dillydallyBehind the hills and Burns ..., Strathclyde, Scotland UK57 Threads2,697 Posts
dillydallyOPBehind the hills and Burns ..., Strathclyde, Scotland UK2,697 posts
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack. -- Demetri Martin
So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights". -- Tommy Cooper
My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals. -- Bob Monkhouse
In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought...I must put a roof on this lavatory. -- Les Dawson
I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow. -- Billy Connolly
A man commented to his lunch companion: "My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire." "You're lucky," sighed the companion. "My wife dreams that in the daytime." -- Sam Ewing
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that! -- Milton Jones
I know why Superman left Krypton. Earth was the only place he could get steroids! -- Milton Berle
A guy at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China. He's out there now...trying to win a trip back! -- Jerry Dennis
I thought coq au vin was love in a lorry. -- Victoria Wood
I was born in Alabama. I was raised in Georgia. I'm so Southern I'm related to myself. I have a 12-year-old daughter. She takes after my daddy. She ought to. She's his. -- Brett Butler
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. -- Emo Philips
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. -- Carl Zwanzig
When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead. -- Jeff Shaw
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-- Demetri Martin
So a man jumps into a taxi and says "King Arthur's close" and the taxi driver says, "don't worry we'll lose him at the next lights".
-- Tommy Cooper
My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
-- Bob Monkhouse
In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang forever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought...I must put a roof on this lavatory.
-- Les Dawson
I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
-- Billy Connolly
A man commented to his lunch companion: "My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire." "You're lucky," sighed the companion. "My wife dreams that in the daytime."
-- Sam Ewing
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
-- Milton Jones
I know why Superman left Krypton. Earth was the only place he could get steroids!
-- Milton Berle
A guy at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China. He's out there now...trying to win a trip back!
-- Jerry Dennis
I thought coq au vin was love in a lorry.
-- Victoria Wood
I was born in Alabama. I was raised in Georgia. I'm so Southern I'm related to myself. I have a 12-year-old daughter. She takes after my daddy. She ought to. She's his.
-- Brett Butler
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
-- Emo Philips
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
-- Carl Zwanzig
When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.
-- Jeff Shaw