How do you stand by your child/children if a parent is standing in your way (11)

How do you stand by your child/children if a parent is standing in your way (Making it difficult for access), some parents use thier kids as weapons and know how to use them to a great degree, however, is it not the child that suffers at the end of it all seeing parents argue and fight. I suppose you could go down the road of courts and solicitors but shouldnt parents be able to come together for thier kids even if thier not together?
After all mum and dad may not love each other, but that doesnt mean you dont stop loving your child/children.


do you not all agree?

I went through all this and it caused no end of grief.
My ex told me after we had split that If I were to settle with another woman then I obviously don't love my son who at the time was four. I did settle with someone else but it became nigh on impossible to see my son without explaining my every move and without her continuously throwing Irons in the fire, including trying her best to interfere with my personal life in the hope that it would break up my new relationship. After an almighty row one day I walked from my son's life and decided to hold back in the hope that he would eventually come after me.
In 2003 I was diagnosed with Cancer. I told my ex but asked her to keep away while I was under hospital care as my partner was looking after me with the minimum of fuss and I didn't want her rowing with my ex when I had to go through my courses of treatment.
Moving on......I spent the best part of a year in and out of hospital and it took me a further two years to get over it all. I'm still not in full remission now even.
Every Christmas and every birthday for four years I took a whole load of presents round to my son's grandad's house where he often spent time and I would leave the stuff on the doorstep and ring the bell to make sure someone took it in and hoping to get a glimpse of my lad before driving off. I thought about him all the time and in the back of my mind there was always a game plan to meet him from school one day when he was older....either that or he would ask a whole load of stuff about me first.....which in fact, turned out to be the case.
My partner and me broke up earlier this year...April 2007. The Cancer had a profound effect on our relationship and the spark that was once there never came back after what I had been through. In the same month while going through a bout of depression over it all, I drank to excess and smashed up my car which resulted in me losing my job and my license.
So.....back to good old mum's who was never at home any way. She virtually lived in The midlands so I had an empty house to wallow in my thoughts. One day....a few weeks after having settled in, my ex just showed up with my son out of the blue.....he had been asking after me and my ex felt that she couldn't hold back any longer on this one.
Fast forward seven months and we see each other regular and go to watch our local football team play and eat pizzas afterwards etc etc.....all the Dad / son things. There are still issues but my ex is a good mum. She can't seem to help herself though when it comes to prying in to what I do and is hankering for a reconciliation which I definately do not want, so this in itself causes tension but I think things are moving in the right direction and she is slowly losing that element of complete control that was so easy for her when my son was younger. It would be very difficult to play him against me now. We have built up quite a bond this year.
He will soon be Ten years old and although I miss having someone in my life as a partner, my son fills this void for me when I speak to him on the phone or when we spend time together. Who knows what the future will bring. I can only hope that what we have now goes from strength to strength and I will be Cancer free for the rest of my life. I'm back working and have found some direction in life. I'm even going to India soon for the trip of a lifetime to fulfil a travelling/work dream for a few months. I will miss my son but two months will soon fly and ive promised to bring him back everything I can.
I'm sure my experience here is similar to what a lot of Dad's have been through....not the illness, but the anguish that seperation can bring and the effect it has on children.
Whatever you are all going through you dads.....I hope you all get what you want from your relationships with your kids.

Steve

i whent through this m8 it bloody hard i know but you have to hang in there for the sake of the children i wish you luck m8

tell them to move or be moved

Sorry to hear about your plight Steve. You have been through the mill and back again. I do wish you every happiness with your son and hope that you get to full remission soon. Oh and Happy Holiday lol.

I come from a totally different perspective on this thread. I am a mom whose very own mother tries to put a spanner in the works when I try to speak, visit or have access to my son. He was fifteen years old two days ago. He lives with my parents 330 miles away.

I lost everything almost 7 yrs ago after my marriage broke up, my ex husband made us homeless and my health deteriorated to such an extent that I could not offer my only son a stable, secure and safe home. ( My sons father went on to have another baby but refused to get into the picture when his own child needed him most)
I spent the first six months of my illness in hospital, during this time I had to get a solicitor to force my mother into letting me see my boy.
During my ill health my mother has never supported me even though my life has been at risk many times.
I have always, always been grateful to my parents for looking after my son, for if it hadn't been for them he would have most definitely have ended up in care.
My father barely speaks with me (my mother in the background puts paid to that) and I have chosen very lately not to talk with my mother.
The coldness from my parents is the worst.
As a parent I vowed to raise my son with lots of love, good manners and respect nothing that i ever had!
He is the only one in my extensive family not to blame me for getting ill, for leaving him and for running away from a lifetime of trauma.
My mother (I can no longer call her mom) never ever protected me from harm and refuses to do it even now.
With my son she tries to replace me but in my sons affections I am still his mommy and that will never change for as long as I live.
For the love of my child and his love of me I carry on as best as I can with life knowing that I did everything I could to protect him from my illness and the self destructive pattern it still causes.
I tell him that no matter where we are, we are under the same Moon and Stars and that I always watch over him from afar. It is all I can do...............
For Fathers, Mothers out there. Remember the child, it is the child that suffers inside.. No matter how old they are or become.

You sound like you have been through the mill yourself! I sincerely hope that things have vastly improved for you in your life and that you can forge a bond with your son that you mother seems to have tried so hard to put a stop to. Fortunately, my mum has been a tower of strength through the really difficult times.

Of all the people that come on to this site, i'm sure many have had troubled pasts in varying degrees....it comes with age. But I think i'll put us two in the "unlucky heap" from which the only way is up.
Here's wishing you a very Happy Christmas and a prosperous and trouble free New Year.
That goes for everybody

Steve x

Thanks sweetee... same to you and yours xxxxxxx

I feel for anyone not able to see their children. I realise that there's 2 sides to every story, so here's mine.

My ex decided that our children would be better off living in Spain, with her & her husband. Due to work commitments I am unable to see them as much as we would like. They have been back for a few days, 3 or 4 times a year, & I have been able to visit them last Summer. I am also going to Spain in May to see them. They are still quite young & are finding Spanish life very hard to adjust to. Their schooling must be suffering. I feel like a failure as a father. I try to speak to them on the phone & chat to them on MSN, but it's never enough. I understand that in most cases children belong with their mother, but I find myself crying over them never-the-less. I think that it could have been worse, she was thinking of emigrating to New Zealand at one time.

So to all you parents in similar situations I say tell your children that you love them & will always be there for them.

Thank you.

How can any who claims they love their children then use them as weapons.Children are not property they are people and have rights. To see the rest of their family be it. mother, father aunt, uncle or grandparents. So much damage is done its makes me so