More funny church jokes ( Archived) (6)

Closing sermon words

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead.
Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.
But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.
Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father.
Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!
Why did ya' not tell me the dog was Catholic?

Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will".


Just A Second!
So this guy is talking to God and ask, "Hey God what does 100 million years seem like to you?"

God answered, " One hundred million years ? That's like a second to me."

Then the man ask, "Hey God, what's 100 million dollars seem like to you?"

One hundred million dollars? It seems like a penny to me."

So the guy says, "Hey God could I borrow a penny?"

And God answers, "Sure. Just a second."

Thank you for asking Lilth, right now the smoke is cleared for several days
we could not see the mountains, very claustrofhobic.
We are not in any danger of wildfires ourselves so we can
not complain

So glad to hear you survived too.
It is really upsetting to find out that so many of the fires were set on
purpose or having some iijit toss his buds out the window.
Having lost it all and so many of the people did not have much to begin with
You take care too okay?