way she is.
She is Pregnant yet there are signs that she never fully committed to the relationship, as you say base camp still at home.. Despite having a verbal contract with you her Aunt, Re: Uni, she allowed herself to get Pregnant, knowing that those who ENABLE will continue to do so.. and never committed to the agreement with you either.
She is posting on FB, knowing that her enablers will come to the rescue, as do Druggies,drinkers,abusers etc...
Again PLEASE do not be offended, as that is not my intention.
Now she has taken this huge decision, despite advice, love and verbal contracts with you and her family. It's time to let her see the consequences of her decisions, because that is what growing up is about.. Each one of you Must stop being her enabler (I know it sounds cruel), Sure be there always when things go wrong, Love her always, care and worry about her etc, but insist that she and her partner (baby's Father)take care of their own business, after all, you all played no part in her & His decision!
Please do not be offended, take time for YOU, Take care of YOU and don't lose sleep....
From an Uncle who did all the things you described in your first paragraph.
Kind Regards
Please do not be offended with what I am about to say:
However, your niece is in a situation akin to a drug taker, By that I mean that you, Her Mother and extended Family are enabling her! to be the way she is.
She is Pregnant yet there are signs that she never fully committed to the relationship, as you say base camp still at home.. Despite having a verbal contract with you her Aunt, Re: Uni, she allowed herself to get Pregnant, knowing that those who ENABLE will continue to do so.. and never committed to the agreement with you either.
She is posting on FB, knowing that her enablers will come to the rescue, as do Druggies,drinkers,abusers etc...
Again PLEASE do not be offended, as that is not my intention.
Now she has taken this huge decision, despite advice, love and verbal contracts with you and her family. It's time to let her see the consequences of her decisions, because that is what growing up is about.. Each one of you Must stop being her enabler (I know it sounds cruel), Sure be there always when things go wrong, Love her always, care and worry about her etc, but insist that she and her partner (baby's Father)take care of their own business, after all, you all played no part in her & His decision!
Please do not be offended, take time for YOU, Take care of YOU and don't lose sleep....
From an Uncle who did all the things you described in your first paragraph.
Kind Regards
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JustJess77: If she is never given the responsibility of taking care of herself she will never learn. When she was just in school I see nothing wrong with her parents supporting her but now that she is pregnant she needs to figure it out on her own. If she never learns how to care for herself how will she be able to ever provide a stable home for her child? One of the hardest things for a parent is to step back and let their child take the wheel but its something we all have to do at some point.
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Created: Jun 2012
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I am not a parent, but an Aunt who adores and spoils her nieces and nephews. I feel their joys and disappointments quite intensely, and have been an integral part of their lives. I remember in each case the first time I held them in my arms and looked into their faces.
I share this background information with you so that you have an understanding of why I haven't been able to sleep much at all these past few weeks. My niece is in a hurry to grow up. Weren't we all? She is 21 and has a boyfriend she's been living with for over a year. "Living with" is a relative term here, as she still maintains base camp at her parents' house, still enjoys their financial support (i.e. car, car insurance, the newest and coolest phone, clothes, etc...)
She has been attending University and is studying to be a kindergarten teacher. She promised us that she wouldn't get preggers or run off and get married, until she finished school. We asked nothing more than that, as we want so much for her to have a satisfying future with a study income. I gave her a ring to Christmas's past and asked her to wear it as a token to me, her favorite Aunt, that she would stand true to her promise.
She is pregnant. I have gone through the stages of shock, disappointment, and now acceptance of the situation. I only hoped that she wasn't dealing with adult responsibilities until she was ready.
I wanted this to be short and to the point. I apologize of my long-windedness. This is weighing heavily on my shoulders. And here is what is weighing heavily...
1) She told (not asked mind you), but told her mother she was wanting a big wedding.
2) Her car is breaking down on a regular basis. Here is what I read on her Facebook Wall this morning:
"My pregnancy is going well...I wish I could drive a better car, especially since I am pregnant now. I don't like the thought of breaking down on the side of the road in the winter."
I am so annoyed by the post. To me, it is her manipulative way of playing a victim, and expecting her parents, grandparents to continue to support her financially, as long as she pleases.
If I were the parent, I would've allowed her to be the adult she so desperately wanted to be when she started not coming home at nights, with no communication.
I understand what it means to be a friend and supportive of your family members and your children. But, I would no longer support her financially, as I feel it's time she and her boyfriend step up to the plate and figure out their future, their budget, and accept that unexpected things will always happen, and how to deal with them without expecting a hand out, as it has been their entire life.
I would enjoy all differing opinions please...