Jokes and Humour (39)
I liked the last one with the cat 
Booting with...
One day a blonde office worker comes out to the warehouse to walk around. As she is walking she looks up and sees a co-worker hanging upside down from an I-Beam in the ceiling.
She asks "What ARE you doing"?
The co-worker says "I need a few days off but the boss won't let me have them so I'm hanging upside down from this I-Beam acting crazy.
The boss will see me, think I need rest and send me home for a few days".
The blonde says "That won't work...uh ohh...here comes the boss now, you're in for it".
The boss spots the blode looking up and sees the man hanging up there and asks him "Just WHAT do you think you are DOING?!!"
The man says (in a "crazy" voice) I'm a light bulb...I'm a light bulb"
The boss says "Buddy, you need some rest..take the rest of today and tomorrow off and get some sleep".
As he is climbing down he winks at the blonde showing her it worked.
The blonde thinks about this for a moment and starts to follow the man out the door.
The boss asks her "WHERE do you think YOU'RE going?"
The blonde says "I can't work in the dark".
Booting with...
One day a blonde office worker comes out to the warehouse to walk around. As she is walking she looks up and sees a co-worker hanging upside down from an I-Beam in the ceiling.
She asks "What ARE you doing"?
The co-worker says "I need a few days off but the boss won't let me have them so I'm hanging upside down from this I-Beam acting crazy.
The boss will see me, think I need rest and send me home for a few days".
The blonde says "That won't work...uh ohh...here comes the boss now, you're in for it".
The boss spots the blode looking up and sees the man hanging up there and asks him "Just WHAT do you think you are DOING?!!"
The man says (in a "crazy" voice) I'm a light bulb...I'm a light bulb"
The boss says "Buddy, you need some rest..take the rest of today and tomorrow off and get some sleep".
As he is climbing down he winks at the blonde showing her it worked.
The blonde thinks about this for a moment and starts to follow the man out the door.
The boss asks her "WHERE do you think YOU'RE going?"
The blonde says "I can't work in the dark".
People that make silly statements or make
stupid comments should be given a badge!
This is one that was recently given to me.
Read carefully to catch the drift.
A family were moving house, truck outside ready for
loading. Cartons filled the house and the family were
busy getting last minute things done.
A neighbour comes in, asks are you moving?
Reply
No we pack all our things once a month just to see how
many cartons we can fill.
Here is your badge!
A man is working late in the office.
A colleague comes in and asks are you still here?
Reply no I left an hour ago.
Here is your badge.
A truck driver has driven under a low bridge and is stuck.
Police man comes and is very astute seems he does not need
a badge as he is writing down all details.
Ah until he says did you get stuck under the bridge?
Reply
No today I am delivery bridges.
Here is your badge.
Mother to Son, you never came in last night til this
morning. You would have woken us all up only we were asleep.
Here is your badge!
Enough now, hope you found some of this funny.
stupid comments should be given a badge!
This is one that was recently given to me.
Read carefully to catch the drift.
A family were moving house, truck outside ready for
loading. Cartons filled the house and the family were
busy getting last minute things done.
A neighbour comes in, asks are you moving?
Reply
No we pack all our things once a month just to see how
many cartons we can fill.
Here is your badge!
A man is working late in the office.
A colleague comes in and asks are you still here?
Reply no I left an hour ago.
Here is your badge.
A truck driver has driven under a low bridge and is stuck.
Police man comes and is very astute seems he does not need
a badge as he is writing down all details.
Ah until he says did you get stuck under the bridge?
Reply
No today I am delivery bridges.
Here is your badge.
Mother to Son, you never came in last night til this
morning. You would have woken us all up only we were asleep.
Here is your badge!
Enough now, hope you found some of this funny.
goes to show that we are all guilty of stating the obvious, and that we are all equally good with a return of sarcasm...
How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of drinking and thought 'How did I get home?'? As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your home.
The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter. The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these magical devices. The beer scooter works in the following fashion: The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the slurring gland begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal.
It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This generates the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'.
Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (unidentified drinking injuries). An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of trans-dimensional portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for.
This generates the third question after a night out 'What happened?' With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the EMIT (embarrassing moments in time) add on, that automatically allocates (for removal), in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one's EMIT is not necessarily the EMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained over a suitable period.
Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences.
With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a drive-thru chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question answered.
For the family man, beer scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot Boots. These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall and the CTSGS (coffee table seeking guidance system) explains the bruised shins.
The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter. The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these magical devices. The beer scooter works in the following fashion: The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the slurring gland begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal.
It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This generates the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'.
Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (unidentified drinking injuries). An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of trans-dimensional portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for.
This generates the third question after a night out 'What happened?' With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the EMIT (embarrassing moments in time) add on, that automatically allocates (for removal), in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one's EMIT is not necessarily the EMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained over a suitable period.
Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences.
With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a drive-thru chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question answered.
For the family man, beer scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot Boots. These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall and the CTSGS (coffee table seeking guidance system) explains the bruised shins.
Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door
Came across this comment - not the history I was looking for - but....
Australians haven’t always found it easy to come back from the jokes and genuine insults made about their heritage. The creation of the word Pome (word used for English) may have been an attempt at a humorous comeback. Some have said Pome is an acronym for Prisoner Of Mother England. English critics have dismissed such an explanation because it relies on the premise that Australians can spell. Another explanation is that it is an abbreviation of pomegranate, which is rhyming slang for immigrant. The English tend to be more comfortable with this explanation because it means Australians can count syllables correctly let alone make good use of the cockney rhyming slang that they inheirited from England.
Australians haven’t always found it easy to come back from the jokes and genuine insults made about their heritage. The creation of the word Pome (word used for English) may have been an attempt at a humorous comeback. Some have said Pome is an acronym for Prisoner Of Mother England. English critics have dismissed such an explanation because it relies on the premise that Australians can spell. Another explanation is that it is an abbreviation of pomegranate, which is rhyming slang for immigrant. The English tend to be more comfortable with this explanation because it means Australians can count syllables correctly let alone make good use of the cockney rhyming slang that they inheirited from England.
Stereotypical differences between Aussies, Brits, Americans and Candadians
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that is the government's job.
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Brits: Have produced many great comedians, celebrated by Canadians, ignored by Americans, and therefore not rich.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians such as John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, in either language, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.
Aussies: Waffle on about how some of their past citizens were once Outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that is the government's job.
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Brits: Have produced many great comedians, celebrated by Canadians, ignored by Americans, and therefore not rich.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians such as John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they played them in.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic about their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, in either language, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.
Aussies: Waffle on about how some of their past citizens were once Outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.
Hi K 
some of these have had me
laughing so much!
The last one a bit long though, only
got half way through it.
3 Men sentenced to death by Guillotine!
English, Scot, Aussie.
English goes first and the blade stopped short, so he
was free to go.
Scot second, the blade stopped short again, so he was
free to go.
Aussie, said hold on a second I see the problem with it.
some of these have had me laughing so much!
The last one a bit long though, only
got half way through it.
3 Men sentenced to death by Guillotine!
English, Scot, Aussie.
English goes first and the blade stopped short, so he
was free to go.
Scot second, the blade stopped short again, so he was
free to go.
Aussie, said hold on a second I see the problem with it.
Loved the 'train ticket' one - thanks for sharing 
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side
'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said. ' I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on .
When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large... 'I told her, 'of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.
'Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.' Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them. 'Exactly,' replied Jack.' I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.'Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.
'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack.
'Exactly,' replied Jill. 'And if you don't change your bloody attitude, you never will.'
'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said. ' I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on .
When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large... 'I told her, 'of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.
'Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.' Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.
Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them. 'Exactly,' replied Jack.' I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.'Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack.
'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack.
'Exactly,' replied Jill. 'And if you don't change your bloody attitude, you never will.'
In response to the next one -
Ten Rules for a Happy Marriage:
1. The Woman always makes the rules.
2. These rules are subject to change without notice.
3. No Man can possibly know all the rules.
4. The Woman is never wrong!.
5. If it appears the Woman is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Man did or said.
6. The Man must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
7. The Woman can change her mind at any time!.
8. The Man must never change his mind without the proper consent of the Woman.
9. The Man must read the mind of the Woman at all times.
10. At all times, what is important is what the Woman meant, not what She said....
Ten Rules for a Happy Marriage:
1. The Woman always makes the rules.
2. These rules are subject to change without notice.
3. No Man can possibly know all the rules.
4. The Woman is never wrong!.
5. If it appears the Woman is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Man did or said.
6. The Man must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
7. The Woman can change her mind at any time!.
8. The Man must never change his mind without the proper consent of the Woman.
9. The Man must read the mind of the Woman at all times.
10. At all times, what is important is what the Woman meant, not what She said....
Keep them rolling,
So funny.
Cheers
So funny.
Cheers
thanks to a cousin - I have a page link that is connected to my fb - and I get some of these on daily basis...and yes it is a uk site...lol
I also love that "shutup I'm talking site" - pity I don't know how to do image uploads
I also love that "shutup I'm talking site" - pity I don't know how to do image uploads
I went to a Chinese restaurant and ordered a meal. Ten minutes later this duck waddles up to me,gives me a single red rose and says, "Your lips are like rubies and your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I called the waiter over and said "Excuse me. I ordered aromatic duck
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Never let it be said that QANTAS ground crew lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints/problems, generally known as squawks, recently submitted by QANTAS Pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks, maintenance crews are required to log the details of the action taken to solve the pilots' squawks.
(P - The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S - The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P - Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S - Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P - No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S - No. 2 propeller seepage normal - Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
P - Something loose in cockpit.
S - Something tightened in cockpit.
P - Dead bugs on windshield.
S - Live bugs on backorder.
P - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S - Evidence removed.
P - DME volume unbelievably loud.
S - Volume set to more believable level.
P - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S - That's what they are there for!
P - IFF inoperative.
S - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P - Suspected crack in windscreen.
S - Suspect you're right.
P - Number 3 engine missing.
S - Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P - Aircraft handles funny.
S - Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, Fly Right, and Be Serious."
P - Target radar hums.
S - Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P - Mouse in cockpit.
S - Cat installed