It's friday night ( Archived) (10)

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

So first he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need"), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jack off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy: "You idiot, I was trying to say, I need a hand saw". The other guy replied: "I know, I was trying to tell you that "I am coming...".

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

=================================================
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."

The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."

"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.

He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!', but fortunately Dad was on top of her holding her down.


==================================================
While a Scot is pissing, a dollar falls into the toilet. Desperately, he looks at the dollar and asks himself whether a dollar is worth getting his hands dirty. After a while of thinking, he takes 10 dollars out of his pocket and throws them into the toilet.

"Well, it's worth getting your hands dirty for eleven dollars!"

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her new daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to come home.

Finally, her husband arrived home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

ARE YOU THE WEAKEST LINK?

Below are 4 questions. Answer them instantly. You can't take your time. Answer them immediately. No pencil or paper! OK? Let's find out just how smart and clever you really are. Ready? ... GO!!!

FIRST QUESTION: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

ANSWER: If you answer that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up in the next question.

To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question. (You know you took too much time.)

SECOND QUESTION: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

ANSWER: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!

LAST QUESTION: Mary's father has five daughters: mumu, meme, mimi, momo. What is the name of the fifth daughter, if it begins with "ma"?

ANSWER: Mama? Of course not. The fifth daughter's name is Mary. Read the question again.

Hahaha...busted!
Why do you have to notice everything?

Not yet, , still waiting for the visa....planning for the end of June though