Standing up for yourself (44)
Sommerauer71: Hi Nordic
I deserve this! You must give it to me or we’ll have to part our ways”.
No, because, that is a veiled threat.
No negotiation, no consideration.
Not how I operate in a relationship.
All very well knowing what we are worth and what we deserve, but that is a combative and stubborn attitude.
How would you feel, if your partner said that to you?
Where would you go?
Standing up for oneself is one thing, but in a relationship, you should not have to 'stand up' for yourself, you should be able to express yourself, as your partner should.
Good to see you.
Am I good at voicing what I want? Yes, but I do it without a threat.
I talk it through.
If my partner does not, then he is not the man for me.
I deserve this! You must give it to me or we’ll have to part our ways”.
No, because, that is a veiled threat.
No negotiation, no consideration.
Not how I operate in a relationship.
All very well knowing what we are worth and what we deserve, but that is a combative and stubborn attitude.
How would you feel, if your partner said that to you?
Where would you go?
Standing up for oneself is one thing, but in a relationship, you should not have to 'stand up' for yourself, you should be able to express yourself, as your partner should.
Good to see you.
Am I good at voicing what I want? Yes, but I do it without a threat.
I talk it through.
If my partner does not, then he is not the man for me.
I'm not sure I would put it quite the way I described it in my primary post.
But you see, I was bottled up with the term "compromise at all costs" and to be honest I'm sick of it. I'm sick of having to compromise with a flirting spouse if his behaviour is turning me off. I'm sick of having to compromise with a mentor who doesn't do the job he’s paid for. I'm sick of having to compromise my way out of certain issues when I feel like I shouldn't have to, because that I’m asking for is not out of line in any way.
I myself have given in too easily in the past. At times I have compromised when I should have drawn a line in the sand and said "This far and no further!" I have feelings and needs, and some of those I just can't compromise with. And I'm through feeling like I have to in order to be “nice” or “sensible”.
It's not that I want to threat anyone into doing what I want them to, even though I can perfectly see why it may seem like that - I think I didn't articulate my meaning well enough and I apologise for that.
What I mean is that I'm no longer afraid of the consequences, if the things I can't do without is not given to me. I’m not talking about crazy things, just ordinary things like love, respect, faithfulness, loyalty and so forth. And sometimes you have to tell your partner what the ultimate consequence may be, so he fully understands the seriousness of the situation. If something is so important to me that I'm prepared to leave my spouse because of it, I think he deserves to know that's where I stand. It doesn't mean we won't talk about it in a mature way and reach a mutual understanding, it just means that I want to be totally honest with how I feel and how much it means to me.
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NorseMedic: I'm not sure I would put it quite the way I described it in my primary post.But you see, I was bottled up with the term "compromise at all costs" and to be honest I'm sick of it. I'm sick of having to compromise with a flirting spouse if his behaviour is turning me off. I'm sick of having to compromise with a mentor who doesn't do the job he’s paid for. I'm sick of having to compromise my way out of certain issues when I feel like I shouldn't have to, because that I’m asking for is not out of line in any way.I myself have given in too easily in the past. At times I have compromised when I should have drawn a line in the sand and said "This far and no further!" I have feelings and needs, and some of those I just can't compromise with. And I'm through feeling like I have to in order to be “nice” or “sensible”.
It's not that I want to threat anyone into doing what I want them to, even though I can perfectly see why it may seem like that - I think I didn't articulate my meaning well enough and I apologise for that.
What I mean is that I'm no longer afraid of the consequences, if the things I can't do without is not given to me. I’m not talking about crazy things, just ordinary things like love, respect, faithfulness, loyalty and so forth. And sometimes you have to tell your partner what the ultimate consequence may be, so he fully understands the seriousness of the situation. If something is so important to me that I'm prepared to leave my spouse because of it, I think he deserves to know that's where I stand. It doesn't mean we won't talk about it in a mature way and reach a mutual understanding, it just means that I want to be totally honest with how I feel and how much it means to me.
It's not that I want to threat anyone into doing what I want them to, even though I can perfectly see why it may seem like that - I think I didn't articulate my meaning well enough and I apologise for that.
What I mean is that I'm no longer afraid of the consequences, if the things I can't do without is not given to me. I’m not talking about crazy things, just ordinary things like love, respect, faithfulness, loyalty and so forth. And sometimes you have to tell your partner what the ultimate consequence may be, so he fully understands the seriousness of the situation. If something is so important to me that I'm prepared to leave my spouse because of it, I think he deserves to know that's where I stand. It doesn't mean we won't talk about it in a mature way and reach a mutual understanding, it just means that I want to be totally honest with how I feel and how much it means to me.
Hi Nordic
Your final paragraph is wonderful and articualted beautifully, all of that I agree with entirely.
I see what you were saying in your initial post too, but English is your second language, you articualte very well in English, much better than I do in Danish.
And you know, compromising at all costs is not good and any partner should not expect that from a person they love, a person should not feel they have to compromise themselves as a person at all with a person, their partner.
And it is ok, to say 'this far and no further' of course it is.
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in my job- i know I am a 'soft touch' because it is the medical field, and if i stand up and say' no, that's too much, i can't cope' my patients suffer. I know i am my own worst enemy, because if i said 'No' then they would have to find someone else to share the load, but in the meantime, people would suffer, and i just couldn't handle that
In general, though, i have become much more able to stand my ground, and realise, that with pleasantness, i can say' no, i 'm a fraid i can't do that', or 'actually, i need x/y/z to happen before i can agree to that'. If you have a reasonable explanation about why something is not possible, plausible or workable for you, then you don't have to explain further,....... 'those are my reasons, work around them or i can't help you'
In general, though, i have become much more able to stand my ground, and realise, that with pleasantness, i can say' no, i 'm a fraid i can't do that', or 'actually, i need x/y/z to happen before i can agree to that'. If you have a reasonable explanation about why something is not possible, plausible or workable for you, then you don't have to explain further,....... 'those are my reasons, work around them or i can't help you'
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My question for you today is simply this: Do you demand what you deserve?
Are you good at standing up for yourself and voicing what you want?
Yes, there is nothing wrong with putting your foot down and making a stand. This type of thing should be communicated openly, and it's imperative to hear the other person's version of whatever is going on that is making you feel a sense of injustice.
This is a complicated subject depending on the dynamics of it. So it's hard to narrow down a specific response to a certain situation.
In my experience, putting my foot down in a diplomatic way and being honest in your speech yielded good results. If there is an understanding, then it's a good thing with time being the final judge. If there is no understanding,then there is some work to do on understanding. If there is no work left to do to rectify things, then bye-bye....