any one got any got any jokes ( Archived) (17)

George Bush has a heart attack and dies.

Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. “I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay
here I'm going to have to let some-one else go.

I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving! in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so.
I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."


The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.

"No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." Commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said,
"Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"

No Nursing Home for Me

About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back-to-back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises". She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home".

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations on a Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast-in-bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go?

Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

ps: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side -- at no charge.

A supermarket manager is walking around his supermarket when he sees an old lady frantically searching through the frozen foods.

"Can I help you madam?" he asks
"Yes", she says, "I'm looking for some broccoli"
"I'm terribly sorry madam but we've run out of broccoli"
"Oh, never mind" she says

The manager goes off and comes back 15 mins later to find the lady still searching.

"Can I help you madam?"
"Yes, I'm looking for some broccoli"
"We don't have any broccoli madam, we're completely sold out"
"Oh, alright" she says.

The manager goes off, comes back 15 mins later to find the woman still there, only now she has frozen foods stacked up on top of the freezer and is rummaging around right at the bottom.

"Can I help you madam?"
"Yes, I'm looking for some broccoli"
"Madam, can you spell cat? As in catastrophic"
"Yes, C A T"
"Now can you spell dog? As in dogmatic"
"Yes, D O G"
"Now can you spell f%$k? As in broccoli.
She said "There is no f%^k in broccoli"

"And that's what I've been trying to tell ya"!!!!

In 1981

1. Prince Charles marries
2. Liverpool are crowned soccer champions of Europe
3. Australia lost The Ashes
4. Pope died

In 2005

1. Prince Charles marries
2. Liverpool are crowned soccer champions of Europe
3. Australia lost The Ashes
4. Pope died

In the future. If Prince Charles decides to re-marry....

Somebody please warn The Pope!

WHERE BABIES COME FROM

A little girl comes home from school one day and tells her Mommie, "I know where babies come from."

Curious to learn what her daughter has discovered, the Mommie asks the little girl to tell her what she knows.

"Well, first...the Mommie and the Daddy take off all of there clothes." The little girl says with lots of drama. "Then, the Daddy's thingy stands up and the Mommie puts her mouth on it." The little girl looks @ her Mommie with big, wide eyes anxious to see how Mommie was going to react. When Mommie just nodded, the little girl said, "And then.......there is a big explosion!" "And, that's where babies come from."

Barely able to contain her laughter, the Mommie takes the little girl in her arms and says, "No, darling. That is not where babies come from. That is where Jewelry comes from."

Subject: The bear and the atheist


An atheist was walking through the woods.
"What majestic trees"!
"What powerful rivers"!
"What beautiful animals"! He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly
charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He
looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He
tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up
but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him
with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't
exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect
me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a
Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And
the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head &
spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from
thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

The Old Preacher



> An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his
>
> lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived,
> they were
> ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held
> out his
> hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The
> preacher grasped
> their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For
> a time,
> no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and the attorney were touched
> and
> flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during
> his final
> moment. They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any
>
> indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
>
> Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to
> come?"
>
> The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus
> died
> between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
>
>