Scooterman jokes. (6)

In the back woods of Scotland, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the
middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the
delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern
and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the
lantern down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern,
lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do
ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again.

The Scottish bus driver was giving a tour of Scotland to a group of tourists. The tour went through the countryside and the driver would point out sights of interest.

He drove by this one area and said, "Over there is where the Scottish PULVERIZED the English."

They drove on a little further and the driver pointed to another area along the roadway and said, "This is the place where the Scottish MASSACRED the English."

Not much further down the road the driver told his passengers that on the right was the great battlefield where the Scottish WHIPPED the English.

About that time a man on the bus, with a stiff English accent, said, "My good man, didn't the English win any battles around here?"


"Not when I'm driving the bus" was the response.

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus.

"He can play any musical instrument in the world."

Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A customer walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.

Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix.

The guitar owner pays up the $50.

Another customer walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis.

The trumpet-owner coughs up the $50.

Then a Scotsman plonks some bagpipes on the table. The octopus fumbles with the bagpipes for a minute and then backs off with a confused look.

"Ha!" the Scotsman says. "Can ye nae play it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."