Advice for a 25 year old (44)

Aug 10, 2022 3:01 PM CST Advice for a 25 year old
I'm in a position where a young married woman in my life has found herself now separated from her husband of 5 months....with 2 boys by him.

I was at her wedding, a nice smart beautiful funny and laid back young woman with everything going for her, had suddenly found herself with a man who ( according to her bridemaids had just married a man who instantly changed as quick as enroute to their reception).

We had no inclination that anything was wrong...but in the last 5 months he suddenly and sneakily had been coercively controlling her.
Not giving her money, checking her phone, not "allowing" her out...not helping with the kids...having affairs...smashing up the house when he accused her of cheating ( she never did)...manipulated her....and these are just the beginning...she has left thr marital home and is living with her mother....he is still controlling her by constantly ringing...and we suspect stalking her every move...she seems to still be under his spell.

I'm at loss as are those close to her as to what to do...her character , being bubbly, happy care free is almost gone...yet she still entertains him.as just recently he has threatened suicide.

Any advice?
Aug 10, 2022 3:10 PM CST Advice for a 25 year old
Youcannow
YoucannowYoucannowLondon, Essex, England UK106 Threads 4,558 Posts
Stay out of other people’s business & let them sort it out for themselves.
Aug 10, 2022 3:11 PM CST Advice for a 25 year old
Youcannow: Stay out of other people’s business & let them sort it out for themselves.
.....Next sleep
Aug 10, 2022 3:23 PM CST Advice for a 25 year old
Wow, what a shame Dee. I feel for your friend. She is right to get away from him but with the kids involved, she has to deal with him.

If he is stalking her, she needs to get a court order to cease and desist. She might be well advised to talk to a lawyer, and they will have more suggestions. Protecting the kids is her first priority, but she also has to protect herself.
Aug 10, 2022 3:27 PM CST Advice for a 25 year old
ChesneyChristonline now!
ChesneyChristonline now!ChesneyChristManchester, Greater Manchester, England UK11,621 Posts
Deedee123x: I'm in a position where a young married woman in my life has found herself now separated from her husband of 5 months....with 2 boys by him.

I was at her wedding, a nice smart beautiful funny and laid back young woman with everything going for her, had suddenly found herself with a man who ( according to her bridemaids had just married a man who instantly changed as quick as enroute to their reception).

We had no inclination that anything was wrong...but in the last 5 months he suddenly and sneakily had been coercively controlling her.
Not giving her money, checking her phone, not "allowing" her out...not helping with the kids...having affairs...smashing up the house when he accused her of cheating ( she never did)...manipulated her....and these are just the beginning...she has left thr marital home and is living with her mother....he is still controlling her by constantly ringing...and we suspect stalking her every move...she seems to still be under his spell.

I'm at loss as are those close to her as to what to do...her character , being bubbly, happy care free is almost gone...yet she still entertains him.as just recently he has threatened suicide.

Any advice?
Open the window and tell him to jump. If anybody deserves to be committing suicide it's her, poor woman
Aug 10, 2022 3:49 PM CST Advice for a 25 year old
mbken: Wow, what a shame Dee. I feel for your friend. She is right to get away from him but with the kids involved, she has to deal with him.

If he is stalking her, she needs to get a court order to cease and desist. She might be well advised to talk to a lawyer, and they will have more suggestions. Protecting the kids is her first priority, but she also has to protect herself.
She is very slow to do anything that will seem severe and push him over the edge...she said she was afraid of him yet is slow to put the steps in motion ...we are baffled by her as it should be herself she looks after first then her kids...he shouldn't even be on the list....yet he calls to her unannounced a d can seem to tell her what's she's up to when he isn't around...it has all the mark of it going in a dark direction but she's still controlled and Brain washed...its difficult to look at
Aug 10, 2022 3:49 PM CST Advice for a 25 year old
ChesneyChrist: Open the window and tell him to jump. If anybody deserves to be committing suicide it's her, poor woman
Well no we don't want that for either...bit she's been through a lot with him and still manages to keep her cool and head about her.
Aug 10, 2022 4:07 PM CST Advice for a 25 year old
Yea. 1) take it to court now to find out about the childrens situation,
where they gonna be at.
Let the court know you all suspect him of being a pshycopath.
2) make her understand that this man is DANGEROUS for her mantal health.
3) if he threathen suiside tell her that she can safely ignore that!
As it is another trick to manifulate. Besides if he kills himself (never gonna happen)
that would be saving the world from more savagery from this bad azz mfs side.

Hardly ever heard of a worse man!

Sure her judgement was weak here,
but tell her to forgive herself from that miscalculation.

-

On a sidenote- The nearest case I know of from my own life
is a 57 year old friend of mine, mother of two.
She did not marry him but just as invasive/intrusive/serious: she sold her home
and bought a house with him. He turned out a controlling AZZ just as in your story
and when she relized the severness of ithe situation she moved out of the new house
after living there only TWO DAYS!
Took her 15year old daughter by the hand, packed a few bags and drove out of there.
I applaud her for that !
Aug 10, 2022 4:10 PM CST Advice for a 25 year old
By the way happened in 2019 when she was 54.
You don't have to be young to be fooled.
Aug 10, 2022 4:15 PM CST Advice for a 25 year old
Grandsiozzie: By the way happened in 2019 when she was 54.
You don't have to be young to be fooled.
All great advice...all that she has been given...one day she's telling us she's done with him and not going back and in fact is afraid of him.
Next day she is entertaining unannounced visits from him...he bursts into her mothers house unannounced etc....he isn't good with his kids...they are going to a couple counsellor where the counsellor has told him he is committing domestic abuse acts...and that he needs to leave his wife alone only unless its to pick up and drop off kids...and he ignored all that....they had their 3rd visit tonight so we will know more tomorrow on how that went.
Aug 10, 2022 4:15 PM CST Advice for a 25 year old
How is your friend now Grand?
Aug 10, 2022 4:33 PM CST Advice for a 25 year old
Well, you can always invite her to chat on the CS Forums... roll eyes wink tongue
Aug 10, 2022 4:35 PM CST Advice for a 25 year old
Deedee123x: How is your friend now Grand?
2.5years later she is still afraid he might knock on her door again.
I know he will not, so I'll try calm her on that.
No, she is still not healed properly and she also blame her self for bad judgement.
She can not believe she got fooled like that at his shine before,
to become so dark after the 'deal was sealed'. Still will take time for her, yea.
Aug 10, 2022 4:39 PM CST Advice for a 25 year old
KarloradoFL: Well, you can always invite her to chat on the CS Forums...
Not if her life depended on it is she coming on here...she's far too young and going through far too much. Xtongue
Aug 10, 2022 4:41 PM CST Advice for a 25 year old
Grandsiozzie: 2.5years later she is still afraid he might knock on her door again.
I know he will not, so I'll try calm her on that.
No, she is still not healed properly and she also blame her self for bad judgement.
She can not believe she got fooled like that at his shine before,
to become so dark after the 'deal was sealed'. Still will take time for her, yea.
It is subtly underhand manipulation...these men should be in jail.
At least your friend is out of the marital home and I hope she has good people around her like you to support her. Xx
Aug 10, 2022 5:03 PM CST Advice for a 25 year old
Deedee123x: It is subtly underhand manipulation...these men should be in jail.
At least your friend is out of the marital home and I hope she has good people around her like you to support her. Xx
Yea, 3years jailtime just for the damage done pscycologically would not be too much!
Out in 2 if well behaved. F-ing azzholes.
They know very well what they are doing, trust me on that Dee.
Life itself is a game to them. It's unbelieveable. They play people, that is their life.
And when confronted they resort to sayng things like
"oh everybody uses everybody, nothing new to that".
Gets my goat.

Good luck. Yes mine is out.
Try to help your girl out. The cheating itself is enough.
Aug 10, 2022 5:10 PM CST Advice for a 25 year old
secretagent09
secretagent09secretagent09NJ Transplant, North Carolina USA242 Threads 4 Polls 9,406 Posts
Youcannow: Stay out of other people’s business & let them sort it out for themselves.
There is no "sorting things out" when you have a controlling psycho on your hands.

Dollars to donuts, if Dee takes your advice Dee will find her dead.

The woman should get a Restraining Order immediately and she should take witnesses with her when she goes before the judge to prove that others have seen how dangerous he is.
Aug 10, 2022 9:56 PM CST Advice for a 25 year old
Deedee123x: I'm in a position where a young married woman in my life has found herself now separated from her husband of 5 months....with 2 boys by him.

I was at her wedding, a nice smart beautiful funny and laid back young woman with everything going for her, had suddenly found herself with a man who ( according to her bridemaids had just married a man who instantly changed as quick as enroute to their reception).

We had no inclination that anything was wrong...but in the last 5 months he suddenly and sneakily had been coercively controlling her.
Not giving her money, checking her phone, not "allowing" her out...not helping with the kids...having affairs...smashing up the house when he accused her of cheating ( she never did)...manipulated her....and these are just the beginning...she has left thr marital home and is living with her mother....he is still controlling her by constantly ringing...and we suspect stalking her every move...she seems to still be under his spell.

I'm at loss as are those close to her as to what to do...her character , being bubbly, happy care free is almost gone...yet she still entertains him.as just recently he has threatened suicide.

Any advice?
Round up some large male family members and have them take him to school and leave him with the impression that if he ever bothers her again, he will be missing his testicles.
Aug 11, 2022 2:34 AM CST Advice for a 25 year old
Hi DeeDee wave

I was saddened to read this today.

Your friend needs to seek legal advice and an injunction from the Courts as she is not dealing with this. There are small children involved who could be affected mentally and carry this through their lives .

Social services should also be involved with regards support for the family and visiting rights established for the children under supervision.

His coercive behaviour won't change and could get worse so for her and the children's safety she needs to deal with this a.s.a.p. Her concern should not be towards his threatening suicide, as it's probably a ploy to keep her in line , her priority should be her and the children's safety and their future moving forward.

Hope she get's through this.hug
Aug 11, 2022 4:34 AM CST Advice for a 25 year old
Mercedes_00online today!
Mercedes_00online today!Mercedes_00Greater Sydney, New South Wales Australia22 Threads 34,198 Posts
Dee this has been going on for way longer than five months..I know what I'm talking about.

A restraining order isn't guaranteed protection..Trust me on that front

It's hard for people like yourself to wrap your head around the why's & I get that

Do they have organisations for abused woman where she is able to join in & listen & maybe open up?

She's very lucky she opened up to loved ones sooner rather than later..My concern are for the boys who you don't want to grow up thinking how their dad treats their mum & themselves is normal..There are different reasons for different domestic cases as to why not just go & so on..The young girl has been married for five months..They have two children..She's been in this toxic relationship more than five months & right now when nobody is around he makes her promises..He says I'm sorry..He says it won't happen again..

I will leave it at that..I hope she stays vigilante for her & her boys well being..I'm glad the cat has been let out of the bag so all those who love her deeply will be there to support her.
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