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Standing up for yourself ( Archived) (53)

Aug 30, 2008 10:42 PM CST Standing up for yourself
Indyfella
IndyfellaIndyfellaindianapolis, Indiana USA230 Threads 9 Polls 27,698 Posts
mindfful: yes but in our 20's maybe not??


Agreed........ thumbs up
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Aug 30, 2008 10:42 PM CST Standing up for yourself
pyaremohan
pyaremohanpyaremohandelhi, Delhi India22 Threads 1,549 Posts
mindfful: yes but in our 20's maybe not??



noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo tongue
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Aug 30, 2008 10:43 PM CST Standing up for yourself
mbcasey
mbcaseymbcaseyNorth Myrtle Beach, South Carolina USA78 Threads 7 Polls 21,350 Posts
<---deserves exactly what he has....uh oh
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Aug 30, 2008 10:44 PM CST Standing up for yourself
pyaremohan
pyaremohanpyaremohandelhi, Delhi India22 Threads 1,549 Posts
am off now bye bye ppl wave wave wave
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Aug 30, 2008 10:54 PM CST Standing up for yourself
mindfful
mindffulmindffulChicago, Illinois USA307 Threads 9 Polls 25,009 Posts
im gonna try to sleep


wave
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Aug 30, 2008 10:54 PM CST Standing up for yourself
mindfful
mindffulmindffulChicago, Illinois USA307 Threads 9 Polls 25,009 Posts
so does that make me then


lying down for myself?


confused




grin
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Aug 30, 2008 11:22 PM CST Standing up for yourself
Jose13
Jose13Jose13Azángaro, Puno Peru38 Threads 787 Posts
NorseMedic: I’ve been away for a while, but now I’m back and ready to rock you!

My question for you today is simply this: Do you demand what you deserve?

When was the last time you stood up for you and told a partner “I deserve this! You must give it to me or we’ll have to part our ways”.I realized how I have felt like saying that a couple of times, but never did. And I think to myself why is that. Why do I make do with something ordinary when I deserve something extraordinary?

I tried it today. For a long time a mentor of mine has neglected his duties towards me. Promises where made that weren’t kept and I just crawled by the panels and hoped he would come around.
But after thinking about what I truly deserve I drove by his home and stood there right on his doorstep on his private property and told him that he could do better and he better do it, because I didn’t deserve the way he has been treating me and I won’t ignore it any longer. If he couldn’t give me what I asked for our ways had to part.
And he just stood there and listened and when I was done he nodded and said “Yes Valerie, you do deserve better and I can do better. I will have what you requested by Monday.”

I can’t begin to describe how good it felt. Not just that the things will get done, which is great. But the feeling of standing up for myself, drawing a line – for me! …it was really satisfying. It gave me a sense of self-esteem because I decided to respect myself enough to take action.Sooner or later I will find someone and enter a relationship. When I do I will definitely not wait that long to show what I’m about and what I’m worth. It’s not that people shouldn’t know themselves, but sometimes they don’t realize that they are hurting. Sometimes they don’t realize the seriousness.

I, for one, will be more demanding in the future. I know what I want and I shouldn’t be afraid to voice it.

Are you good at standing up for yourself and voicing what you want?


uhmmmm.... interesting points. I think it is within our rights to standing up for oneself and voicing what one wants...

However, especially in relationships, who is the judge that can tell us what is the stuff we really deserve? I think many abusive situations as well (especially from men toward women) come from this point of view: "It is my right"
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Aug 31, 2008 4:04 PM CST Standing up for yourself
NorseMedic
NorseMedicNorseMedicCollege Station, Texas USA15 Threads 2 Polls 285 Posts
shipoker58: I’ve been away for a while, but now I’m back and ready to rock you!

My question for you today is simply this: Do you demand what you deserve?

When was the last time you stood up for you and told a partner “I deserve this! You must give it to me or we’ll have to part our ways
quote]This is exactly why I have quit looking for women in this room. Exactly!! Most of you have such a high opinion of yourselves and such inflated egos, that it makes the average man feel they are never worthy of you. Inadequate is maybe a better word.

The better question might be: Do you demand what you THINK you deserve?

If some of you demanded what you deserve...you would be alone the rest of your life. I have no time or inclination for vanity and inflated egos


So when I demand honesty and faithfulness, and that people keep the promises they make... I'm having an inflated ego?

Perhaps it's YOU who shouldn't be so aggressive and indstead of attacking me and/or other women should ask us: "So what IS it then, that you demand?" and let our answers be your guideline. Not just your prejudice.
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Aug 31, 2008 4:14 PM CST Standing up for yourself
NorseMedic:
My question for you today is simply this: Do you demand what you deserve?

Are you good at standing up for yourself and voicing what you want?


Yes, there is nothing wrong with putting your foot down and making a stand. This type of thing should be communicated openly, and it's imperative to hear the other person's version of whatever is going on that is making you feel a sense of injustice.
This is a complicated subject depending on the dynamics of it. So it's hard to narrow down a specific response to a certain situation.
In my experience, putting my foot down in a diplomatic way and being honest in your speech yielded good results. If there is an understanding, then it's a good thing with time being the final judge. If there is no understanding,then there is some work to do on understanding. If there is no work left to do to rectify things, then bye-bye....
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Aug 31, 2008 4:18 PM CST Standing up for yourself
NorseMedic
NorseMedicNorseMedicCollege Station, Texas USA15 Threads 2 Polls 285 Posts
Sommerauer71: Hi Nordic

I deserve this! You must give it to me or we’ll have to part our ways”.

No, because, that is a veiled threat.

No negotiation, no consideration.

Not how I operate in a relationship.

All very well knowing what we are worth and what we deserve, but that is a combative and stubborn attitude.

How would you feel, if your partner said that to you?

Where would you go?

Standing up for oneself is one thing, but in a relationship, you should not have to 'stand up' for yourself, you should be able to express yourself, as your partner should.

Good to see you.

Am I good at voicing what I want? Yes, but I do it without a threat.

I talk it through.

If my partner does not, then he is not the man for me.



I'm not sure I would put it quite the way I described it in my primary post.


But you see, I was bottled up with the term "compromise at all costs" and to be honest I'm sick of it. I'm sick of having to compromise with a flirting spouse if his behaviour is turning me off. I'm sick of having to compromise with a mentor who doesn't do the job he’s paid for. I'm sick of having to compromise my way out of certain issues when I feel like I shouldn't have to, because that I’m asking for is not out of line in any way.


I myself have given in too easily in the past. At times I have compromised when I should have drawn a line in the sand and said "This far and no further!" I have feelings and needs, and some of those I just can't compromise with. And I'm through feeling like I have to in order to be “nice” or “sensible”.



It's not that I want to threat anyone into doing what I want them to, even though I can perfectly see why it may seem like that - I think I didn't articulate my meaning well enough and I apologise for that.

What I mean is that I'm no longer afraid of the consequences, if the things I can't do without is not given to me. I’m not talking about crazy things, just ordinary things like love, respect, faithfulness, loyalty and so forth. And sometimes you have to tell your partner what the ultimate consequence may be, so he fully understands the seriousness of the situation. If something is so important to me that I'm prepared to leave my spouse because of it, I think he deserves to know that's where I stand. It doesn't mean we won't talk about it in a mature way and reach a mutual understanding, it just means that I want to be totally honest with how I feel and how much it means to me.
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Aug 31, 2008 4:25 PM CST Standing up for yourself
Sommerauer71
Sommerauer71Sommerauer71Salzburg, Austria164 Threads 4 Polls 19,249 Posts
NorseMedic: I'm not sure I would put it quite the way I described it in my primary post.But you see, I was bottled up with the term "compromise at all costs" and to be honest I'm sick of it. I'm sick of having to compromise with a flirting spouse if his behaviour is turning me off. I'm sick of having to compromise with a mentor who doesn't do the job he’s paid for. I'm sick of having to compromise my way out of certain issues when I feel like I shouldn't have to, because that I’m asking for is not out of line in any way.I myself have given in too easily in the past. At times I have compromised when I should have drawn a line in the sand and said "This far and no further!" I have feelings and needs, and some of those I just can't compromise with. And I'm through feeling like I have to in order to be “nice” or “sensible”.
It's not that I want to threat anyone into doing what I want them to, even though I can perfectly see why it may seem like that - I think I didn't articulate my meaning well enough and I apologise for that.

What I mean is that I'm no longer afraid of the consequences, if the things I can't do without is not given to me. I’m not talking about crazy things, just ordinary things like love, respect, faithfulness, loyalty and so forth. And sometimes you have to tell your partner what the ultimate consequence may be, so he fully understands the seriousness of the situation. If something is so important to me that I'm prepared to leave my spouse because of it, I think he deserves to know that's where I stand. It doesn't mean we won't talk about it in a mature way and reach a mutual understanding, it just means that I want to be totally honest with how I feel and how much it means to me.


Hi Nordic

Your final paragraph is wonderful and articualted beautifully, all of that I agree with entirely.

I see what you were saying in your initial post too, but English is your second language, you articualte very well in English, much better than I do in Danish.

And you know, compromising at all costs is not good and any partner should not expect that from a person they love, a person should not feel they have to compromise themselves as a person at all with a person, their partner.

And it is ok, to say 'this far and no further' of course it is.
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Aug 31, 2008 4:28 PM CST Standing up for yourself
jampet
jampetjampetwexford, Wexford Ireland40 Threads 1 Polls 3,914 Posts
in my job- i know I am a 'soft touch' because it is the medical field, and if i stand up and say' no, that's too much, i can't cope' my patients suffer. I know i am my own worst enemy, because if i said 'No' then they would have to find someone else to share the load, but in the meantime, people would suffer, and i just couldn't handle thatsigh

In general, though, i have become much more able to stand my ground, and realise, that with pleasantness, i can say' no, i 'm a fraid i can't do that', or 'actually, i need x/y/z to happen before i can agree to that'. If you have a reasonable explanation about why something is not possible, plausible or workable for you, then you don't have to explain further,....... 'those are my reasons, work around them or i can't help you'
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Aug 31, 2008 4:42 PM CST Standing up for yourself
BarrenPneuma
BarrenPneumaBarrenPneumaGolden Staircase, Ontario Canada121 Threads 4 Polls 2,496 Posts
Sometimes familiarity breeds contempt, often it just creates laziness and ignorance. At times like that there is nothing wrong with sitting down and re-evaluating the original basis for the relationship, with both parties present of course.
When someone initiates contact with specific promises, then they are responsible for maintaining those through the duration or until they evolve into higher ideals.
In our chaotic world it is easy to understand that other demands might impede our ability to provide our intentions at all times so a slip here and there is to be taken for granted, but a complete swing of polarity is by no means healthy. Complete reversals are indicative of bait, or loss of interest.
At this point a general sit-down is necessary to determine the motive of the behaviour, and the foundation for the lack of proper conduct.
If you have remained true to yourself and the other person, and are not having this reciprocated, then it is time to determine the worth of what you both are receiving from the connection. Thieves, do not steal just the material, and usually what is lost that is not tangible is much harder to restore.
The crafty thief is often smart enough to know how to get deep into your life long before they begin plying their trade, and like an addict will drain you of everything of value before they leave, unless you stand up for yourself.
Psychic vampires, self-idolaters, and the like merely seek to fill some empty portion of their own inner self, being incapable of producing the requirements on their own they siphon off what they perceive is missing and once the host has no 'blood' left, move on to greener pastures.
Parasites should be taken seriously as they do more harm than good no matter the face they wear.
A few kind words can go a long way, but if they are merely intended to placate, then the kindness behind them is fraudulent and merely a ploy.
Give respect, honesty, trust, compassion and all other things you wish to receive in return, and if you are finding the tanks empty from no return then cash out your chips and move on to greener pastures.
Six billion people... no need to suffer needlessly in the 'care' of someone without the slightest modicum of what it is to be a real person.
Of course running at the first hint takes away your own self-esteem and leads to a rather desolate life.
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